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00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:56,649
NARRATOR: <i>Ron Burgundy,</i>
<i>for years he was</i>

2
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,272
<i>the prophet San Diego turned to
for its news.</i>

3
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,315
<i>But then, like a shimmering
comet, he disappeared.</i>

4
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,153
<i>So where does the next chapter</i>

5
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,280
<i>of the legend
of Ron Burgundy begin?</i>

6
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:10,203
<i>It begins in a place where
all great men go</i>

7
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,539
<i>for the second act
of their life,</i>

8
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,787
<i>New York City!</i>

9
00:01:14,866 --> 00:01:16,994
(GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING)

10
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:33,644
Ron Burgundy!

11
00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:35,853
Your lady's got an ass that
looks like a diamond

12
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,931
wrapped in
hundred dollar bills.

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00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:39,934
You know there's two things
daddy likes

14
00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:42,236
is diamonds and
hundred dollar bills, baby.

15
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,404
And white women.

16
00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,698
Ron, aren't you going to
say something to him?

17
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,568
Hey, when you've got an ass
like a piece of Bubblicious,

18
00:01:49,693 --> 00:01:51,866
people are going to want to
stop and chew on it.

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NARRATOR: <i>It was a time</i>
<i>before cell phones</i>

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00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:58,536
<i>and when Google and Twitter were
sounds made by monkeys and babies.</i>

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00:01:59,161 --> 00:02:00,538
RON: Chop suey.

22
00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:02,126
"Chop suey, " says Choppy.

23
00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,878
Chop suey. Hmm?

24
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:05,626
Mickey Mouse
shrieked in pain

25
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,719
as the bear trap
severed his right leg.

26
00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,218
Oh! Chuck-wella.

27
00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:13,221
Wendy wore her wedding dress
to the orgy.

28
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,974
Wendy wore her wedding dress
to the orgy. Orgy.

29
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,180
(VERONICA WHOOPING)

30
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:22,021
- Corningstone. Corningstone.
- (DOING VOCAL EXERCISES)

31
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,736
(IN SHRILL VOICE)
Oh, my God! Oh, no!

32
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,736
- (HUMMING)
- He's getting close!

33
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:28,940
<i>(WBC NEWS</i> THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

34
00:02:29,024 --> 00:02:31,026
(SCREAMING) Oh, no!

35
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Oh! He died too young! Oh!

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Five, four...

37
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- Have a great broadcast.
- You, too, darling.

38
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,832
(MOUTHING)

39
00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:42,417
Good evening.

40
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,375
This is the weekend edition
of <i>WBC News at 6:30.</i>

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00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,004
I'm Ron Burgundy.

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00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:48,552
And I'm Veronica Corningstone.

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00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,087
Our top story tonight.

44
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,714
The U.N. today announced
sanctions against...

45
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,424
When the broadcast is over,

46
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:55,926
send these two
up to my office.

47
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,261
Time to make a change.

48
00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:00,226
(DINGING)

49
00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:06,900
Rumor has it that after
35 years of manning the helm,

50
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:09,903
Mack Tannen is thinking
about stepping down.

51
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,196
- That's right.
- (EXHALES)

52
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:14,824
Do you...
Do you think we could be...

53
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,947
We could be getting
the <i>Nightly News,</i> Ron?

54
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:19,999
I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.

55
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,790
Oh, my God. That's
what's happening, isn't it?

56
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,003
- Do you know what this means?
- Yes, I do.

57
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:25,418
Our lives will be
changed forever.

58
00:03:25,497 --> 00:03:26,840
Forever.

59
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,296
We can finally buy
that speed boat.

60
00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:30,090
- We could.
- We could have twenty kids.

61
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:33,426
Oh. Or two.
We could have two children.

62
00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:35,302
You can constantly be pregnant.

63
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:36,641
With a surrogate.

64
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,139
What's a surrogate?

65
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:43,307
Oh, my sweet,
mouth-breathing goon.

66
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,851
My lightly sautéed veal cutlet.

67
00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:48,441
Oh, my giant asshole.

68
00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:52,316
VERONICA: Mr. Tannen,
you are an inspiration, sir.

69
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:57,321
I've been doing the evening
news now for over 35 years.

70
00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,372
- Done a hell of a job.
- Yes, sir.

71
00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:00,536
A hell of a job!

72
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:06,168
I've covered assassinations,
wars, famines, plagues.

73
00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:07,631
Never good.

74
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,800
I have a nasty pill addiction.

75
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:12,923
You should try switching
to alcohol.

76
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,505
- It's really great.
- Mmm.

77
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,383
The point is,

78
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:19,889
this is a very demanding job.

79
00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:21,052
Yes.

80
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:23,643
But I'm close to thinking that

81
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:26,315
you may have what it takes.

82
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,565
Now, let me look at you.

83
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:33,861
Oh, my God.

84
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,573
What are you?

85
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,080
Finnish?

86
00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:47,667
Oddly enough,
I'm 90% Chicano, 10% Inuit.

87
00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:49,089
None of that is true, Ron.

88
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:53,551
Well, I'm Dutch-German with
a dash of Cherokee.

89
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,009
I'm so nervous.

90
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:57,889
Hmm.

91
00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:00,221
You can take her for
a test drive if you like.

92
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:05,063
That's a one spicy meatball,
huh!

93
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:08,266
Sorry.

94
00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:11,695
All right.

95
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:16,115
We're about to make

96
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:18,576
network news history.

97
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,912
- Veronica.
- Yes?

98
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,950
You're going to be
the first female full-time

99
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,873
network news anchor.

100
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,413
- Oh, my goodness!
- Oh! I knew it.

101
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,248
And you, Mr. Burgundy...

102
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:35,090
Thank you, yes. The first
left-handed baritone.

103
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,420
- Mr. Burgundy.
- Yes?

104
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,097
You're fired.

105
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,594
Come again?

106
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,058
Fired.

107
00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:45,596
I'm sorry,
it just didn't work out.

108
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,106
You don't seem sorry.

109
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:52,403
You are the worst anchorman

110
00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:54,734
I have ever seen.

111
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:58,066
But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.

112
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,786
The injured police officer was
immediately transferred

113
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,279
to an amber-lance.

114
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:04,281
Amboolance.

115
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,037
An am... Ambrulance.

116
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,290
I can't say it.
You ever have that?

117
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:13,962
A word you can't get?
I have trouble with broccoli.

118
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:18,758
Broccoli has always been hard
for me to say. Broccoli.

119
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,715
The slain civil rights leader
was eulogized...

120
00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:23,300
(SNEEZES)

121
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,978
Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!

122
00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:28,851
That doesn't happen every day.

123
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,315
That's a lot of bacteria.

124
00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,855
I'm sorry, sweetie,
you're the best. Quick kiss.

125
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:34,644
Hmm?

126
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,114
- (SNEEZES)
- Oh! Fuck's sake.

127
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:40,113
Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,

128
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,119
so I'm going to give you
the evening to think about it.

129
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:44,913
I forbid it!

130
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:48,917
You forbid it? What?
Who are you? Julius Caesar?

131
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,747
Who the hell is Julius Caesar?

132
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:54,331
Do you mean Dr. J.? Dr. Julius
Caesar the basketball player?

133
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,507
You... Oh! Be quiet.

134
00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:58,213
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
- WALTER: Mom?

135
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,094
I'm sorry,
Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.

136
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,217
He no go to sleep.

137
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:03,848
Christ, Lupita!
What are you doing downstairs?

138
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,267
Stay in your quarters.

139
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:08,724
Mommy? Daddy? Why are you
yelling at each other?

140
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,185
Did Dad drink too
much white wine again?

141
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,733
Walter, honey, why don't you
just go to bed, all right?

142
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:16,186
Mommy and Daddy
are just having a discussion.

143
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:17,900
No! He needs to hear this.

144
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,569
He's six years old.
He's a man.

145
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:24,115
Walter, listen to me.

146
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,952
Are you looking at me?
Walter!

147
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:32,119
Walter! Walter!

148
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:35,205
- He's looking at you, Ron.
- Okay, I can't tell.

149
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,879
Life isn't a fairy tale. Okay?

150
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:42,095
It's not "Let's play Candy Land
and take a three-hour dump."

151
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,304
It's complicated.

152
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,885
It's about getting a paycheck

153
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,387
and keeping a gun
out of your mouth.

154
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,889
- He is a child, Ron!
- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!

155
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:52,059
He's got hair on his nugs.
He's old enough to hear this.

156
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,066
Sometimes in life, you're
going to have to drink

157
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:59,237
a big, fat, stinking bowl
of hot, frothy horse piss!

158
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,573
- Am I getting through to you?
- Ron!

159
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,733
I don't want
to drink horse piss!

160
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:07,404
Walter, honey, it's okay.
All right.

161
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:11,162
This is some sort of metaphor
that your father is using.

162
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:14,002
It's going to be hot,
and frothy, and pungent,

163
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:16,500
and it's going to spill down
the front of your shirt...

164
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:17,956
Stop it, Ron!

165
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:20,129
People are going to be
laughing at you!

166
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,674
(LAUGHS) Oh, they'll
be laughing!

167
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:27,265
I don't want to drink foamy,
hot horse piss!

168
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,388
Oh, yes, you will.
You will gulp it down.

169
00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:32,517
And then, ironically,
you'll develop a thirst

170
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:35,348
as if you were alone
in the Sahara Desert.

171
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,267
It'll be the only thing
on your mind.

172
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,818
"Got to have more horse piss."

173
00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:42,447
One time, Fidel Castro made
my father drink horse piss.

174
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,525
Lupita, you are not helping
the situation.

175
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,615
Is Castro going to make me
drink horse piss?

176
00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:48,994
Damn it, Ron!

177
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,781
It happens all over the world.

178
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:55,544
We will never, ever
make you drink hot horse piss.

179
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,375
I promise you that.

180
00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:00,503
Listen, son, I've heard those
same exact words!

181
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:03,968
And guess what? I always
have to drink the horse piss!

182
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:06,926
He's right. I always have to
drink the horse piss.

183
00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,803
I will lock you in a closet.

184
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:11,184
Burns your throat coming down

185
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,811
and it burns your keester
coming out.

186
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:16,648
I don't want
to drink horse piss!

187
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:20,019
Veronica,
here's the bottom line.

188
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,986
It's a very simple decision.

189
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:27,150
It's either me or the job.

190
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:30,157
It doesn't have
to be a choice, Ron.

191
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,197
Don't do this.

192
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:36,369
Don't throw away everything
that we've worked so hard for.

193
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,336
Me

194
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:40,793
or the job.

195
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,939
SEAWORLD ANNOUNCER: <i>Ladies</i>
<i>and gentlemen, welcome to the 3:10</i>

196
00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,812
<i>Dolphin Show at SeaWorld.</i>

197
00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,359
<i>Sponsored by Enron.</i>

198
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:04,943
<i>Enron, meeting your energy needs
now and forever.</i>

199
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,615
<i>Here's your host, Ron Burgundy.</i>

200
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,702
<i>Good afternoon, everyone.</i>

201
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,704
<i>And welcome
to world-famous SeaWorld,</i>

202
00:10:13,905 --> 00:10:16,749
<i>here in San Diago, California.</i>

203
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,582
<i>Folks, you're going to learn
a lot about sea life today.</i>

204
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:23,085
<i>You're also going to learn
a lot about human despair.</i>

205
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,468
<i>And your teacher's
going to be me.</i>

206
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,796
<i>You're also going to learn
that in a pinch</i>

207
00:10:29,921 --> 00:10:33,471
<i>you can fit an entire ham
sandwich in your butt crack.</i>

208
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:37,137
<i>So you can sample it because
they only give you</i>

209
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,143
<i>a 15 minute smoke break here.</i>

210
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,643
<i>Let's bring out
our world-class trainers here,</i>

211
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,479
<i>Jesse and Paula.</i>

212
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,988
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

213
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,065
<i>Thank you. Thank you, Ron.</i>

214
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,735
<i>I'd like to train you
two lil' honeys how to give me</i>

215
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,240
<i>a world class spanking.</i>

216
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,788
(BOTH LAUGHING)

217
00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,784
<i>You know there's no
drinking on the job, Ron.</i>

218
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,285
<i>I'm aware of that, Missy.</i>

219
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,913
<i>There's also another rule
here at Sea World,</i>

220
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,131
<i>no being a bitch on the job.</i>

221
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,259
(BOTH LAUGHING)

222
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:10,921
(SOBBING)

223
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,005
<i>Okay.</i>

224
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:15,392
<i>So, let's say hello
to the stars of the show,</i>

225
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,389
<i>Chippy and Roo-roo!</i>

226
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:20,096
RON: <i>The rat of the ocean,</i>
<i>the dolphin.</i>

227
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,022
<i>Ooh!</i>

228
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,442
<i>Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!</i>

229
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,854
<i>Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.</i>

230
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:28,108
- (CLEARING THROAT)
- (DOLPHIN CLICKING)

231
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,651
<i>What did you say?</i>

232
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,616
<i>Oh, really? You're a big man.</i>

233
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,616
<i>You want to go?
I'll punch you in the face.</i>

234
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,951
He said he was going to
punch a dolphin.

235
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:40,667
- You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
- Boo!

236
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,378
<i>Hey, you want to see
the other dolphin show?</i>

237
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,296
<i>It's right here in my pants.</i>

238
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:48,754
Children and animals hate you,
Ron Burgundy!

239
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,718
<i>Go ahead, yell all you want!</i>

240
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:53,172
Unhand me, you buffoons!
(GRUNTS)

241
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,800
All right, first, you gave a
gin and tonic

242
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,302
to the sea otters

243
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:02,309
and then you stuck your dick
in the sea anemone display.

244
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:05,559
You're fired,
you washed-up drunk!

245
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:06,980
Guess what, Trevor?

246
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,437
Every morning I get here
early

247
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,698
and rub my private parts
with a sea cucumber.

248
00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,445
(GRUNTS)

249
00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:16,403
This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.

250
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:17,487
(BARKING)

251
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,949
I don't know if I'll vacate my bowels.

252
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,125
It's the only time
I've ever hung myself.

253
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,914
It's too late, Baxter.

254
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,507
(BARKING)

255
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:30,708
My final words?

256
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:34,429
Tell the people that I said...

257
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,390
"Firetruck."
Ack. I'm drawing a blank.

258
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:42,019
(BARKING)

259
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,850
It's okay, you're a dog.

260
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,524
People won't expect you
to remember it word for word.

261
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:49,652
Goodbye,
my sweet hairy prince.

262
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,988
(GRUNTS)

263
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,075
(GROANING)

264
00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:00,076
Evonne Goolagong's
feminine napkin!

265
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:01,706
Uh, Mr. Burgundy?

266
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,955
Hello, I... Oh, my God!

267
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,128
What the hell happened?

268
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,205
Um... Um...

269
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:11,503
I tried to hang myself?

270
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:13,422
Because my life's a mess?

271
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,628
And I saw no other option?

272
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,680
I think
you're telling the truth,

273
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:19,883
but why are you saying it
like you're lying?

274
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:22,893
Because you're a stranger.

275
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:25,680
And I don't want you
to judge me.

276
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,478
Yeah, but...

277
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,685
It happened right before you
walked in. You missed it.

278
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:32,771
Oh, well.
'Cause it happened. Yeah.

279
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,022
So...

280
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,784
RON: Mmm. These are
first-rate flapjacks.

281
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:40,995
I'm telling you,
suicide makes you hungry,

282
00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,822
I don't care what anyone says.

283
00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:44,374
My name is Freddie Shapp,

284
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:47,623
and I'm a producer
of a new kind of news.

285
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,421
We're starting
a 24-hour news channel.

286
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:51,923
First of its kind!

287
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:54,925
GNN. The Global News Network.

288
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,503
(LAUGHING)

289
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,385
That is, without a doubt,

290
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,387
the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

291
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:05,015
You mean news going 24 hours
around the clock?

292
00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:07,389
A channel that's never off,
in other words?

293
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:10,896
- Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours.
- (LAUGHING)

294
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:16,152
Freddie Shapp,
you are a fucking idiot.

295
00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:17,816
Mr. Burgundy, I assure you

296
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,651
we are 100% for real.

297
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,536
We've got state-of-the-art
facilities in Manhattan.

298
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:25,248
And Kench Allenby,
multi-millionaire

299
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,576
and owner of Koala Airlines.

300
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,412
I saw Kench Allenby play
at the Bob Hope Classic.

301
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,998
He hit a wedge from
130 out,

302
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:34,624
he put it on the head of a quarter.

303
00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:36,254
That guy can play.

304
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:39,345
He's funding the whole
network. He believes in it.

305
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:40,929
Here.

306
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:43,758
This is your
first week's salary.

307
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:48,604
By the oversized nipples
of Della Reese!

308
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,982
We've got a whole news team
ready for you.

309
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:57,649
Sports, weather and a
top-notch investigative reporter.

310
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,277
This is a young guy
I never heard of. Bob Costas.

311
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,571
This guy, we'll get
his gap fixed, Letterman.

312
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:09,076
And Jennings. He's a young
kid, but they're hungry.

313
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,705
I don't think you understand,
Freddie.

314
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,291
When my wife turned
her back on me

315
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:18,255
by letting me turn my back on
her for fulfilling her dreams,

316
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:21,338
I knew the news game
was over for me.

317
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:24,678
No. You were put on this Earth
by God Almighty

318
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,350
to be a news man.

319
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:30,556
How dare you think about
depriving the people of that?

320
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:34,275
The Ron Burgundy I used to
love to watch on TV,

321
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:35,852
he wouldn't take this
lying down.

322
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,028
What do you say, Ron?

323
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:42,780
I'll take the job.

324
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,280
And I swear to you
I'll be number one again.

325
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:49,036
I'll get my son back,
I'll restore my reputation

326
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,083
and make things right
with Veronica.

327
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,161
But more importantly,

328
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:56,873
I'll do what God put me
on this Earth to do.

329
00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,425
Be famous.

330
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:03,422
Ron... You've made my day.

331
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,721
I won't be using these
jerk offs, though.

332
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:10,770
I've got the best damn
news team in the world.

333
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,727
- Your call.
- I just have to find them.

334
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:16,689
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

335
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:26,027
San Diago. Looks like we begin
our search right here at home.

336
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,162
Last I heard,
Champ Kind was fired

337
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:30,956
for being drunk on the air
and saying that Asians

338
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:33,034
can't play baseball 'cause
they're always squinting.

339
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,787
- (BAXTER BARKING)
- (LAUGHS)

340
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,502
- Who loves chicken? You do!
- We do!

341
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:40,876
<i>Delicious chicken
swing on through</i>

342
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,256
<i>Meet the crew, hoo-hoo!</i>

343
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,759
I'm local San Diego legend
Champ Kind,

344
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,465
and I believe in two things:

345
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,805
Good chicken, and that
if Jesus had a sidearm

346
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,514
he wouldn't have
been crucified.

347
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,642
So swing on by
and grab a wing.

348
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,899
<i>'Cause when you do,
you'll say, "Whammy!"</i>

349
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,068
<i>BYOL.
Bring your own liquor.</i>

350
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,437
All right, there you go.

351
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,943
One Whammy Special,
with Whammy Slaw.

352
00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:06,113
There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.

353
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,282
My gosh,
let me take care of that.

354
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:09,494
Get out of here before

355
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,664
I smash your head in,
you Commie bastard!

356
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:14,288
If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!

357
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:18,417
You never did have much
of a bedside manner, Champ.

358
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,339
Ron? Ron Burgundy?

359
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,592
- Get over here!
- How are you, friend?

360
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,923
God, I have longed for you.

361
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:28,052
- It's good to see you, too.
- Oh, this feels like home.

362
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,888
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Better now.

363
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:34,808
Okay, let's break
the huddle here, huh?

364
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,140
Okay. All right.

365
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,142
You get back here! Oh!

366
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,317
Don't be weird!

367
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:43,024
So, Harken sits me down
to have a man to man.

368
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:45,189
I really don't remember
much of it.

369
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:48,072
I was told later, I guess
I took a swing at him.

370
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:51,450
I had a knife in my pocket,
he got stabbed pretty deep.

371
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:52,784
I set a fire somewhere.

372
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,949
There was
something dripping on me,

373
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:56,534
now I got this nasty
head wound.

374
00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:58,828
Turned out, I guess, I got in
a fight with some of the crew.

375
00:17:58,911 --> 00:17:59,912
Okay.

376
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,090
Anyway, I was pretty insistent
I got on the air,

377
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,212
but as you can understand,
Ed had to let me go.

378
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:06,636
His hands were tied
in that situation.

379
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,092
Fortunately,
on the way out the door,

380
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:10,798
I fake a work injury.

381
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,849
With the settlement,
I bought this place.

382
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,015
Well, I'm glad to see you
landed on your feet, Champ.

383
00:18:16,387 --> 00:18:17,764
Listen, can I ask you
a question?

384
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:19,349
Sure. Anything.

385
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,354
Is... Is this chicken?

386
00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,478
Oh, hell, no.

387
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:25,396
It's really impossible
to turn a profit

388
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:26,947
if you serve real chicken.

389
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,734
- Yeah. We use mainly bats.
- What?

390
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,282
Yeah.
But the good quality kind.

391
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,823
That's the most horrible thing
I've ever heard.

392
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,496
Yeah? You got to do
what you got to do, right?

393
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:39,748
So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?

394
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:40,953
Yep.

395
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:43,881
Can I ask you, is there
a recipe for the seasoning?

396
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:47,878
The seasoning's the great
secret, we use road salt

397
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,213
and ashes from
a crematorium.

398
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:52,298
- Aw, Champ.
- It's crazy good.

399
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:53,382
It's crazy wrong.

400
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:54,850
If you don't like that,
you don't even want to know

401
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,640
what the French fries
are made out of.

402
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:57,894
You're sure as hell right.

403
00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,931
- I'm going to tell you anyway.
- Please don't.

404
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,734
Worms, grubs and camel feces
as a binding agent.

405
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,273
This is a horror show.

406
00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:07,859
Why don't you have a bite
and stop judging it.

407
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:09,987
I'm not going to bite
into a fried bat.

408
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,243
- It's delicious.
- It's all tendon. Look at it.

409
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,070
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

410
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:16,781
Was that a bat?

411
00:19:17,114 --> 00:19:19,037
One gets loose
about once a week.

412
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,914
Hey, what brings
you here, Ron?

413
00:19:21,285 --> 00:19:24,710
My friend, we've got a job.
In New York City.

414
00:19:24,789 --> 00:19:26,006
Whammy!

415
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,338
That's the best news
I've heard since I found out

416
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,010
you can get high
off insect repellent.

417
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,633
You've got yourself
a sportscaster.

418
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:32,759
Oh, great.

419
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,055
Denny!

420
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:36,934
Lock up!

421
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,761
Any idea where
Brian Fantana is?

422
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:39,936
You haven't heard?

423
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,098
Fantana hit the big time.

424
00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:46,152
Oh, yeah, you're a dirty
little thing, aren't you?

425
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,153
Yeah, that's it.
Just play around.

426
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:49,572
Roll around
like you're on the bed.

427
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:52,863
Hey, I'm not here.
No one's here. You're alone.

428
00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:54,822
Do what you do
when you're alone.

429
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:57,288
What's going on? What is this?

430
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,741
What are these
balls in my face? That's it.

431
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:02,335
What are these
giant balls in my face?

432
00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:04,666
Yeah, play with them.
Swat them around.

433
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,463
That's it. I'm not here.
None of us are here.

434
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:10,214
Do your thing. That's it.

435
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:11,384
(ALL APPLAUDING)

436
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,462
You're not getting
any better than that.

437
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,507
- That's brilliant!
- Yeah, yeah.

438
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,934
Hey, Brian, you have any time
for the little people?

439
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,060
(ALL LAUGHING)

440
00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:30,146
- Hey, Brian.
- Champ! How you doing?

441
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,355
Hey!

442
00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:33,274
- Wow. This is a...
- Cool it!

443
00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:35,535
No, but what I have found is
that, you know, you give a cat

444
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:37,403
a lot of Amaretto, strangely
enough,

445
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,159
and they'll sit still for quite a while.

446
00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:41,081
Oh, hey, look at this one,
this one's great.

447
00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:43,793
The experience of shooting
that one was transcendent.

448
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,753
So much so
that I can confidently

449
00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:47,546
look into the eyes
of any woman and say,

450
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,545
"You know what, I know
what childbirth is like."

451
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,093
And I bet you a woman would
like to hear that.

452
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,556
Look at that little guy
in the fish bowl.

453
00:20:56,839 --> 00:21:00,093
I gotta say, it's really great
and, of course,

454
00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:02,270
it's just so funny.

455
00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:04,438
Yeah. Sad ending
to this one though.

456
00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:06,315
Poor little guy snapped his neck

457
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:08,392
when I was trying to get him
out of the fish bowl.

458
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,945
Stupid. I used tongs.
Salad tongs.

459
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:12,818
I don't know why I
didn't just use my hand.

460
00:21:12,897 --> 00:21:15,571
Seems like you could've just
tipped the jar on its side

461
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,777
and let him crawl out
on his own leisure.

462
00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:19,866
Yeah, hindsight is 20/20.

463
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:21,155
You know they call cats

464
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,873
chicken of
the freeway underpass.

465
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,284
- What?
- Don't indulge him.

466
00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:26,876
I never heard that.

467
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:28,458
Not a lot of bones in cats.

468
00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:31,211
You could probably
just get right at it.

469
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,793
You need to stop, my friend.

470
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,049
We don't eat cats around these
parts, Champ.

471
00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:38,510
(LAUGHS)
That's a blast.

472
00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:41,142
And this one's coming out
today. <i>Cat Fancy</i> magazine.

473
00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:43,056
But not just the magazine.
In church rec rooms,

474
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,478
school binders, everywhere.

475
00:21:44,553 --> 00:21:45,850
It's the biggest launch
we've ever had.

476
00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:48,729
So why are you guys here,
anyway?

477
00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:50,066
Well, Brian,

478
00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:52,729
we're getting the news team
back together again.

479
00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:54,063
Really?

480
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:56,319
And, of course, we want
to know if you'll join us.

481
00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:57,817
Jeez, I don't know.

482
00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:00,403
I kind of got the world
by the tail here. I...

483
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,075
I don't know if I can.

484
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:03,322
I get it. Christ.

485
00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:05,248
You're the Akira Kurosawa
of cat photographers.

486
00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:06,663
Why would you leave all this?

487
00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:09,495
Brian! Brian!

488
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,664
The cover's out!

489
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:13,916
Oh, okay.

490
00:22:14,375 --> 00:22:15,376
Oh.

491
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:19,138
This, uh, this is not good.

492
00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:21,925
It's a typo.

493
00:22:22,925 --> 00:22:23,926
Uh-oh.

494
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:27,096
I have to point out that
technically speaking

495
00:22:27,221 --> 00:22:28,222
a pussy is a cat.

496
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,348
- I know.
- That's true.

497
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,775
But I never spend $100
on a lobster dinner

498
00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:32,935
for a kitty cat.

499
00:22:33,686 --> 00:22:35,404
(ALL LAUGHING)

500
00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:39,779
Oh, no! We're all going to die!

501
00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:41,577
Thanks, Champ.

502
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:42,862
Whoo!

503
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:47,124
I'm not used to driving
these multi-axle vehicles.

504
00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:50,624
The question still remains...

505
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:52,713
Where's Brick Tamland?

506
00:22:52,955 --> 00:22:55,299
Oh. You guys didn't hear?

507
00:22:55,541 --> 00:22:56,884
No, what happened?

508
00:22:57,543 --> 00:22:59,090
Brick's...

509
00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:01,214
Dead.

510
00:23:10,139 --> 00:23:11,231
BRIAN: Brick was lost at sea

511
00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:12,399
- about a year ago.
- RON: Oh.

512
00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:15,231
Thought he saw a bird
and he swam out to pet it.

513
00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:16,654
He never came back.

514
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:19,149
- (PEOPLE SOBBING)
- We all loved Brick.

515
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:20,482
Sweet Brick.

516
00:23:20,566 --> 00:23:23,490
One time he introduced me
to his parents

517
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:25,829
who were clearly younger
than him.

518
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:27,493
Skip and Donna Tamland.

519
00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:29,583
- They were teenagers.
- And they were Asian.

520
00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:30,750
Yes, they were.

521
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:33,625
He'll long be remembered and
he'll be sorely missed.

522
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:37,500
(SIGHS)

523
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:40,753
Thank you, Reverend.

524
00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:44,090
- Oh.
- Oh, come on!

525
00:23:44,173 --> 00:23:46,267
(SCOFFS) Really?

526
00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:49,346
Brick loved to put
his feet into pita bread

527
00:23:50,179 --> 00:23:53,433
because they're like socks
except you can eat them.

528
00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:54,934
What?

529
00:23:55,017 --> 00:23:59,147
It is hard for me to believe
that he is gone. (SOBS)

530
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:04,318
(SOBBING) I feel that
I just saw him yesterday.

531
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:06,528
You were probably talking
to yourself in a mirror.

532
00:24:07,029 --> 00:24:08,872
(SHOUTS) Why? Why?

533
00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:11,041
Why did you take him from us?

534
00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:13,460
You're clearly standing
in front of us, Brick.

535
00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:15,038
Brick is dead!

536
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:16,793
- CHAMP: No, Brick's alive.
- Brick is dead!

537
00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:18,044
- Look at him!
- He's not dead.

538
00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:19,212
He's not dead, Brick.
You're not dead.

539
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:20,676
- You're Brick!
- Brick, it's you!

540
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:22,219
He's dead!

541
00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:25,514
No! You are Brick!
Touch yourself.

542
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:28,137
- I am Brick?
- ALL: Yes!

543
00:24:28,217 --> 00:24:30,219
- I'm alive?
- ALL: Yes!

544
00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:32,059
- (LAUGHING JOYFULLY)
- ED: Of course.

545
00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:33,605
Of course you are.

546
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:37,484
You kind of want to slug him.
You want to slug him.

547
00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:40,275
I went to pet the bird
but it was fast.

548
00:24:40,437 --> 00:24:41,905
So I kept swimming.

549
00:24:42,272 --> 00:24:45,401
After a week I landed in
an island called Aloha.

550
00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:47,611
Moses on a Vespa.

551
00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:49,910
He swam all the way to Hawaii.

552
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:51,156
I married a lady

553
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:53,492
and people paid me
to catch bad guys

554
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:54,960
who didn't go to court.

555
00:24:55,244 --> 00:24:57,793
You were a bounty hunter in
Hawaii for the past year?

556
00:24:58,247 --> 00:25:01,421
Yes. I was a bangy hunger in Y
past gear...

557
00:25:01,667 --> 00:25:03,010
You've got a Hawaiian wife?

558
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:05,466
Yes, her name's Lanai.
We have six kids.

559
00:25:05,921 --> 00:25:07,343
Six kids, you were only
gone a year?

560
00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:10,142
(LAUGHS)
I'm a bangy hunger.

561
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:14,521
You can be a diaper salesman
in Duluth for all I care.

562
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:17,058
It's just great to get the news team
back together again.

563
00:25:17,141 --> 00:25:18,142
Hot damn.

564
00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:20,478
(ANCHORMEN LAUGHING)

565
00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:24,941
RON: Do you remember our
Easter trip to San Francisco?

566
00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:27,784
And we took that
helicopter tour

567
00:25:27,943 --> 00:25:30,196
and Brick said,
"I wish I could fly."

568
00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:32,990
And we said, "Why don't
you try?" Boom.

569
00:25:33,282 --> 00:25:34,909
I couldn't fly!

570
00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:37,962
He was flapping his arms
the whole way down.

571
00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:40,372
I ruptured my pancreas.

572
00:25:41,707 --> 00:25:44,802
Remember the time I took
Champ's mom to the hospital

573
00:25:44,877 --> 00:25:47,471
and then we hit it off
and I gave her gonorrhea?

574
00:25:48,714 --> 00:25:50,136
Champ's mom got the clap.

575
00:25:50,215 --> 00:25:52,559
- Oh, my God.
- She was pissed.

576
00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:54,303
Fantana's a dirty dog.

577
00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:55,938
I'll tell you something,
she was 78

578
00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:57,640
but she didn't
look a day over 74.

579
00:25:57,723 --> 00:26:00,272
Get rid of the walker
and the eye patch,

580
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:01,852
I'll tell you,
she ain't bad looking.

581
00:26:01,977 --> 00:26:03,024
Good to go.

582
00:26:03,145 --> 00:26:05,523
Best part of it all,
she actually fell in love with Brian.

583
00:26:06,023 --> 00:26:08,025
- Aw. How is she doing?
- She died yesterday.

584
00:26:08,317 --> 00:26:10,740
Oh, that stinks.
Tell her I said "hi."

585
00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:12,488
Well, I can't because
she's dead now.

586
00:26:13,030 --> 00:26:14,452
- Oh, "dead" dead.
- Dead.

587
00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:15,828
- Oh.
- She passed away.

588
00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:17,242
Gonorrhea?

589
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:19,002
(LAUGHING)

590
00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:21,338
CHAMP:
You don't die from gonorrhea.

591
00:26:21,497 --> 00:26:22,840
You suffer quite a bit.

592
00:26:22,915 --> 00:26:24,508
Here's the real kicker,

593
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:26,005
and you guys
are going to lose it.

594
00:26:26,085 --> 00:26:27,507
Do you know
what her last words were?

595
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,676
"Tell Brian I always
loved him."

596
00:26:29,922 --> 00:26:31,674
(LAUGHING)

597
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,523
Oh.
Well, tell her I said hi.

598
00:26:40,682 --> 00:26:42,229
No, I can't.
She's not alive.

599
00:26:42,351 --> 00:26:43,568
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

600
00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:46,776
How about the time
when I was born

601
00:26:46,897 --> 00:26:49,525
and I came out of the vagina?

602
00:26:50,901 --> 00:26:52,278
And I was screaming,

603
00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:56,032
"Here I come.
Oh. Here I come, Mom."

604
00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:00,203
How could we, Brick,
we weren't there.

605
00:27:00,369 --> 00:27:01,962
We're telling stories
involving

606
00:27:02,204 --> 00:27:03,877
the entire news team
from the past.

607
00:27:04,081 --> 00:27:07,460
Oh, what about the time
when we were in the Binewago

608
00:27:07,543 --> 00:27:10,888
and Ron told me that I wasn't
telling the story right?

609
00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:13,720
There you go.
That's pretty good.

610
00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:15,930
- That was about all of us.
- Not really.

611
00:27:16,135 --> 00:27:19,765
Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!

612
00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:21,060
Ron,

613
00:27:21,265 --> 00:27:24,064
Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!

614
00:27:24,143 --> 00:27:25,941
- (BARKING)
- (LAUGHING)

615
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:27,483
He's naked.

616
00:27:28,772 --> 00:27:29,944
Hey, Ron, who's driving?

617
00:27:30,232 --> 00:27:32,109
Oh, it's okay,
it's on cruise control.

618
00:27:33,902 --> 00:27:36,075
Who wants some
chimichangas, huh?

619
00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:38,081
Best thing I ever did
was install

620
00:27:38,157 --> 00:27:39,625
this deep fryer in the 'bago.

621
00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:41,743
Hey, Ron. Cruise control
just regulates speed,

622
00:27:41,827 --> 00:27:43,249
it doesn't steer.

623
00:27:43,745 --> 00:27:44,837
- Come again?
- Oh!

624
00:27:45,789 --> 00:27:47,086
(HONKING)

625
00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:48,796
(TIRES SCREECHING)

626
00:27:51,128 --> 00:27:53,176
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

627
00:28:00,637 --> 00:28:02,685
Mmm!

628
00:28:05,809 --> 00:28:07,607
(SCREAMING)

629
00:28:12,441 --> 00:28:14,944
RON: Is that a pool of blood
or urine I'm in?

630
00:28:15,152 --> 00:28:16,995
(ALL LAUGHING)

631
00:28:27,164 --> 00:28:28,791
These are the guys you hired?

632
00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:32,093
Hey, Freddie!
Pardon the appearance.

633
00:28:32,211 --> 00:28:35,715
Quick tip: never put a
deep fryer in your Winnebago.

634
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:40,519
No, no, Brick. No.
There we go.

635
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,724
Here we are. Welcome to GNN.

636
00:28:47,893 --> 00:28:50,237
I don't know, Ron.
You sure about this place?

637
00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:52,735
Guys, I know it's a bit
of a mess, but trust me,

638
00:28:52,981 --> 00:28:55,825
everything will be ready
for the launch tomorrow.

639
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:59,743
We've culled the whole country
for the best newsmen.

640
00:29:00,072 --> 00:29:01,995
There's Curtis Knightfish
from Houston.

641
00:29:02,074 --> 00:29:03,121
Oh, Curtis Knightfish.

642
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,577
They don't get
any better than that.

643
00:29:04,910 --> 00:29:07,038
One night Knightfish and I
got so drunk

644
00:29:07,162 --> 00:29:10,166
we drank the fluid from six
Magic 8 Balls.

645
00:29:10,832 --> 00:29:12,209
Never got the answer.

646
00:29:12,751 --> 00:29:13,923
You had to go to the hospital
for that, right?

647
00:29:14,044 --> 00:29:15,387
Oh, yeah,
I lost a kidney.

648
00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:18,261
FREDDIE: There's Diane Yahwea
from Carson City.

649
00:29:18,340 --> 00:29:21,389
You know what they call her?
"All the Way Yahwea."

650
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,183
Yeah!
She won a Pulitzer.

651
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:28,851
And the best in the biz.
Jack Lime, out of Chicago.

652
00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:33,030
Rumor is Allenby is giving him
one mil a year.

653
00:29:33,355 --> 00:29:35,357
That's crazy. Who's worth
that kind of money?

654
00:29:36,984 --> 00:29:40,238
RON: Oh, my God!
He's absolutely magnificent!

655
00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:43,073
I betcha that brother
bags a lot of p.

656
00:29:44,366 --> 00:29:47,040
- I'd like to pee on him.
- Mmm. Yeah.

657
00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:48,704
Wait. What?

658
00:29:48,870 --> 00:29:49,871
Huh?

659
00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:52,458
I bet the inside of his mouth
is even beautiful.

660
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:54,627
Can I help you, guy?

661
00:29:54,876 --> 00:29:56,048
(STAMMERS) What was that?

662
00:29:56,128 --> 00:29:57,505
I said, "Can I help you, guy?"

663
00:29:57,587 --> 00:29:59,885
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
What do you mean?

664
00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:02,050
Well, you're staring at me,
hotshot.

665
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,807
- Do you want my autograph?
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

666
00:30:06,722 --> 00:30:08,440
No, he was just explaining

667
00:30:08,557 --> 00:30:10,400
who you were
and I was looking at you.

668
00:30:10,559 --> 00:30:11,776
And then he said something

669
00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:13,645
and I was still
looking at you.

670
00:30:13,729 --> 00:30:16,152
(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)

671
00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:17,908
(ALL LAUGHING)

672
00:30:20,068 --> 00:30:22,571
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Jack Lime is a great man!

673
00:30:22,738 --> 00:30:24,115
(LAUGHING)

674
00:30:24,323 --> 00:30:25,666
Is that what I sound like
when I talk?

675
00:30:25,907 --> 00:30:27,500
(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)

676
00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:28,914
(ALL LAUGHING)

677
00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:30,746
I guess that's funny. I mean...

678
00:30:31,705 --> 00:30:34,629
- That is you.
- I sometimes sound like that, I guess.

679
00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:36,084
Hey, slugger!

680
00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:38,508
What's feeding time
for that mustache of yours?

681
00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:41,098
(ALL LAUGHING)

682
00:30:43,175 --> 00:30:46,679
Brick, what are you doing
laughing over there?

683
00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:49,606
- Get back over here.
- Get over here.

684
00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:51,024
BRIAN: Come on, Brick.

685
00:30:51,808 --> 00:30:54,357
So, anyways, that's Jack Lime.

686
00:30:55,437 --> 00:30:57,155
Come on, guys.
Let's go meet the boss.

687
00:30:57,981 --> 00:30:59,654
FREDDIE: We'll have
separate cameras

688
00:30:59,775 --> 00:31:02,449
for you, and then sports
and then weather.

689
00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:04,821
Let me ask you this, Freddie,
how's the new head honcho?

690
00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:08,788
Well, Linda Jackson
has a shelf full of Emmys.

691
00:31:08,950 --> 00:31:13,126
She's tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.

692
00:31:13,205 --> 00:31:14,957
Oh, hey, Linda!

693
00:31:15,165 --> 00:31:17,839
I want to introduce you
to Ron Burgundy.

694
00:31:18,377 --> 00:31:21,221
Linda Jackson.
How are you, my friend?

695
00:31:21,463 --> 00:31:22,464
FREDDIE: Ron.

696
00:31:23,215 --> 00:31:24,717
This is Linda Jackson.

697
00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:26,722
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

698
00:31:27,511 --> 00:31:29,184
Oh. Uh...

699
00:31:29,262 --> 00:31:30,263
Black.

700
00:31:32,724 --> 00:31:34,192
Black.

701
00:31:34,684 --> 00:31:35,685
Black.

702
00:31:37,020 --> 00:31:38,021
You're choking on something.

703
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:40,398
I'm terribly sorry.

704
00:31:40,482 --> 00:31:42,610
I don't know
why I can't stop saying...

705
00:31:43,402 --> 00:31:45,075
Black. The word "black."

706
00:31:45,237 --> 00:31:46,659
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

707
00:31:46,988 --> 00:31:48,160
Black.

708
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:49,241
Black.

709
00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:51,372
- Black.
- Black.

710
00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:53,670
Stop saying "black."

711
00:31:53,870 --> 00:31:56,248
If I keep my mouth open,
I just won't say it.

712
00:31:57,082 --> 00:31:59,380
Uh, Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?

713
00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,552
- Right away, Ms. Jackson.
- Thank you.

714
00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:04,506
Hey, Donna.
Make the coffee black.

715
00:32:04,881 --> 00:32:07,179
- Please be seated. Everyone.
- Sure.

716
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:08,559
LINDA: Please be seated.

717
00:32:14,558 --> 00:32:16,526
Can you take a seat on
the sofa?

718
00:32:16,852 --> 00:32:18,854
Come on, guys,
it's not preschool.

719
00:32:19,855 --> 00:32:22,358
Sit on the furniture. They were
trying to be deferential, I think.

720
00:32:23,442 --> 00:32:27,367
Great. So I know
that all of you are aware

721
00:32:27,737 --> 00:32:29,080
that the news community
is laughing

722
00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:31,120
at what we're trying to do
here at 24-hour news.

723
00:32:31,199 --> 00:32:32,917
But that is why they
brought me in.

724
00:32:33,368 --> 00:32:35,041
Listen, I feel like
I need to clear the air.

725
00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:36,587
Oh, please don't.

726
00:32:36,705 --> 00:32:38,673
I want you to know, on behalf
of the news team,

727
00:32:38,748 --> 00:32:41,718
we are huge supporters of all

728
00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:43,545
African and Americans.

729
00:32:44,379 --> 00:32:46,928
I like lions.
But not to touch.

730
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:50,264
I remember the first African
and American I ever saw.

731
00:32:50,552 --> 00:32:52,099
It's African-American.

732
00:32:52,387 --> 00:32:53,889
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

733
00:32:54,097 --> 00:32:56,600
Absolutely 100% positive?
It isn't like...

734
00:32:56,725 --> 00:32:57,772
Ron... (CHUCKLES)

735
00:32:57,893 --> 00:33:00,646
- Fish and chips?
- African 'n' American?

736
00:33:01,062 --> 00:33:02,279
Like an "n" with
an apostrophe?

737
00:33:02,439 --> 00:33:04,567
Please just stop it.

738
00:33:05,066 --> 00:33:07,319
Linda, guess what movie
I watch every Christmas?

739
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,409
<i>Little Darlings</i>
with Kristy McNichol?

740
00:33:09,738 --> 00:33:11,411
<i>Six Pack</i>
starring Kenny Rogers?

741
00:33:11,573 --> 00:33:12,790
A modern classic.

742
00:33:12,949 --> 00:33:14,417
Carrot.

743
00:33:15,410 --> 00:33:17,913
Carrot? I'm not familiar
with that film.

744
00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:19,956
It's really, really good.

745
00:33:20,582 --> 00:33:23,882
I put on my comfy slippers and
pour myself a cup of nog

746
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,758
and watch <i>The Wiz.</i>

747
00:33:26,087 --> 00:33:29,933
Judy Garland who? <i>The Wiz</i>
makes the real <i>Wizard of Oz</i>

748
00:33:30,091 --> 00:33:31,513
its bitch.

749
00:33:31,801 --> 00:33:35,101
Hey, we're all the same color
on the inside. Pink.

750
00:33:35,764 --> 00:33:37,607
With a little bit of brown and
a little bit of white.

751
00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:39,142
Milky yellow.

752
00:33:39,309 --> 00:33:41,186
Look, I don't care what color
you are,

753
00:33:41,269 --> 00:33:44,614
black, green, yellow,
brown...

754
00:33:44,856 --> 00:33:46,950
Just as long as you act white.

755
00:33:47,526 --> 00:33:50,279
Jesus, this is the worst
meeting I've ever been in.

756
00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:52,782
A black man follows me
everywhere when it's sunny.

757
00:33:52,989 --> 00:33:54,832
Actually, I think that's
your shadow, Brick.

758
00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:56,501
I call him Leon.

759
00:33:56,785 --> 00:33:58,583
He's about half
as tall as I am

760
00:33:58,662 --> 00:34:00,130
depending on what
time of day it is.

761
00:34:00,497 --> 00:34:02,124
He likes to play
the timpani

762
00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:05,044
and he is
a water-colorist.

763
00:34:05,168 --> 00:34:06,966
What happens to him
when it gets cloudy outside?

764
00:34:07,045 --> 00:34:08,297
Leon goes away.

765
00:34:08,505 --> 00:34:10,303
It's your shadow.
He's talking about his shadow.

766
00:34:10,632 --> 00:34:13,135
Shut your damn mouths!
Sit down!

767
00:34:15,804 --> 00:34:16,805
What's he doing?

768
00:34:16,972 --> 00:34:19,475
I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.

769
00:34:19,808 --> 00:34:21,310
Is he all right?

770
00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:24,149
Do you have a red umbrella
or a kitten?

771
00:34:24,396 --> 00:34:25,397
No.

772
00:34:25,647 --> 00:34:26,864
Something soft and squishy?

773
00:34:27,023 --> 00:34:28,024
No.

774
00:34:28,149 --> 00:34:29,696
CHAMP: Brick, get up, we're
going to watch Carrot.

775
00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:31,069
Yeah, Brick,
do you want to watch Carrot?

776
00:34:31,152 --> 00:34:32,153
Carrot's on?

777
00:34:32,654 --> 00:34:33,655
That's all it takes.

778
00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:36,412
- Is this for real, Freddie?
- Linda, I'm sorry.

779
00:34:36,533 --> 00:34:38,035
No, it's okay! It's okay.

780
00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,912
So you have a black boss,
and it's freaking you out.

781
00:34:40,996 --> 00:34:42,043
Is it freaking you out?

782
00:34:42,163 --> 00:34:43,460
Oh, my gosh, yes.

783
00:34:43,540 --> 00:34:44,666
Yes, we're feeling
uncomfortable.

784
00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:45,921
This freaking you out?

785
00:34:46,042 --> 00:34:47,294
Just take my wallet.

786
00:34:47,377 --> 00:34:48,879
I don't give a shit!

787
00:34:49,004 --> 00:34:51,348
We're not all here to hold
hands and sing <i>Kumbaya.</i>

788
00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:53,846
So as long as
you guys get numbers,

789
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:56,019
we are gonna
get along just fine.

790
00:34:56,511 --> 00:34:58,889
Now, if you don't,
I am gonna be icy.

791
00:34:59,681 --> 00:35:01,024
And unpleasant, you dig?

792
00:35:01,266 --> 00:35:02,688
Oh, I dig.

793
00:35:02,851 --> 00:35:04,353
What does that mean?

794
00:35:04,686 --> 00:35:06,063
Could be a dance.

795
00:35:06,354 --> 00:35:09,358
We dig.
We're no jive turkeys.

796
00:35:09,608 --> 00:35:11,531
Yup, we dig it.

797
00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:15,038
Well, if you gentlemen will
please excuse yourselves,

798
00:35:15,196 --> 00:35:17,369
I'm going to fry me
some hush puppies

799
00:35:17,532 --> 00:35:19,125
and do me a
little dance

800
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:20,789
and go hang out with
my boyfriend,

801
00:35:20,869 --> 00:35:23,543
the basketball player who
has a humongous donkey.

802
00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:28,047
We hope you two have a
wonderful time.

803
00:35:28,710 --> 00:35:30,212
That was a joke.

804
00:35:30,378 --> 00:35:31,345
Huh.

805
00:35:31,421 --> 00:35:32,638
(LAUGHING)

806
00:35:35,258 --> 00:35:36,259
Of course it was!

807
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,141
I knew it. I knew
she was joking.

808
00:35:39,220 --> 00:35:40,221
Get out.

809
00:35:40,722 --> 00:35:42,474
What team do you think the
fella plays for?

810
00:35:42,641 --> 00:35:44,814
No, no, she was kidding.
She made it clear.

811
00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:47,108
That's why I made
jokes about us.

812
00:35:47,604 --> 00:35:51,609
Guys. Guys,
I got you an apartment

813
00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:54,861
on the Upper East Side
and a whole new wardrobe.

814
00:35:54,944 --> 00:35:57,788
That's wonderful! When
do we begin our broadcast?

815
00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,741
Well, the big launch
is tomorrow

816
00:35:59,824 --> 00:36:01,292
- at 12:00 noon.
- Okay.

817
00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:05,255
You guys are slotted for the
2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. slot.

818
00:36:05,830 --> 00:36:09,084
What?
That's the graveyard shift!

819
00:36:09,209 --> 00:36:10,756
"I ain't afraid of no ghost."

820
00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:12,421
This is a real shocker,
Freddie.

821
00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,218
Hey, after that meeting,

822
00:36:14,422 --> 00:36:16,140
you're lucky
you weren't fired!

823
00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:19,387
You wouldn't
stop saying the word black.

824
00:36:19,928 --> 00:36:22,147
I'm of the right mind to march
right back in there and ask

825
00:36:22,222 --> 00:36:23,223
for a different time slot.

826
00:36:23,306 --> 00:36:24,683
- That's a good idea.
- Okay, okay.

827
00:36:24,766 --> 00:36:27,019
I'll let you go in if
you can just not say black.

828
00:36:29,979 --> 00:36:32,323
- Black. Nope.
- See.

829
00:36:32,399 --> 00:36:34,572
- She did it too.
- She did what?

830
00:36:34,776 --> 00:36:35,777
A two-way street.

831
00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:37,157
Yeah, double-edged sword here.

832
00:36:37,404 --> 00:36:39,122
It's a two-way
double-edged sword.

833
00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:40,198
It's only one way.

834
00:36:40,281 --> 00:36:42,375
- That clears it up.
- Great.

835
00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:45,128
Let's get your keys. Come on!

836
00:36:45,745 --> 00:36:47,588
(PHONE RINGING)

837
00:36:47,706 --> 00:36:49,299
RON: Is there booze
in the apartment?

838
00:36:49,374 --> 00:36:50,626
FREDDIE: Of course
there's gonna be booze.

839
00:36:52,794 --> 00:36:55,513
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

840
00:37:14,858 --> 00:37:17,361
What are you doing, Chani?
Answer it!

841
00:37:18,361 --> 00:37:20,614
Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.

842
00:37:21,448 --> 00:37:23,450
Your job is to
answer the phones.

843
00:37:23,867 --> 00:37:25,039
I'm getting ready
for Secret Santa.

844
00:37:25,118 --> 00:37:26,335
When is that again?

845
00:37:26,411 --> 00:37:29,665
It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?

846
00:37:30,999 --> 00:37:32,546
Yeah.

847
00:37:33,626 --> 00:37:34,627
Merry Christmas.

848
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:36,212
Thanks.

849
00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:39,345
One time I threw a pool ball
as hard as I could,

850
00:37:39,424 --> 00:37:43,054
straight up into the air,
and then forgot I threw it.

851
00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:45,726
I started to eat a tomato from
my back pocket,

852
00:37:45,805 --> 00:37:47,807
then the pool ball came down
and hit me in the head.

853
00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:49,650
It hurt so much
I ran around screaming,

854
00:37:49,726 --> 00:37:51,478
"Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no!"

855
00:37:52,312 --> 00:37:53,859
I love stories about France.

856
00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:56,734
I love stories where skeletons
play the piano.

857
00:37:59,652 --> 00:38:01,746
I'm Brick.
I was dead last week.

858
00:38:01,821 --> 00:38:03,164
I'm Chani.

859
00:38:03,448 --> 00:38:06,452
I like the parts of your face

860
00:38:06,868 --> 00:38:09,872
that are covered with skin.

861
00:38:10,246 --> 00:38:12,590
Your hair looks like wet
popcorn in a fishing net.

862
00:38:13,625 --> 00:38:17,175
I just get out of the shower
and burn it a little.

863
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:19,506
Can you do this?

864
00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:27,555
That's good.

865
00:38:39,234 --> 00:38:40,861
- I liked this.
- Me too.

866
00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:42,620
- What we did.
- Yeah?

867
00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:44,572
- You.
- And you.

868
00:38:48,785 --> 00:38:49,911
You're very pretty.

869
00:38:50,787 --> 00:38:52,289
Come on, Brick.

870
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:54,878
(PHONE RINGING)

871
00:38:55,250 --> 00:38:56,797
Damn it, Chani! I'm not
picking up that phone again.

872
00:38:56,876 --> 00:38:57,877
You pick it up!

873
00:38:58,711 --> 00:39:01,134
- You pick it up, Chani!
- No.

874
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:06,136
Chani, not today. No,
not today, Chani.

875
00:39:06,469 --> 00:39:09,598
- It's been a tough day.
- ...really crazy day.

876
00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:10,853
For everybody.

877
00:39:12,100 --> 00:39:14,444
- I think I'm pregnant.
- No. You're not pregnant.

878
00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:17,022
You said it a number of times.
I don't think it's true.

879
00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:22,611
- My water broke.
- No, it didn't.

880
00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:25,989
You spilled water
from that glass on the ground.

881
00:39:26,781 --> 00:39:28,249
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

882
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:30,326
Chani.

883
00:39:33,746 --> 00:39:36,124
Okay, from here on out,
starting now,

884
00:39:36,249 --> 00:39:38,627
when the phone rings, you pick
up the phone. You say hello.

885
00:39:38,877 --> 00:39:40,720
Hello.
I'm going to transfer you.

886
00:39:41,004 --> 00:39:43,974
It didn't ring that time,
Chani. Nobody was there.

887
00:39:44,841 --> 00:39:46,388
Nobody was there.

888
00:40:23,212 --> 00:40:25,385
Surprise! Big Daddy's back.

889
00:40:25,590 --> 00:40:26,762
Ron.

890
00:40:28,176 --> 00:40:29,598
What are you doing here?

891
00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:32,518
I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in the city again.

892
00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:35,104
I really wish that
you would have called first.

893
00:40:35,475 --> 00:40:37,898
Look, it doesn't matter whose
fault the break-up was, okay?

894
00:40:38,019 --> 00:40:39,521
I was stubborn.

895
00:40:39,604 --> 00:40:41,698
You were all slutty
with Mack Tannen

896
00:40:41,773 --> 00:40:43,775
slinging your ass around
in that office.

897
00:40:44,150 --> 00:40:46,778
I played it with calm,
cool integrity.

898
00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:49,580
But who cares?
We're not keeping score.

899
00:40:49,656 --> 00:40:50,999
What's your point, Ron?

900
00:40:51,407 --> 00:40:53,080
The point is...

901
00:40:53,493 --> 00:40:55,587
(SIGHS) I'm back home.

902
00:40:55,912 --> 00:40:57,835
And I want to spend
the rest of my life...

903
00:40:57,914 --> 00:40:59,131
MAN: Honey, who is it?

904
00:41:05,421 --> 00:41:08,095
Hi, Ron.
I'm Gary, Veronica's lover.

905
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:11,894
It's okay. It's the '80s.

906
00:41:12,053 --> 00:41:14,147
She's your ex. She's my lover.

907
00:41:14,389 --> 00:41:15,936
Let's go inside.

908
00:41:16,349 --> 00:41:17,692
Why are you smiling so much?

909
00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:20,979
Because I'm happy.
Because we're lovers.

910
00:41:21,396 --> 00:41:22,693
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

911
00:41:22,981 --> 00:41:23,982
No one's that happy.

912
00:41:24,524 --> 00:41:26,151
- Would you like to come in?
- Do you want to come in?

913
00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:29,408
Great. And I have no problem
with your situation.

914
00:41:39,580 --> 00:41:42,584
So, is that a gift for me, Ron?

915
00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:44,836
No, it's not.

916
00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,005
It's for Walter.

917
00:41:47,255 --> 00:41:48,347
Okay.

918
00:41:48,423 --> 00:41:50,425
So when were you going
to tell me about Gary?

919
00:41:50,675 --> 00:41:55,522
Ron. You walked out on me.
What did you expect me to do?

920
00:41:56,055 --> 00:41:57,602
Just sit here and
wait for you to come back?

921
00:41:57,724 --> 00:41:59,351
Here's a news flash. You would
have been waiting for

922
00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:00,936
the rest of your life
because we are done.

923
00:42:01,394 --> 00:42:02,862
All right. Good.

924
00:42:02,937 --> 00:42:05,611
In fact,
I've a got a new lover.

925
00:42:05,857 --> 00:42:07,234
Oh, what's her name?

926
00:42:07,692 --> 00:42:10,536
- Oh, oh, my lady?
- Mm-hmm.

927
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:14,791
Her name is, uh...
Her name's Rick Volcano.

928
00:42:15,575 --> 00:42:19,751
Really? Her name's Rick Volcano?

929
00:42:20,455 --> 00:42:22,298
Yes, she's from Easter Island!

930
00:42:22,415 --> 00:42:23,462
- Oh.
- Okay.

931
00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:26,590
Ron, this is awkward I know.

932
00:42:26,878 --> 00:42:29,927
Sitting here with your wife.
We make love.

933
00:42:30,298 --> 00:42:33,393
I'm this close to taking an ax
handle to that face of yours.

934
00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:34,765
Oh, Ron!

935
00:42:35,053 --> 00:42:36,805
So what does this Gary
do for a living, huh?

936
00:42:37,055 --> 00:42:38,648
Have you done
a background check on him?

937
00:42:38,723 --> 00:42:41,602
Gary is actually one
of the most successful

938
00:42:42,143 --> 00:42:43,486
psychologists in
all of Manhattan, Ron.

939
00:42:43,603 --> 00:42:44,650
Really sweet.

940
00:42:45,146 --> 00:42:46,648
Are you reading
my mind right now?

941
00:42:46,731 --> 00:42:49,575
Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?

942
00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:52,320
Yes. Yes, I do, Gary.

943
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:56,074
You perform in nightclubs
with a dummy on your lap.

944
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:59,335
You make his mouth move.
You're so believable.

945
00:42:59,452 --> 00:43:01,250
Actually I have
respect for your talent.

946
00:43:01,329 --> 00:43:02,501
I don't know how you do it

947
00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:04,002
because you're talking out
of the side of your mouth

948
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:05,170
and yet it sounds
like the dummy's...

949
00:43:05,291 --> 00:43:06,417
You bring that dummy to life.

950
00:43:06,501 --> 00:43:08,799
Do you really think that a
psychologist

951
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:10,922
is a ventriloquist?

952
00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:13,349
Fuck you.

953
00:43:14,467 --> 00:43:15,468
(GASPS) Ron!

954
00:43:15,843 --> 00:43:17,015
GARY: It's okay.
VERONICA: You stop that!

955
00:43:17,178 --> 00:43:18,521
He's externalizing.
That's okay.

956
00:43:18,596 --> 00:43:20,439
- No, it's not okay.
- He's mad.

957
00:43:20,807 --> 00:43:22,354
You knew I was going
to throw that punch

958
00:43:22,475 --> 00:43:24,193
'cause you're reading my mind!

959
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:25,269
(DOOR OPENS)

960
00:43:25,353 --> 00:43:27,276
Mom! I'm home!

961
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:28,777
- Hey, little guy.
- Hey, darling.

962
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:30,775
- Hi, Walter.
- Hey, Dad.

963
00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:33,035
I missed you!

964
00:43:33,194 --> 00:43:35,538
Walter, your father
has a gift for you.

965
00:43:35,822 --> 00:43:39,326
I have a gift
specifically for you, Walter.

966
00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:42,879
There's a little card on there.
Do you want to read it, kiddo?

967
00:43:43,037 --> 00:43:46,211
Yes. Show us how well you're
doing in school.

968
00:43:48,209 --> 00:43:50,883
"To my dearest sex angel."

969
00:43:51,045 --> 00:43:52,888
Okay, I actually believe that
that's for me.

970
00:43:53,005 --> 00:43:54,177
Hold on. Let the boy finish.

971
00:43:54,382 --> 00:43:55,884
- Ron.
- There's more.

972
00:43:56,008 --> 00:43:59,512
"I long once again to be
intertwined in your limbs.

973
00:44:00,179 --> 00:44:02,557
"Exchanging hot breath
with you.

974
00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:06,561
"I want to have
another child with you."

975
00:44:07,145 --> 00:44:10,365
Mom, I didn't know
little boys could have babies.

976
00:44:10,523 --> 00:44:14,573
No, darling. I believe that
letter was for someone else.

977
00:44:14,986 --> 00:44:15,987
Go ahead, open up your gift.

978
00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:18,030
There you go.

979
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:19,365
Yes, Gary.

980
00:44:24,579 --> 00:44:26,252
Okay, that's actually
for me, Walter.

981
00:44:26,539 --> 00:44:30,214
No, it's not. It's for Walter.
It's a superhero costume.

982
00:44:30,543 --> 00:44:31,760
What is it?

983
00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:34,593
It's "Lace Man."
It's a brand new superhero.

984
00:44:34,755 --> 00:44:36,928
I'm going to be Lace Man!

985
00:44:37,216 --> 00:44:38,934
Look, Ron.
Joint custody isn't easy.

986
00:44:39,010 --> 00:44:40,387
But what we need to do is

987
00:44:40,553 --> 00:44:43,102
rally around this little guy
right now, okay?

988
00:44:43,431 --> 00:44:44,774
That's never gonna happen.

989
00:44:45,057 --> 00:44:46,058
- Oh...
- Excuse me?

990
00:44:46,267 --> 00:44:48,440
RON: Because you, Veronica,
are unfit to be a mother!

991
00:44:48,728 --> 00:44:49,945
VERONICA: Need I remind you, Ron,

992
00:44:50,062 --> 00:44:53,191
that you tried to put
our six-year-old son on welfare?

993
00:44:53,274 --> 00:44:54,617
He's a perfect applicant!

994
00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:57,946
He's unemployed. If it wasn't
for us he'd be homeless.

995
00:44:58,446 --> 00:44:59,948
Do you ever hear yourself?

996
00:45:01,073 --> 00:45:02,450
All right, let's keep it civil
in front of the boy.

997
00:45:03,451 --> 00:45:06,045
It's bad enough his mother
pulled a train on KISS.

998
00:45:06,204 --> 00:45:09,083
- I was in college!
- Get your things! Let's go.

999
00:45:09,248 --> 00:45:10,215
Fine. I'm out of here.

1000
00:45:10,291 --> 00:45:11,793
- Don't have to tell me twice.
- Get your things.

1001
00:45:11,918 --> 00:45:14,387
- We'll see you guys later.
- Yes, you will.

1002
00:45:14,462 --> 00:45:16,965
Goodbye, Dad!
Thanks for the present.

1003
00:45:17,215 --> 00:45:19,593
Goodbye, Walter.
My little man.

1004
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,474
You promise to do good
in school, okay.

1005
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:23,721
Okay.

1006
00:45:23,804 --> 00:45:25,977
And stay away from the he-shes
down in the Bowery.

1007
00:45:26,224 --> 00:45:28,067
Ron. I don't think
that's appropriate.

1008
00:45:28,226 --> 00:45:30,820
I'll tell you, those fellas,
they got the looks,

1009
00:45:30,895 --> 00:45:33,318
they got curves,
they got the chi-chi's,

1010
00:45:33,481 --> 00:45:34,733
they smell great,

1011
00:45:34,899 --> 00:45:36,822
and then at some point
in the evening you realize

1012
00:45:36,943 --> 00:45:39,492
Jacqueline isn't Jacqueline,
she's a Jake.

1013
00:45:39,612 --> 00:45:40,659
Okay.

1014
00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:41,830
Then you got a decision.

1015
00:45:41,906 --> 00:45:44,500
You're either going to be rude
or belly up to the bar

1016
00:45:44,617 --> 00:45:47,336
for a couple of more belts
and make the best of it.

1017
00:45:47,453 --> 00:45:48,921
Do you hear what I'm saying,
Walter?

1018
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:50,332
Yes, I do.

1019
00:45:53,292 --> 00:45:55,511
FREDDIE: Plug it in, Scotty,
let it go.

1020
00:45:55,920 --> 00:45:57,263
Ladies and gentlemen,

1021
00:45:57,338 --> 00:46:00,467
we are officially connected
to the world!

1022
00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:03,260
Wow!

1023
00:46:06,347 --> 00:46:08,190
Look at all those other
countries and people...

1024
00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:11,861
Makes you feel small.

1025
00:46:12,353 --> 00:46:14,526
Hundreds of thousands
of people,

1026
00:46:14,814 --> 00:46:16,657
all speaking jibber-jabber,

1027
00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:18,609
not understanding a word of each other,

1028
00:46:18,859 --> 00:46:21,157
yet somehow interconnected.

1029
00:46:21,529 --> 00:46:23,531
It's a big world!

1030
00:46:24,365 --> 00:46:28,211
<i>It's a big world</i>

1031
00:46:29,412 --> 00:46:34,043
<i>Much, much bigger
than you'd ever think</i>

1032
00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:40,344
<i>It's a big world</i>

1033
00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:47,939
<i>Full of cities, mountains
and lots of different stinks</i>

1034
00:46:49,724 --> 00:46:50,976
<i>There's brown people
White people</i>

1035
00:46:51,142 --> 00:46:52,143
<i>- Yellows
- Even reds!</i>

1036
00:46:52,393 --> 00:46:54,566
<i>A thousand ways for
the word donut to be said</i>

1037
00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:57,565
<i>- There's tacos, sushi
- Chop suey, pita bread</i>

1038
00:46:57,857 --> 00:47:02,033
<i>Big world
Big world</i>

1039
00:47:02,403 --> 00:47:07,159
<i>Anyone who says it's small
should be kicked in the head!</i>

1040
00:47:10,703 --> 00:47:12,080
<i>There's karate people!</i>

1041
00:47:12,330 --> 00:47:13,331
<i>Big world!</i>

1042
00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:14,840
<i>Scarfy headed ladies</i>

1043
00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:15,958
<i>Big world</i>

1044
00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:17,718
<i>Ladies having private time</i>

1045
00:47:17,793 --> 00:47:18,794
<i>- Big world</i>
- (SCREAMS)

1046
00:47:18,919 --> 00:47:20,136
<i>A skinny guy!</i>

1047
00:47:20,212 --> 00:47:21,759
<i>Big world</i>

1048
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:26,098
Wait a minute.
You're not black or Asian.

1049
00:47:26,218 --> 00:47:27,561
What are you?

1050
00:47:27,720 --> 00:47:28,846
I'm gay.

1051
00:47:29,138 --> 00:47:30,640
Hey! You forgot to whisper.

1052
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:33,059
I'm not hiding it.
I'm openly gay.

1053
00:47:33,642 --> 00:47:37,818
"Openly gay"? I'm not familiar
with that term.

1054
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:39,865
I'm not ashamed
of who I am and

1055
00:47:40,191 --> 00:47:41,443
I decided to tell everyone.

1056
00:47:41,567 --> 00:47:44,320
I'm having a hard time wrapping
my head around this one.

1057
00:47:44,487 --> 00:47:46,160
Do you eat gay food?

1058
00:47:46,822 --> 00:47:48,665
What's the gayest food
you can name?

1059
00:47:49,617 --> 00:47:50,743
Kiwis.

1060
00:47:50,951 --> 00:47:54,171
- Do you sleep in a coffin?
- No, that's vampires.

1061
00:47:54,455 --> 00:47:56,457
Are you allowed to be
out in the sun?

1062
00:47:56,624 --> 00:47:59,548
- Those are also vampires.
- Are you a vampire?

1063
00:47:59,668 --> 00:48:00,669
No, I'm gay.

1064
00:48:01,128 --> 00:48:04,632
If someone puts a pill in your
drink, can they turn you gay?

1065
00:48:05,091 --> 00:48:06,434
Maybe temporarily.

1066
00:48:06,592 --> 00:48:08,435
Where do you get those pills?

1067
00:48:08,803 --> 00:48:12,524
I wonder what it'd be like to
be gay... Just for a day?

1068
00:48:13,391 --> 00:48:15,894
<i>If I was gay for a day</i>

1069
00:48:16,310 --> 00:48:18,028
<i>There's nothing
I wouldn't say</i>

1070
00:48:19,105 --> 00:48:20,948
<i>That's the gay way</i>

1071
00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:25,828
<i>If I was gay for a day
I'd go all the way</i>

1072
00:48:26,278 --> 00:48:27,530
<i>With guys</i>

1073
00:48:29,448 --> 00:48:30,870
<i>That's the gay way</i>

1074
00:48:31,242 --> 00:48:35,497
<i>I'd wear a cowboy hat
A nice three-piece suit</i>

1075
00:48:35,788 --> 00:48:39,463
<i>I'd talk about sports
and have a nice drink</i>

1076
00:48:40,668 --> 00:48:43,171
Champ. That's kind of
what you do now.

1077
00:48:44,547 --> 00:48:46,641
<i>That's the gay way</i>

1078
00:48:46,841 --> 00:48:51,347
<i>If I was gay for a day
I'd get bitten by a spider</i>

1079
00:48:51,887 --> 00:48:55,608
<i>And then I would have
the powers of that spider</i>

1080
00:48:55,975 --> 00:49:00,151
<i>I'd climb walls
I'd shoot web from my wrists</i>

1081
00:49:00,855 --> 00:49:05,406
<i>And I'd save
the girl in distress</i>

1082
00:49:05,860 --> 00:49:09,114
<i>Gay! Gay! Gay!</i>

1083
00:49:10,406 --> 00:49:12,704
I think he thinks
gay means being Spider-Man.

1084
00:49:12,825 --> 00:49:13,917
Hmm.

1085
00:49:14,243 --> 00:49:16,917
I don't know how you would
confuse those two things.

1086
00:49:17,371 --> 00:49:22,628
<i>It's a big world
Big world</i>

1087
00:49:23,169 --> 00:49:25,547
<i>Much bigger than you think</i>

1088
00:49:26,297 --> 00:49:30,723
<i>Big, big, big, big, big, big
big, big, big, big, big</i>

1089
00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:35,474
<i>Big, big...</i>

1090
00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:42,192
<i>World</i>

1091
00:49:48,194 --> 00:49:50,617
Launch in five! Let's get back to work.

1092
00:49:51,113 --> 00:49:53,992
- Better go check the AP wire.
- Yeah. Haven't got much time.

1093
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:55,577
CHAMP: I'm gonna check
the box scores.

1094
00:49:57,244 --> 00:49:59,588
(SIGHS) There's Lime!

1095
00:49:59,663 --> 00:50:02,507
Look at him.
He's a goddamn prince!

1096
00:50:03,334 --> 00:50:06,008
Man, there's just something
about him, you know?

1097
00:50:06,295 --> 00:50:08,297
I'd give anything
to be friends with him.

1098
00:50:08,672 --> 00:50:10,970
I don't see what
the big deal is, you know.

1099
00:50:11,258 --> 00:50:12,555
He's not that great.

1100
00:50:14,261 --> 00:50:15,513
What did you say?

1101
00:50:16,222 --> 00:50:17,565
What's that?

1102
00:50:17,765 --> 00:50:19,187
I heard you say something.

1103
00:50:19,266 --> 00:50:20,438
Oh.

1104
00:50:20,601 --> 00:50:22,945
Oh, what did I say?
Oh, nothing.

1105
00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:24,772
Oh, no.
I heard you say something.

1106
00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:26,524
He said you're not that great!

1107
00:50:26,607 --> 00:50:27,608
Brick!

1108
00:50:27,733 --> 00:50:29,280
Is that what you said
about me?

1109
00:50:29,610 --> 00:50:31,032
- He's coming over here.
- I know!

1110
00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:32,951
I'm gonna rip this guy
in half.

1111
00:50:33,781 --> 00:50:36,125
No, no, no! Just give me
a little piece of him.

1112
00:50:36,575 --> 00:50:38,498
Uh, Jack, look, it's just...

1113
00:50:41,038 --> 00:50:44,838
Here's the thing, the guys,
they just go gaga over you

1114
00:50:44,917 --> 00:50:49,798
and, uh, I don't know,
I felt jealous.

1115
00:50:50,172 --> 00:50:52,095
Yeah, tough guy.

1116
00:50:52,216 --> 00:50:54,310
You feeling tough today, huh?
Are you a big man?

1117
00:50:54,385 --> 00:50:56,103
Oh, I'm not a big man.

1118
00:50:56,512 --> 00:50:59,186
Look, I said some stupid stuff
and it'll never happen again.

1119
00:51:00,099 --> 00:51:01,601
Oh, my God,
are you going to cry?

1120
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:03,561
Huh?

1121
00:51:03,852 --> 00:51:04,853
You're going to cry.

1122
00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:08,031
He's going to cry. Everyone,
look at his face! Am I wrong?

1123
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:09,908
He's going to cry, isn't he?

1124
00:51:10,401 --> 00:51:11,948
No, I'm not about to cry.

1125
00:51:12,194 --> 00:51:15,414
Oh, come on, cry! Do it!
Do it, please do it! Cry.

1126
00:51:15,781 --> 00:51:18,079
- Are you going to cry, Ron?
- No!

1127
00:51:18,492 --> 00:51:21,462
(CHANTING)
Cry! Cry! Cry!

1128
00:51:22,830 --> 00:51:25,800
Man, oh, man, I'm so happy
he's not picking on me.

1129
00:51:26,166 --> 00:51:29,215
3, 2, 1, cry! 3, 2, 1, cry!

1130
00:51:31,422 --> 00:51:33,800
Shut up!
Just shut up!

1131
00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:37,307
Just shut your mouth...
Jack Lame!

1132
00:51:37,761 --> 00:51:38,762
Ooh.

1133
00:51:41,724 --> 00:51:45,103
Yeah, Mr. Butt Vagina has
got some fight in him.

1134
00:51:45,894 --> 00:51:48,647
This is bullying
and everyone knows it!

1135
00:51:49,064 --> 00:51:51,533
You just called him Jack Lame.
That's not nice.

1136
00:51:51,734 --> 00:51:53,452
He just called me Butt Vagina!

1137
00:51:54,528 --> 00:52:01,036
It's funny, aren't you the guy
who lost his job to his wife?

1138
00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:03,370
ALL: Ooh!

1139
00:52:03,746 --> 00:52:05,293
Shouldn't you be
doing her makeup?

1140
00:52:07,207 --> 00:52:08,800
(SCREAMING)

1141
00:52:10,502 --> 00:52:11,845
All right, guys,
that's enough.

1142
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:13,384
No, shut up, Freddie!

1143
00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:15,057
Let me handle this one.

1144
00:52:15,633 --> 00:52:17,601
- You listen to me.
- Yeah.

1145
00:52:18,344 --> 00:52:21,644
I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.

1146
00:52:22,306 --> 00:52:23,728
(ALL LAUGHING)

1147
00:52:23,932 --> 00:52:26,026
I'm sorry. I'm trying to
keep it together.

1148
00:52:26,101 --> 00:52:29,571
No, no, no. Don't do this.
You're on at 2:00 a.m.

1149
00:52:29,688 --> 00:52:31,065
Jack has prime time!

1150
00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:33,992
Maybe... No.
Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.

1151
00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:37,238
I'll take that bet.
What are the stakes?

1152
00:52:37,821 --> 00:52:40,620
If we lose,
I'll leave New York.

1153
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,494
And I'll never read the news again.

1154
00:52:43,827 --> 00:52:44,828
ALL: Ooh!

1155
00:52:45,204 --> 00:52:46,626
Stop going "Ooh."

1156
00:52:47,164 --> 00:52:50,168
And if by some snowball's
chance in hell

1157
00:52:50,292 --> 00:52:51,885
Mr. Mustache here

1158
00:52:52,127 --> 00:52:53,470
pulls a miracle
out of his ass?

1159
00:52:55,005 --> 00:52:59,351
You change your name
to Jack Lame! Legally.

1160
00:52:59,802 --> 00:53:03,306
(CHUCKLES) I like this!
You're on, Stretch.

1161
00:53:03,514 --> 00:53:05,016
Everyone heard him?

1162
00:53:05,099 --> 00:53:06,521
- Freddie, you heard him?
- Yeah. I heard him.

1163
00:53:07,434 --> 00:53:09,937
- This is on like Pong.
- RON: Okay. Good.

1164
00:53:12,106 --> 00:53:14,154
(CROWD WHOOPING)

1165
00:53:14,983 --> 00:53:17,202
Why? Why did you
make that bet, Ron?

1166
00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:19,697
We've got the graveyard shift!
We don't have a chance!

1167
00:53:19,988 --> 00:53:22,958
- Cry! Cry! Cry! Cry!
- Brick.

1168
00:53:23,242 --> 00:53:26,542
Everyone did it.
It's actually a mean thing.

1169
00:53:27,663 --> 00:53:31,088
Good day, everyone! Well, yeah,
I'm Kench Allenby.

1170
00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:35,138
But this 24-hour news station,
this is history.

1171
00:53:35,462 --> 00:53:38,306
This is like Columbus
discovering the New World.

1172
00:53:38,507 --> 00:53:40,350
In the case of Australia,
my motherland,

1173
00:53:40,426 --> 00:53:42,428
mad rapists and thieves

1174
00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:45,640
being dragged to some
devil island in chains.

1175
00:53:46,390 --> 00:53:47,687
Getting homesick.

1176
00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:50,193
But our captain on this
incredible voyage

1177
00:53:50,728 --> 00:53:54,107
is the best newsman in
America, Mr. Jack Lime!

1178
00:53:55,023 --> 00:53:56,991
Go get 'em, Jack!

1179
00:53:57,901 --> 00:54:00,450
- Didgeridoo!
- He's such an Aussie.

1180
00:54:00,529 --> 00:54:01,530
I love this guy.

1181
00:54:01,822 --> 00:54:04,792
You know this bloke here, he
is the best man I've ever met.

1182
00:54:05,200 --> 00:54:06,873
And you know,
as I've always said,

1183
00:54:06,952 --> 00:54:09,205
if Jack Lime doesn't like you,
well then, brother,

1184
00:54:09,329 --> 00:54:11,377
you're a real piece of shit.

1185
00:54:19,089 --> 00:54:21,217
Good luck to Jack Lime!

1186
00:54:21,884 --> 00:54:24,057
Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!

1187
00:54:24,595 --> 00:54:27,018
Thank you. And good luck
to Ron Burgundy, too.

1188
00:54:27,389 --> 00:54:28,732
Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

1189
00:54:29,016 --> 00:54:30,563
Getting nervous there,
<i>compadre?</i>

1190
00:54:31,769 --> 00:54:32,941
Let's do this.

1191
00:54:33,187 --> 00:54:35,360
Did you see him spin
on that desk? So great.

1192
00:54:35,856 --> 00:54:37,449
All right.
Quiet on the floor, please.

1193
00:54:37,691 --> 00:54:38,988
What a day.

1194
00:54:39,443 --> 00:54:42,242
I bit into the donut
and it was full of shit.

1195
00:54:42,571 --> 00:54:43,572
(SHUSHING)

1196
00:54:47,493 --> 00:54:48,745
All right.

1197
00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:50,454
All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.

1198
00:54:50,537 --> 00:54:52,164
In five, four,

1199
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:54,212
three, two...

1200
00:54:55,959 --> 00:54:58,633
JACK: Good day,
and welcome to GNN.

1201
00:54:58,962 --> 00:55:01,090
Thank you for joining us
on what we believe to be

1202
00:55:01,173 --> 00:55:02,800
a whole new era of news.

1203
00:55:03,008 --> 00:55:05,887
I'm Jack Lime, your guide
for this journey of events

1204
00:55:05,969 --> 00:55:07,266
we humbly call

1205
00:55:07,346 --> 00:55:08,643
24-hour news.

1206
00:55:08,722 --> 00:55:10,975
<i>Today's top story,
Mount St. Helens.</i>

1207
00:55:11,058 --> 00:55:13,902
Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.

1208
00:55:13,977 --> 00:55:17,356
Really? Just remember you said that
about margarine, Tony.

1209
00:55:17,856 --> 00:55:19,199
<i>Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...</i>

1210
00:55:19,358 --> 00:55:21,076
That Jack Lime is
one hell of an anchor.

1211
00:55:22,361 --> 00:55:26,787
He actually slept with two of
my daughters but he is good.

1212
00:55:28,116 --> 00:55:29,288
Let's see here.

1213
00:55:29,368 --> 00:55:30,836
"Global temperatures
rise half a degree,

1214
00:55:30,911 --> 00:55:33,130
"alarm climate scientists."
Boring.

1215
00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:34,877
"China could dominate

1216
00:55:34,957 --> 00:55:36,459
"the world economy
in the next decade."

1217
00:55:37,251 --> 00:55:40,095
We run that story and you'll
be hungry a half hour later.

1218
00:55:40,170 --> 00:55:41,387
(CHUCKLES)

1219
00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:42,715
Anyone else?

1220
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:45,889
I got some nonsense here about
the Iran Hostage Crisis.

1221
00:55:47,052 --> 00:55:48,053
I feel like a nap.

1222
00:55:48,387 --> 00:55:52,517
What's this? Save 12 cents on
macaroni and cheddar dinner.

1223
00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:53,600
(GROANS)

1224
00:55:53,851 --> 00:55:54,852
Brick, I believe
that's a coupon.

1225
00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:58,197
I think I've got a really good
story here, guys.

1226
00:55:59,022 --> 00:56:00,569
"During my mid-morning bath

1227
00:56:00,649 --> 00:56:03,198
"I could feel the gardener's
gaze upon me

1228
00:56:03,277 --> 00:56:05,120
"through the open
bathroom window."

1229
00:56:05,195 --> 00:56:06,742
But that's <i>Penthouse</i> Forum.

1230
00:56:06,989 --> 00:56:07,990
You just interrupted him!

1231
00:56:08,115 --> 00:56:09,708
It's a really
good story, Freddie.

1232
00:56:09,950 --> 00:56:10,951
It's not news.

1233
00:56:11,118 --> 00:56:12,461
ALL: It's news to me.

1234
00:56:12,703 --> 00:56:15,252
Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.

1235
00:56:16,081 --> 00:56:19,005
All we're trying to do here, Freddie,
is make the news less boring,

1236
00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:21,553
and you act like we took
a runny dump

1237
00:56:21,628 --> 00:56:23,175
in your fishing boots.

1238
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:25,886
The news is supposed
to be boring, Ron!

1239
00:56:26,008 --> 00:56:27,555
This is serious stuff.

1240
00:56:27,926 --> 00:56:30,099
You're the one that made
this stupid bet!

1241
00:56:30,220 --> 00:56:33,565
I just don't know why
we have to tell the people

1242
00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:35,358
what they need to hear.

1243
00:56:36,018 --> 00:56:38,112
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?

1244
00:56:39,563 --> 00:56:41,236
Wait, wait, wait.

1245
00:56:42,566 --> 00:56:43,909
Say that again.

1246
00:56:44,109 --> 00:56:46,532
Tell them want ear.
Feed to ear.

1247
00:56:47,070 --> 00:56:48,993
No, I was talking to Ron.

1248
00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:52,368
I said, why do we have
to tell the people

1249
00:56:52,451 --> 00:56:54,249
what they need to hear?

1250
00:56:55,037 --> 00:56:57,210
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?

1251
00:56:57,497 --> 00:56:59,340
And what do
they want to hear, Ron?

1252
00:56:59,499 --> 00:57:02,503
That we live in the greatest
country God ever created.

1253
00:57:02,836 --> 00:57:05,430
- Damn straight!
- Made him happy.

1254
00:57:05,756 --> 00:57:07,804
And we should
do stories on patriots.

1255
00:57:08,216 --> 00:57:11,140
Diet fads or
favorite Halloween costumes.

1256
00:57:11,595 --> 00:57:14,269
Why blondes have more fun.

1257
00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:16,313
And serious
investigative pieces,

1258
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:18,936
about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.

1259
00:57:19,061 --> 00:57:21,063
And only the
best sports highlights.

1260
00:57:21,480 --> 00:57:24,825
Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.

1261
00:57:25,108 --> 00:57:26,280
I like the wind!

1262
00:57:26,485 --> 00:57:28,487
Brick's right.
People love hurricanes.

1263
00:57:28,570 --> 00:57:30,038
Tornados, earthquakes, floods,

1264
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:31,953
we'll throw Brick
right in the middle of it.

1265
00:57:32,157 --> 00:57:34,956
No, this goes
against every rule

1266
00:57:35,035 --> 00:57:37,458
of broadcast journalism
I know.

1267
00:57:38,038 --> 00:57:41,508
Freddie, my old friend
Pat Summerall once told me,

1268
00:57:41,625 --> 00:57:43,093
"You've got to break a
few eggs

1269
00:57:43,168 --> 00:57:44,841
"when you're swinging a
sledge hammer

1270
00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:46,172
"down at the bus station."

1271
00:57:46,338 --> 00:57:48,432
Damn straight!
Let's break stuff!

1272
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:51,097
We got 10 hours till we go on.

1273
00:57:51,176 --> 00:57:52,428
We'll only need eight!

1274
00:58:28,380 --> 00:58:30,724
- Is that candy?
- I don't know.

1275
00:58:35,178 --> 00:58:36,680
(COUGHS)

1276
00:58:37,222 --> 00:58:38,223
It is candy.

1277
00:58:39,349 --> 00:58:41,693
- I like you.
- I like you.

1278
00:58:42,477 --> 00:58:44,150
Tell me something about you.

1279
00:58:44,396 --> 00:58:45,943
Well, I never have to
get a haircut

1280
00:58:46,106 --> 00:58:47,483
because my hair
naturally sheds.

1281
00:58:47,983 --> 00:58:50,702
I can throw a football
110 yards in the air

1282
00:58:51,111 --> 00:58:52,363
and catch it.

1283
00:58:52,863 --> 00:58:55,161
When I expel gas
it wiffles or waffles,

1284
00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:56,617
I call it a farg.

1285
00:58:57,117 --> 00:58:58,118
What about you?

1286
00:58:58,285 --> 00:59:00,128
My name is Chani Lastnamé.

1287
00:59:00,787 --> 00:59:03,165
I'm an old-fashioned girl,
I believe in romance.

1288
00:59:03,498 --> 00:59:05,250
I am related to a puppet.

1289
00:59:05,751 --> 00:59:08,004
If you wanted me to, I would
grow a beard by tomorrow.

1290
00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:12,386
Chani, I just got these phone
messages from last week.

1291
00:59:12,549 --> 00:59:13,801
You mailed them to me?

1292
00:59:14,134 --> 00:59:16,136
How else was
I gonna get them to you?

1293
00:59:16,344 --> 00:59:18,096
You hand them to me.

1294
00:59:18,180 --> 00:59:19,227
Oh.

1295
00:59:19,389 --> 00:59:21,812
You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,

1296
00:59:21,933 --> 00:59:23,981
and that is not
an exaggeration.

1297
00:59:24,227 --> 00:59:25,319
That makes me feel bad.

1298
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:27,693
- Well, Chani, I'm telling the truth.
- (GROWLING)

1299
00:59:30,150 --> 00:59:31,151
Sir.

1300
00:59:31,318 --> 00:59:34,037
Get your filthy hands
off of her!

1301
00:59:34,237 --> 00:59:35,363
- (SCREAMS)
- Help, help!

1302
00:59:36,031 --> 00:59:37,578
My phone messages!

1303
00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:40,665
- Leave me alone, lady!
- Not today!

1304
00:59:41,828 --> 00:59:45,753
She has rainbow lasers
coming out of her eyes.

1305
00:59:46,166 --> 00:59:49,090
Chani, I can see you behind
that desk and you're fired!

1306
00:59:49,711 --> 00:59:50,883
Why?

1307
00:59:51,129 --> 00:59:52,597
(HISSES)

1308
00:59:59,846 --> 01:00:01,268
Are you okay?

1309
01:00:02,599 --> 01:00:03,942
You saved my life.

1310
01:00:04,059 --> 01:00:05,231
She was trying
to murder me.

1311
01:00:05,894 --> 01:00:10,240
Sometimes it takes one man to
stand up and reclaim the city

1312
01:00:10,941 --> 01:00:13,865
and, in doing so, the streets
are red with blood.

1313
01:00:14,194 --> 01:00:18,290
When you're around I get
hot swirls in my pantyhose.

1314
01:00:18,573 --> 01:00:20,701
And my dangle-down presses
against my zipper.

1315
01:00:22,536 --> 01:00:24,709
(BOTH HUM)

1316
01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:28,083
Can we go to a date?

1317
01:00:28,166 --> 01:00:30,043
(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.

1318
01:00:32,212 --> 01:00:34,055
(BOTH WHIMPER)

1319
01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:43,440
It's okay, Ronny,
you got this. Piece of cake.

1320
01:00:45,100 --> 01:00:48,650
The only thing is everything's
at stake here.

1321
01:00:49,020 --> 01:00:52,149
Your career, your child,
literally everything.

1322
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:53,817
You got it though.

1323
01:00:54,276 --> 01:00:55,277
(CLEARS THROAT)

1324
01:00:55,902 --> 01:00:56,949
Oh, did you hear?

1325
01:00:57,028 --> 01:00:59,247
Evan said there's some
strange copy in the prompter.

1326
01:00:59,489 --> 01:01:01,287
If I gave a shit I'd call
someone. But I don't...

1327
01:01:01,366 --> 01:01:02,367
So let's go.

1328
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:04,661
NARRATOR: <i>Ron Burgundy</i>
<i>and his news team</i>

1329
01:01:04,870 --> 01:01:07,589
<i>had made a few groundbreaking
discoveries through the years.</i>

1330
01:01:07,747 --> 01:01:09,624
<i>They had invented the bread bowl</i>

1331
01:01:09,708 --> 01:01:11,585
<i>and laminated porn mags.</i>

1332
01:01:11,668 --> 01:01:13,716
<i>But the new brand of news,
or info-tainment,</i>

1333
01:01:13,837 --> 01:01:15,305
<i>they were about to unleash,</i>

1334
01:01:15,505 --> 01:01:17,599
<i>would forever change history.</i>

1335
01:01:17,757 --> 01:01:20,761
Hello, America. It's 2:00 a.m.
Eastern time.

1336
01:01:21,011 --> 01:01:24,686
I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is

1337
01:01:24,973 --> 01:01:28,443
America. She's the greatest
country in the world.

1338
01:01:28,643 --> 01:01:30,395
<i>Heck,
the history of the world!</i>

1339
01:01:30,604 --> 01:01:32,197
God bless America!

1340
01:01:33,440 --> 01:01:34,942
<i>For starters, we kick butt.</i>

1341
01:01:35,358 --> 01:01:38,737
Nazi butt. Russian butt.
You show us a butt

1342
01:01:38,862 --> 01:01:40,330
and we take the boot to it.

1343
01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:42,533
If you like to whine and bitch
about all the things

1344
01:01:42,616 --> 01:01:43,617
wrong with America,

1345
01:01:43,700 --> 01:01:46,374
go swim your ass across
the Atlantic Ocean to China!

1346
01:01:47,204 --> 01:01:48,501
That is one handsome devil.

1347
01:01:48,997 --> 01:01:50,089
Indeed.

1348
01:01:50,207 --> 01:01:52,835
Some experts say silicone
breast implants are dangerous,

1349
01:01:53,001 --> 01:01:54,969
<i>unhealthy and degrading
to women,</i>

1350
01:01:55,128 --> 01:01:57,802
<i>I say, in my most
journalistic way I can,</i>

1351
01:01:58,006 --> 01:01:59,929
<i>bring on the fun bags.</i>

1352
01:02:00,967 --> 01:02:03,015
Now, Brian, I read somewhere

1353
01:02:03,094 --> 01:02:05,313
that the early prototypes
of the breast implant

1354
01:02:05,430 --> 01:02:07,228
were actually filled with
taco meat.

1355
01:02:07,390 --> 01:02:09,813
Well, I don't know,
I don't know the specifics

1356
01:02:09,893 --> 01:02:11,566
but I do know they
are still testing

1357
01:02:11,645 --> 01:02:13,864
with all sorts of material.

1358
01:02:14,189 --> 01:02:17,068
Pudding, whipped cream...

1359
01:02:17,817 --> 01:02:18,818
Tuna fish.

1360
01:02:18,902 --> 01:02:19,903
<i>Nickels.</i>

1361
01:02:19,986 --> 01:02:21,329
<i>Okay, if you wanted
a heavier breast.</i>

1362
01:02:22,405 --> 01:02:23,873
I like the news!

1363
01:02:24,074 --> 01:02:25,417
Whammy! Whammy!

1364
01:02:25,575 --> 01:02:27,248
Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!

1365
01:02:27,369 --> 01:02:29,212
(REPEATING) Whammy!

1366
01:02:35,043 --> 01:02:36,044
<i>Whammy!</i>

1367
01:02:36,169 --> 01:02:37,261
Back to you, Ron.

1368
01:02:37,337 --> 01:02:39,510
Brick? Brick, can you hear me?

1369
01:02:39,839 --> 01:02:41,341
I can't hear you, Ron!

1370
01:02:41,758 --> 01:02:43,806
Okay, but you're answering
the question,

1371
01:02:43,927 --> 01:02:45,224
so I think you can hear me.

1372
01:02:45,512 --> 01:02:46,604
No, I can!

1373
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:48,523
Brick, do you think
there is any danger

1374
01:02:48,640 --> 01:02:49,983
to the average person
out there?

1375
01:02:50,308 --> 01:02:52,561
<i>I'm afraid that this wind
is so strong</i>

1376
01:02:52,686 --> 01:02:54,313
that babies are going to be

1377
01:02:54,396 --> 01:02:55,864
ripped out of
their mother's arms

1378
01:02:55,939 --> 01:02:58,192
and be into the lion cages.

1379
01:02:58,775 --> 01:03:01,403
Sounds horrifying!
Well, there you have it.

1380
01:03:02,112 --> 01:03:05,366
Mother Nature can be
a stone cold killer!

1381
01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:06,616
What the hell was that?

1382
01:03:06,700 --> 01:03:08,202
Freddie loaded it.
I just hit it on cue.

1383
01:03:08,660 --> 01:03:09,661
It's kinda cool.

1384
01:03:10,078 --> 01:03:13,423
And for our eighth and final
animal story of the night,

1385
01:03:13,665 --> 01:03:16,293
it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,

1386
01:03:16,376 --> 01:03:17,753
have found
the cutest little patriot

1387
01:03:18,086 --> 01:03:20,009
<i>on God's green earth.</i>

1388
01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:21,590
(RON LAUGHING)

1389
01:03:23,591 --> 01:03:25,013
Look at that little guy!

1390
01:03:25,302 --> 01:03:27,976
So funny and so adorable.

1391
01:03:28,471 --> 01:03:31,600
Well, for all of us here
at GNN, I'm Ron Burgundy.

1392
01:03:32,017 --> 01:03:33,018
Stay classy

1393
01:03:33,351 --> 01:03:35,900
and stay strong, America.

1394
01:03:38,690 --> 01:03:40,033
FREDDIE: And we're out!

1395
01:03:40,150 --> 01:03:41,493
Wow! (LAUGHS)

1396
01:03:42,610 --> 01:03:44,032
I couldn't take my eyes

1397
01:03:44,195 --> 01:03:45,868
- off the screen!
- Yes.

1398
01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:48,204
You were electric, Ron!
Whammy!

1399
01:03:48,450 --> 01:03:50,123
That just felt right!
That felt right!

1400
01:03:50,368 --> 01:03:51,460
I was outside!

1401
01:03:51,703 --> 01:03:53,296
You sure were, Brick.
Wonderful job.

1402
01:03:53,371 --> 01:03:55,965
Everyone did.
Wonderful.

1403
01:03:57,250 --> 01:03:58,752
BRIAN: Amazing. Great job.

1404
01:03:58,835 --> 01:04:02,760
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?

1405
01:04:03,173 --> 01:04:04,390
Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy, Linda.

1406
01:04:04,466 --> 01:04:05,683
We were just
trying something new.

1407
01:04:05,925 --> 01:04:07,643
You changed the format
of the entire show

1408
01:04:07,719 --> 01:04:09,346
without consulting me?
That's unacceptable!

1409
01:04:09,596 --> 01:04:10,688
Damn straight, sister.

1410
01:04:10,764 --> 01:04:12,437
We just done went
and brought it!

1411
01:04:12,515 --> 01:04:15,109
Get out! You are all
terminated immediately.

1412
01:04:15,769 --> 01:04:17,612
If you were a man,
I'd knock you out.

1413
01:04:17,687 --> 01:04:20,065
Oh. Oh, really?
Well, go ahead!

1414
01:04:20,190 --> 01:04:22,192
Take a swing!
Take your best shot!

1415
01:04:22,359 --> 01:04:24,157
Huh?
I have five brothers,

1416
01:04:24,235 --> 01:04:26,237
and two of them are defensive
backs in NFL, so come on!

1417
01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:28,038
- You want me to do it?
- Yeah.

1418
01:04:28,365 --> 01:04:29,617
This thing's
not gonna feel good.

1419
01:04:29,949 --> 01:04:31,917
I'm going to make that
mustache of yours all bloody!

1420
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:34,379
Ron, just do what men have
been doing

1421
01:04:34,454 --> 01:04:35,706
for thousands of years

1422
01:04:36,122 --> 01:04:37,624
and punch the woman.

1423
01:04:37,707 --> 01:04:40,426
Here comes the Toledo Express.
All aboard!

1424
01:04:41,461 --> 01:04:43,088
(GRUNTING)

1425
01:04:44,339 --> 01:04:45,841
Ron! No!

1426
01:04:46,383 --> 01:04:47,885
(GRUNTING)

1427
01:04:48,385 --> 01:04:50,513
I didn't do it! Get off me!

1428
01:04:50,804 --> 01:04:52,306
(SQUEALING)

1429
01:04:53,056 --> 01:04:55,730
Mama, your baby's hurt.

1430
01:04:56,226 --> 01:04:57,728
Your baby.

1431
01:04:57,811 --> 01:04:59,063
(HIGH-PITCHED WHIMPERING)

1432
01:04:59,145 --> 01:05:01,898
What is that sound you're making?
Good Lord!

1433
01:05:02,065 --> 01:05:03,487
(CONTINUES WHIMPERING)

1434
01:05:03,566 --> 01:05:05,409
BRIAN: You sound like a balloon.

1435
01:05:05,735 --> 01:05:07,078
Pull yourself together, man.

1436
01:05:07,278 --> 01:05:10,498
My binky. I need my binky.

1437
01:05:10,698 --> 01:05:12,621
Get him his goddamn binky!

1438
01:05:13,034 --> 01:05:14,377
Security!

1439
01:05:14,619 --> 01:05:16,542
Hey! Get him out of here!

1440
01:05:16,996 --> 01:05:18,839
And you know what, you too, Freddie!

1441
01:05:18,915 --> 01:05:20,212
I thought you were more
professional than this.

1442
01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:21,292
Is this because I'm white?

1443
01:05:21,668 --> 01:05:23,762
It's not because you're white,
it's because you suck!

1444
01:05:23,878 --> 01:05:25,846
I know exactly what apartheid
feels like!

1445
01:05:25,922 --> 01:05:27,469
(YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

1446
01:05:28,967 --> 01:05:30,969
KENCH: <i>Bugger me</i>
<i>with a didgeridoo.</i>

1447
01:05:31,219 --> 01:05:32,641
We knew we'd struggle to start,

1448
01:05:32,720 --> 01:05:35,223
but these ratings are lower
than I'd even imagined.

1449
01:05:35,473 --> 01:05:37,100
AD SALES GUY: Thank God
for the 2:00 a.m. spike.

1450
01:05:37,183 --> 01:05:39,060
It really saved
our whole launch.

1451
01:05:39,394 --> 01:05:41,567
Spike?
What are you talking about?

1452
01:05:41,938 --> 01:05:43,030
What spike?

1453
01:05:43,314 --> 01:05:45,442
Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?

1454
01:05:46,151 --> 01:05:48,279
No, no, no,
this can't be right.

1455
01:05:48,736 --> 01:05:52,491
His team start at a 0.2,
and then they finish at a 5.6?

1456
01:05:53,491 --> 01:05:56,495
That's unbelievable! They
tripled Jack Lime's numbers!

1457
01:05:56,744 --> 01:05:58,246
How is that even possible?

1458
01:05:58,580 --> 01:06:01,174
Well, guys,
it goes without saying,

1459
01:06:01,249 --> 01:06:03,672
I owe you gentlemen
an apology.

1460
01:06:04,127 --> 01:06:06,129
I dragged you out here
and this thing

1461
01:06:06,212 --> 01:06:08,806
was a disaster
from the word "Go."

1462
01:06:09,048 --> 01:06:11,392
No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up.

1463
01:06:11,634 --> 01:06:13,227
Yeah, it's all right, Ron.

1464
01:06:13,386 --> 01:06:14,558
Gin.

1465
01:06:17,056 --> 01:06:19,605
Champ, my friend,
what's in store for you?

1466
01:06:19,726 --> 01:06:22,821
Well, my doctor's been at me
to get another liver transplant.

1467
01:06:23,062 --> 01:06:24,860
Champ,
how many liver transplants

1468
01:06:24,939 --> 01:06:26,441
does that make now?

1469
01:06:26,524 --> 01:06:27,992
This will be the fourth one.

1470
01:06:28,067 --> 01:06:31,071
Champ deep fried the other three
and served them at his restaurant.

1471
01:06:31,237 --> 01:06:32,910
You know I did.
(LAUGHING)

1472
01:06:32,989 --> 01:06:34,582
And what about you, Brick?

1473
01:06:34,657 --> 01:06:37,627
What's next for the great
Brick Tamland?

1474
01:06:37,702 --> 01:06:39,579
I am going to win the Olympics.

1475
01:06:39,704 --> 01:06:42,583
Well, I highly doubt you're going
to compete in the Olympics.

1476
01:06:42,665 --> 01:06:43,962
If you were though, what sport?

1477
01:06:44,167 --> 01:06:45,510
The kicking.

1478
01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:48,509
The Olympic sport of kicking?

1479
01:06:50,465 --> 01:06:51,967
Maybe that's brand new.

1480
01:06:52,425 --> 01:06:55,269
What about you, Ron? What do
you think you're going to do?

1481
01:06:55,345 --> 01:06:56,892
I've got some exciting
investment opportunities

1482
01:06:56,971 --> 01:06:58,314
I'm going to look into.

1483
01:06:58,723 --> 01:07:00,976
It's funny, I got a call the
other day from some clowns

1484
01:07:01,059 --> 01:07:02,185
who are trying
to start up a business

1485
01:07:02,268 --> 01:07:04,862
where they take water and put
it in little plastic bottles,

1486
01:07:04,938 --> 01:07:07,316
regular water, okay,
nothing special about it.

1487
01:07:07,565 --> 01:07:08,908
They put it in plastic bottles

1488
01:07:08,983 --> 01:07:10,155
and they're going to sell it
for a dollar.

1489
01:07:10,235 --> 01:07:11,236
A dollar a bottle.

1490
01:07:11,361 --> 01:07:13,739
If you get a call
from Fred and Gina Sparkletts,

1491
01:07:14,197 --> 01:07:15,790
run for the hills.

1492
01:07:17,450 --> 01:07:19,043
(BARKING)

1493
01:07:20,787 --> 01:07:21,834
Uh...

1494
01:07:21,913 --> 01:07:23,085
Guys?

1495
01:07:23,915 --> 01:07:24,916
Hey.

1496
01:07:25,750 --> 01:07:27,593
I got some news.

1497
01:07:27,835 --> 01:07:29,337
Freddie, we don't
exactly want to hear

1498
01:07:29,420 --> 01:07:31,764
- the word "news" right now.
- Yeah.

1499
01:07:32,090 --> 01:07:35,435
You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.

1500
01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:39,105
Forget that GNN wants you back.

1501
01:07:39,597 --> 01:07:43,773
For a prime time slot
and a raise in pay.

1502
01:07:44,102 --> 01:07:47,857
What's your deal, Freddie?
Quit yanking our crotch hoses.

1503
01:07:48,439 --> 01:07:50,282
No. I'm not yanking your...

1504
01:07:52,110 --> 01:07:54,613
Your ratings went through the roof.

1505
01:07:54,946 --> 01:07:57,790
People love what you did.

1506
01:07:58,116 --> 01:08:00,084
You're a success!

1507
01:08:00,285 --> 01:08:05,132
Get it? You're a great,
big, fat success!

1508
01:08:05,665 --> 01:08:08,168
By the back acne of Brett Somers!

1509
01:08:08,251 --> 01:08:09,343
It's total crap

1510
01:08:09,419 --> 01:08:11,717
- and they can't stop watching!
- (ALL CHEERING)

1511
01:08:11,796 --> 01:08:14,299
NARRATOR: <i>The news team</i>
<i>had been famous in San Diego,</i>

1512
01:08:14,424 --> 01:08:17,519
<i>but that was small time
compared to New York.</i>

1513
01:08:18,011 --> 01:08:20,935
<i>And they were about to have
a sloppy, drunken ride</i>

1514
01:08:21,055 --> 01:08:24,980
<i>down the gin-slickered
waterslide that is fame.</i>

1515
01:08:25,226 --> 01:08:27,024
That'll do it
for all of us here at GNN.

1516
01:08:27,103 --> 01:08:30,448
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.

1517
01:08:30,982 --> 01:08:32,484
I'm Jack...

1518
01:08:35,320 --> 01:08:36,492
Lame.

1519
01:08:40,450 --> 01:08:42,418
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

1520
01:08:42,493 --> 01:08:43,710
More graphics, okay?

1521
01:08:43,786 --> 01:08:45,663
Brick loves the colors.

1522
01:08:45,747 --> 01:08:47,124
But there's already a lot.

1523
01:08:47,206 --> 01:08:49,459
Hey, you heard the man.
More graphics.

1524
01:08:49,542 --> 01:08:51,169
Yeah, don't sass me, beardo!

1525
01:08:51,502 --> 01:08:54,005
Finish and ask a question here,
for God's sake!

1526
01:08:54,088 --> 01:08:57,558
Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for just half a second?

1527
01:08:57,842 --> 01:08:59,765
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

1528
01:09:28,122 --> 01:09:30,420
There's something new
on the New York social scene.

1529
01:09:30,541 --> 01:09:33,420
It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much

1530
01:09:33,544 --> 01:09:35,592
as a soda pop
at the local drugstore.

1531
01:09:35,713 --> 01:09:39,343
Here's Brian Fantana on why
everyone who is someone

1532
01:09:39,425 --> 01:09:41,427
is lining up to smoke crack.

1533
01:09:41,928 --> 01:09:44,181
Now, Brian, I understand
we have some crack

1534
01:09:44,263 --> 01:09:45,936
and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.

1535
01:09:46,057 --> 01:09:47,809
I don't know
if we can get a shot of that.

1536
01:09:47,934 --> 01:09:50,107
What is that? Did you know
they were going to have that?

1537
01:09:50,269 --> 01:09:51,270
- No.
- BRIAN: <i>Get in here, Champ.</i>

1538
01:09:51,396 --> 01:09:52,943
I'll tell you, I love cocaine

1539
01:09:53,064 --> 01:09:54,816
so if this is anything like that...

1540
01:09:54,941 --> 01:09:57,035
Oh, then you're going
to love crack!

1541
01:09:57,110 --> 01:09:58,327
Now what are we doing here?

1542
01:09:58,569 --> 01:10:00,196
We're going to take
some of these rocks...

1543
01:10:00,279 --> 01:10:01,280
Okay.

1544
01:10:01,406 --> 01:10:02,828
Now what you're going to do is
you're going to put

1545
01:10:02,949 --> 01:10:04,997
your crack rock
in the glass pipe.

1546
01:10:05,118 --> 01:10:07,962
I'll pack it in there.
Brick, do you want any crack?

1547
01:10:08,079 --> 01:10:11,629
(LAUGHS)
Sorry, I'm afraid of fire.

1548
01:10:11,791 --> 01:10:12,838
Now what am I doing here?

1549
01:10:12,959 --> 01:10:13,960
Stuff that rock in your pipe

1550
01:10:14,085 --> 01:10:15,928
and then you're going
to want to point your pipe up

1551
01:10:16,003 --> 01:10:17,801
towards the heavens
as if you're saying,

1552
01:10:17,922 --> 01:10:19,549
"Thank you, God,
for giving me this crack."

1553
01:10:19,674 --> 01:10:20,800
Okay.

1554
01:10:23,094 --> 01:10:24,892
Whoa! Whoa!

1555
01:10:26,097 --> 01:10:28,600
You feel that right away.
Wow, that's good!

1556
01:10:28,683 --> 01:10:31,527
That's an immediate state of euphoria.

1557
01:10:31,769 --> 01:10:34,318
You'll be surprised,
the effect, it happens very q...

1558
01:10:34,439 --> 01:10:35,486
Oh!

1559
01:10:35,815 --> 01:10:38,910
You just want more and more
and more and more and more.

1560
01:10:39,193 --> 01:10:41,366
Brian, hey listen, my mom's
got this diamond necklace

1561
01:10:41,487 --> 01:10:43,205
and I'll sell it to you
if I can get some more.

1562
01:10:43,322 --> 01:10:45,040
They're actually enjoying it.

1563
01:10:45,366 --> 01:10:47,368
Of course they're enjoying it.
It's crack.

1564
01:10:47,535 --> 01:10:49,833
RON: What's that? Stop!

1565
01:10:49,996 --> 01:10:51,873
Oh, apparently the police are here.

1566
01:10:51,998 --> 01:10:53,671
The police are here? Really?

1567
01:10:53,791 --> 01:10:58,012
For Ron Burgundy and
my whole crack news team...

1568
01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:00,298
(LAUGHING)

1569
01:11:01,132 --> 01:11:02,554
I just made that up.

1570
01:11:02,675 --> 01:11:04,473
That was a good one, Ron.
That's actually a very good one.

1571
01:11:04,552 --> 01:11:05,553
You should write that down.
Is that written?

1572
01:11:05,678 --> 01:11:06,804
Well, we got it recorded now.
That's great!

1573
01:11:07,013 --> 01:11:08,515
(SIRENS BLARING)

1574
01:11:09,474 --> 01:11:13,195
RON: Well, now we know, guys,
you can't smoke crack on live television.

1575
01:11:13,519 --> 01:11:15,021
(CROWD CHEERING)

1576
01:11:24,238 --> 01:11:25,706
(CLEARS THROAT)

1577
01:11:25,823 --> 01:11:27,541
Please come in
and shut the door.

1578
01:11:32,747 --> 01:11:34,420
If this is about sweeps, um,

1579
01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:37,506
I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.

1580
01:11:37,585 --> 01:11:39,553
It's about airplane parts

1581
01:11:39,712 --> 01:11:42,886
that are falling off of
airplanes out of the sky

1582
01:11:43,174 --> 01:11:44,551
and hitting the ground,
people.

1583
01:11:44,675 --> 01:11:46,143
We're calling it
"Death From Above."

1584
01:11:46,219 --> 01:11:49,473
We might do some interviews
with airline stewardesses,

1585
01:11:49,555 --> 01:11:52,559
in bikinis, to get
their viewpoint.

1586
01:11:52,725 --> 01:11:54,443
You. Come here.

1587
01:11:59,607 --> 01:12:01,280
I've been watching you.

1588
01:12:01,776 --> 01:12:02,948
You have?

1589
01:12:03,069 --> 01:12:04,537
(CHUCKLES)

1590
01:12:04,612 --> 01:12:06,614
I've been watching you a lot.

1591
01:12:07,281 --> 01:12:08,954
And you just do whatever you want.

1592
01:12:09,075 --> 01:12:12,124
(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm a bit
of a maverick, I guess.

1593
01:12:12,453 --> 01:12:13,955
You don't follow the format.

1594
01:12:14,080 --> 01:12:16,424
You pretty much walk around like...

1595
01:12:17,625 --> 01:12:18,751
Like you're king of the world.

1596
01:12:19,252 --> 01:12:22,096
I'm just a worker bee.
That's all I am.

1597
01:12:22,463 --> 01:12:24,306
- You know what?
- What?

1598
01:12:24,549 --> 01:12:25,596
Oh!

1599
01:12:29,262 --> 01:12:30,980
I find it hot as shit!

1600
01:12:31,264 --> 01:12:32,265
Are you going to hurt me?

1601
01:12:32,431 --> 01:12:34,900
Well, it depends.
Is that what you like?

1602
01:12:35,268 --> 01:12:37,236
God, no.
Who wants to be injured?

1603
01:12:38,437 --> 01:12:41,281
Have you ever heard the
expression, "Hurts so good"?

1604
01:12:41,941 --> 01:12:44,319
Yes, I've always been
baffled by it.

1605
01:12:44,610 --> 01:12:46,408
The idea of rolling an ankle

1606
01:12:46,487 --> 01:12:48,785
or banging your elbow
on a coffee table

1607
01:12:48,906 --> 01:12:50,453
and deriving pleasure from it,

1608
01:12:50,575 --> 01:12:52,452
it's very perplexing to me.

1609
01:12:52,535 --> 01:12:53,957
Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.

1610
01:12:54,245 --> 01:12:57,249
You're a shooting star
and I want to go for a ride.

1611
01:12:57,331 --> 01:12:58,833
God, I'm so afraid right now.

1612
01:12:58,916 --> 01:13:00,088
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

1613
01:13:00,167 --> 01:13:01,259
Um, come in.

1614
01:13:02,336 --> 01:13:03,508
Uh, Linda.

1615
01:13:03,671 --> 01:13:05,799
Excuse me, Linda.

1616
01:13:05,923 --> 01:13:07,550
Ron, Jack wants to know

1617
01:13:07,633 --> 01:13:10,227
if he can go back to calling
himself Jack Lime

1618
01:13:10,303 --> 01:13:11,475
instead of Jack Lame.

1619
01:13:11,596 --> 01:13:13,098
He's really struggling with it.

1620
01:13:13,180 --> 01:13:15,683
No. Can't. It's a bet.

1621
01:13:16,267 --> 01:13:17,610
Oh, Jesus!

1622
01:13:17,768 --> 01:13:19,566
If you want to change it,
you can.

1623
01:13:19,645 --> 01:13:20,862
Like what?

1624
01:13:21,147 --> 01:13:22,148
Jack Off?

1625
01:13:22,523 --> 01:13:24,696
GNN's Jack Off.

1626
01:13:24,775 --> 01:13:27,528
Jack... No, that's worse.
You know it's worse.

1627
01:13:27,945 --> 01:13:29,322
It sounds like jack off!

1628
01:13:29,572 --> 01:13:30,744
Art Areola.

1629
01:13:30,823 --> 01:13:32,291
Mmm.

1630
01:13:32,658 --> 01:13:34,501
Sounds ethnic.
It almost sounds Italian.

1631
01:13:34,619 --> 01:13:36,917
Freddie, I can't...
Listen to me, Burgundy.

1632
01:13:36,996 --> 01:13:38,998
This is far from over,
do you hear me?

1633
01:13:39,665 --> 01:13:41,667
I'll see you on the playground.

1634
01:13:44,837 --> 01:13:46,009
Well.

1635
01:13:47,506 --> 01:13:49,008
This, uh,

1636
01:13:49,508 --> 01:13:51,181
meeting has been

1637
01:13:51,677 --> 01:13:53,179
very productive.

1638
01:13:53,512 --> 01:13:55,310
You can pick me up at 8:00.

1639
01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:56,898
(ALL LAUGHING)

1640
01:13:57,141 --> 01:14:00,520
Oh, my God, I think I just
tore my undercarriage.

1641
01:14:01,187 --> 01:14:03,940
Oh, man. He's just like me
but he's a cat!

1642
01:14:04,023 --> 01:14:05,570
That's a cat?

1643
01:14:05,691 --> 01:14:07,693
(ALL LAUGHING)

1644
01:14:12,031 --> 01:14:13,874
(CONTINUE LAUGHING)

1645
01:14:21,582 --> 01:14:24,927
Oh, Ron. Ron, you are missing
some real high-quality

1646
01:14:25,044 --> 01:14:26,717
<i>Garfield</i> laughs over here!

1647
01:14:28,172 --> 01:14:29,924
I think our boss just raped me.

1648
01:14:30,049 --> 01:14:31,016
What?

1649
01:14:31,092 --> 01:14:33,060
I don't know what happened.

1650
01:14:33,177 --> 01:14:36,397
But Linda Jackson got very
physical with me.

1651
01:14:36,555 --> 01:14:39,058
I knew it.
She's probably in a gang.

1652
01:14:39,392 --> 01:14:42,145
I mean, there was
just a ball of motion

1653
01:14:42,228 --> 01:14:45,823
and sweat and hair and noises.

1654
01:14:46,065 --> 01:14:47,317
Sounds like she wants you.

1655
01:14:47,566 --> 01:14:50,911
Hey, man. The ladies been all over me
since we got crazy famous.

1656
01:14:50,987 --> 01:14:52,159
Not to brag or nothing,

1657
01:14:52,238 --> 01:14:55,082
but I just gave Sheena Easton crabs.

1658
01:14:55,658 --> 01:14:58,912
That is in no way a brag, Brian.
That's horrible.

1659
01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:02,082
Hey, it's just doing something
beautiful that two people do.

1660
01:15:02,164 --> 01:15:04,132
Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites

1661
01:15:04,250 --> 01:15:05,843
all over
his penis and testicles.

1662
01:15:05,918 --> 01:15:06,919
RON: I'm just saying...

1663
01:15:07,003 --> 01:15:10,598
Don't you think that person
should alert their partner?

1664
01:15:12,758 --> 01:15:14,101
Semantics.

1665
01:15:14,260 --> 01:15:16,354
(LAUGHS) Sounds to me
like it's her fault

1666
01:15:16,429 --> 01:15:17,806
for being a randy gal.

1667
01:15:17,930 --> 01:15:19,273
I have a date!

1668
01:15:19,432 --> 01:15:21,605
- Brick has a date?
- Good for Brick!

1669
01:15:21,809 --> 01:15:23,026
What's a date?

1670
01:15:23,102 --> 01:15:25,605
A date is simply when
two people get together,

1671
01:15:25,771 --> 01:15:27,239
do something social,
have a few drinks,

1672
01:15:27,314 --> 01:15:28,406
yadda-yadda-yadda...

1673
01:15:28,482 --> 01:15:29,483
Take their shirts off...

1674
01:15:29,650 --> 01:15:31,118
(GROWLS)

1675
01:15:31,193 --> 01:15:32,615
Then you get sticky.

1676
01:15:32,945 --> 01:15:34,492
(MOANING)

1677
01:15:34,613 --> 01:15:36,081
- Oh, it's okay.
- RON: No, it's a fun thing.

1678
01:15:36,157 --> 01:15:37,534
It's fun. It's all right.

1679
01:15:37,700 --> 01:15:40,624
Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?

1680
01:15:40,953 --> 01:15:44,457
First things first, we need to
get you a little protection.

1681
01:15:46,792 --> 01:15:47,884
RON: Oh!

1682
01:15:48,669 --> 01:15:52,799
There it is. Brian Fantana's
glorious cabinet of condoms.

1683
01:15:53,632 --> 01:15:57,136
For you I'm thinking
Teddy's Big Stick.

1684
01:15:57,303 --> 01:15:59,647
It's the only one that comes
with the Presidential Seal of Approval.

1685
01:16:00,389 --> 01:16:03,142
This one will fit right into
her oval orifice.

1686
01:16:03,309 --> 01:16:04,606
It's a great condom

1687
01:16:04,685 --> 01:16:07,063
for when you're charging up
San Juan Hill,

1688
01:16:07,229 --> 01:16:09,357
AKA, a lady's puss.

1689
01:16:09,482 --> 01:16:11,655
Particularly good
if you're a Rough Rider.

1690
01:16:11,734 --> 01:16:13,111
Oh, wait, wait, wait.

1691
01:16:13,194 --> 01:16:14,741
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

1692
01:16:14,820 --> 01:16:16,663
BRIAN: Clam Dam.
BRICK: Clam Dam.

1693
01:16:16,739 --> 01:16:17,740
RON: Clam dam.

1694
01:16:17,865 --> 01:16:18,866
Clam dam.

1695
01:16:18,991 --> 01:16:20,334
Clam dam.

1696
01:16:20,409 --> 01:16:21,661
Clam dam.

1697
01:16:21,744 --> 01:16:25,169
It's a non-lubricated condom,
but it'll collect your pearls.

1698
01:16:25,331 --> 01:16:26,583
What about Cock Frock?

1699
01:16:26,749 --> 01:16:28,968
Cock Frock?
It's a full body condom.

1700
01:16:29,043 --> 01:16:30,386
And you can paint in it.

1701
01:16:30,503 --> 01:16:31,675
Wait a minute.

1702
01:16:32,671 --> 01:16:35,015
Sleeve It to Beaver.
It's a great condom.

1703
01:16:35,091 --> 01:16:36,468
Takes you back
to a simpler time

1704
01:16:36,550 --> 01:16:38,268
when everything
was in black and white.

1705
01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:40,604
It's particularly good
if you're going in

1706
01:16:40,679 --> 01:16:42,352
for the Eddie Ass-kill.

1707
01:16:42,515 --> 01:16:44,358
My penis weighs 50 pounds.

1708
01:16:44,433 --> 01:16:46,276
No, it doesn't, Brick.

1709
01:16:46,393 --> 01:16:48,441
- Thirty pounds.
- Mmm-mmm.

1710
01:16:49,355 --> 01:16:50,607
Seventeen pounds.

1711
01:16:50,689 --> 01:16:53,363
No, your penis probably weighs
four or five ounces.

1712
01:16:53,442 --> 01:16:54,443
Fifty pounds.

1713
01:16:54,527 --> 01:16:56,370
So you just went back
to the original number.

1714
01:17:00,866 --> 01:17:03,335
Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day

1715
01:17:03,410 --> 01:17:05,538
to all of our
Native American friends.

1716
01:17:05,871 --> 01:17:07,214
On the big map...

1717
01:17:09,041 --> 01:17:10,213
Where's my map?

1718
01:17:10,876 --> 01:17:12,719
There's no map,
it's just green.

1719
01:17:12,795 --> 01:17:14,092
No, there's a map there.

1720
01:17:14,213 --> 01:17:17,137
- Look at the monitor.
- Right. Oh. (WHIMPERS)

1721
01:17:17,383 --> 01:17:18,976
Ron, where's my legs?

1722
01:17:19,051 --> 01:17:20,724
- Where are my legs?
- Your legs are there.

1723
01:17:20,803 --> 01:17:22,271
I don't have any legs, Ron.

1724
01:17:22,388 --> 01:17:23,389
Your legs are fine.

1725
01:17:23,472 --> 01:17:24,849
The color of your pants

1726
01:17:24,932 --> 01:17:26,900
just matches
the chroma key behind you.

1727
01:17:27,101 --> 01:17:29,069
See you're standing right now
on your legs.

1728
01:17:30,771 --> 01:17:33,069
Brick, it looks like it's hot in Texas.

1729
01:17:33,232 --> 01:17:36,486
Ron, I'm a ghost. Whoo!

1730
01:17:38,988 --> 01:17:40,456
Brick, do you want
to do the weather?

1731
01:17:40,698 --> 01:17:42,496
- No. No, thanks.
- No?

1732
01:17:42,741 --> 01:17:44,368
You want to come back
to the weather?

1733
01:17:44,451 --> 01:17:45,953
- Nope.
- Nope. Okay.

1734
01:17:46,078 --> 01:17:48,501
Ron, tell me
what this looks like.

1735
01:17:48,581 --> 01:17:52,711
Okay, Brick, it's live television, my friend.
Why don't we go to commercial break...

1736
01:17:52,793 --> 01:17:55,012
It's 50 degrees in this state.

1737
01:17:55,296 --> 01:17:57,719
We don't have a commercial lined up.
Um...

1738
01:17:57,798 --> 01:17:59,425
I'm going to take out my real one.

1739
01:17:59,550 --> 01:18:00,767
No, no, no, no, no!

1740
01:18:01,093 --> 01:18:04,017
And after I received my Masters
in Journalism from Columbia,

1741
01:18:04,096 --> 01:18:07,270
I got a job with the London bureau
for ABC News.

1742
01:18:07,933 --> 01:18:09,105
Wow, London.

1743
01:18:09,310 --> 01:18:11,608
Arguably one of my favorite
cities in the entire world.

1744
01:18:11,687 --> 01:18:13,314
I put it in my top 90,

1745
01:18:13,480 --> 01:18:15,608
right in between Omaha

1746
01:18:15,983 --> 01:18:17,985
and Jacksonville, Florida.

1747
01:18:18,444 --> 01:18:21,448
So, tell me, what are some
of your favorite haunts?

1748
01:18:21,530 --> 01:18:23,282
Well, I love it all.

1749
01:18:24,950 --> 01:18:28,079
- Big Ben. The Tower of London.
- Mmm-hmm.

1750
01:18:28,162 --> 01:18:30,961
Naughty Hill.
The Wailing Wall.

1751
01:18:31,123 --> 01:18:34,468
Grabbing a sherbet and walking
along the Thames.

1752
01:18:34,543 --> 01:18:36,466
It's pronounced "Thames."

1753
01:18:37,296 --> 01:18:39,139
Uh, Piccadilly, the Beatles.

1754
01:18:39,465 --> 01:18:41,433
The Beatles aren't a place.

1755
01:18:41,508 --> 01:18:43,510
Uh, the Beatles' Building.

1756
01:18:43,636 --> 01:18:46,310
Where the Beatles spent a lot
of their time as young men.

1757
01:18:46,388 --> 01:18:48,186
Where they learned
how to be a Beatle.

1758
01:18:48,307 --> 01:18:51,060
Beatles' Building,
right in downtown London.

1759
01:18:51,477 --> 01:18:53,571
Yeah, I was, I was in London
for two years

1760
01:18:53,646 --> 01:18:56,149
and I never heard
of a Beatles' Building.

1761
01:18:57,650 --> 01:19:01,405
You got me.
I've never been there.

1762
01:19:01,654 --> 01:19:03,577
I couldn't even find it on a map.

1763
01:19:03,739 --> 01:19:05,241
Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?

1764
01:19:05,366 --> 01:19:06,492
God, yes.

1765
01:19:06,742 --> 01:19:08,836
Did I scare you
by coming on so strong?

1766
01:19:09,078 --> 01:19:10,330
A little bit, sure.

1767
01:19:10,663 --> 01:19:12,336
Look, it's not that
you're not attractive,

1768
01:19:12,665 --> 01:19:14,793
it's just I'm a little old-fashioned.

1769
01:19:14,875 --> 01:19:18,095
- Well, I am a modern woman.
- Mmm.

1770
01:19:18,504 --> 01:19:19,630
And let me tell you,

1771
01:19:19,713 --> 01:19:22,592
when I see something
that I want, I go for it.

1772
01:19:22,841 --> 01:19:24,184
We're going to do this, aren't we?

1773
01:19:24,426 --> 01:19:27,930
We most definitely
are going to do this.

1774
01:19:28,264 --> 01:19:30,437
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

1775
01:19:59,461 --> 01:20:01,213
(BOTH SCREAMING)

1776
01:20:14,226 --> 01:20:16,775
This is the nicest soda machine
anyone's ever taken me to.

1777
01:20:23,902 --> 01:20:25,575
Can I ask you a personal question?

1778
01:20:25,904 --> 01:20:27,577
I'm not sure what that is, but yes.

1779
01:20:27,823 --> 01:20:29,496
Have you ever kissed anyone?

1780
01:20:29,575 --> 01:20:32,169
Do lunch boxes
and sleeping people count?

1781
01:20:32,745 --> 01:20:33,917
Of course.

1782
01:20:34,163 --> 01:20:37,588
Then, yes. I have kissed
Scooby Doo and Roy.

1783
01:20:38,625 --> 01:20:40,627
I tongue-kissed a lawn jockey.

1784
01:20:41,295 --> 01:20:43,923
I once pooped in the basement
of the Lincoln Memorial.

1785
01:20:44,006 --> 01:20:45,758
The Lincoln Memorial
has a bathroom?

1786
01:20:45,924 --> 01:20:47,847
No, but they have a basement.

1787
01:20:49,178 --> 01:20:51,226
I feel like if I knew how,

1788
01:20:51,305 --> 01:20:54,024
I would start to sing
a love song right now.

1789
01:20:54,266 --> 01:20:56,610
I feel like I'm about
to watch you start to sing.

1790
01:20:57,144 --> 01:21:02,150
(SINGING) <i>I feel like I'm about</i>
<i>to sing a love song to you</i>

1791
01:21:03,025 --> 01:21:08,998
<i>And I feel like I'm about to
sing the same love song to you</i>

1792
01:21:09,948 --> 01:21:14,954
<i>I don't know how to do it but
I think it starts like this</i>

1793
01:21:15,079 --> 01:21:16,501
<i>Do do do la do do</i>

1794
01:21:16,622 --> 01:21:18,966
<i>It continues like
do do do doo</i>

1795
01:21:19,208 --> 01:21:21,802
<i>Because I love you so</i>

1796
01:21:22,169 --> 01:21:26,390
<i>And sometimes in a love song
an eagle flies over and goes</i>

1797
01:21:26,465 --> 01:21:27,637
(SCREECHES)

1798
01:21:27,966 --> 01:21:30,560
<i>Lots of animals
are in love songs</i>

1799
01:21:31,303 --> 01:21:35,228
<i>You got the eagle, the bunny
the rabbit, the squirrel</i>

1800
01:21:35,391 --> 01:21:36,813
<i>And the bunny goes...</i>

1801
01:21:39,144 --> 01:21:42,148
<i>Bunny love in a love song</i>

1802
01:21:42,898 --> 01:21:47,825
<i>And we just sang our first love song</i>

1803
01:21:47,903 --> 01:21:53,501
<i>Together</i>

1804
01:22:01,041 --> 01:22:04,215
I think I'm ready to maybe
try that kiss thing now.

1805
01:22:04,336 --> 01:22:06,930
I'll be so careful not to bite
a hole in your cheek.

1806
01:22:42,416 --> 01:22:44,089
Hello, Ms. Jackson.

1807
01:22:44,751 --> 01:22:46,048
I didn't mean to scare you.

1808
01:22:46,128 --> 01:22:48,802
Mr. Allenby,
I wasn't expecting you to...

1809
01:22:48,964 --> 01:22:51,137
Yeah, no, I know.
Neither was I.

1810
01:22:52,384 --> 01:22:54,102
But then I heard
about this little story

1811
01:22:54,219 --> 01:22:57,018
that Ron Burgundy and
Brian Fantana are running.

1812
01:22:57,097 --> 01:22:59,225
You see, some of the planes
from my airline

1813
01:22:59,308 --> 01:23:01,276
have had parts
falling off them lately.

1814
01:23:01,768 --> 01:23:03,566
Is it a problem? Yeah.

1815
01:23:03,729 --> 01:23:06,733
Is it being fixed?
I don't know, probably.

1816
01:23:06,899 --> 01:23:10,244
But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.

1817
01:23:10,944 --> 01:23:13,788
We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.

1818
01:23:13,906 --> 01:23:16,955
We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.

1819
01:23:17,618 --> 01:23:19,291
That's one of the perks.

1820
01:23:19,411 --> 01:23:23,006
It's called "synergy." One
company working with another.

1821
01:23:23,415 --> 01:23:24,962
Mr. Burgundy may well be

1822
01:23:25,083 --> 01:23:27,461
one of the most
valuable media tools

1823
01:23:27,794 --> 01:23:29,671
that any corporation
has ever had.

1824
01:23:30,589 --> 01:23:33,763
Everything he says
becomes the truth.

1825
01:23:33,967 --> 01:23:36,595
So you treat him like
the thoroughbred he is

1826
01:23:37,012 --> 01:23:40,357
and, my girl, you could have
a very, very rewarding career.

1827
01:23:41,266 --> 01:23:44,270
And who knows, maybe you
and I can be

1828
01:23:44,436 --> 01:23:48,157
riding thoroughbreds naked off
the coast of Capri. Hmm.

1829
01:23:48,273 --> 01:23:49,274
No.

1830
01:23:49,441 --> 01:23:51,785
Okay, you can have pants on.
But we'll be topless.

1831
01:23:51,860 --> 01:23:53,658
Mr. Allenby,
I'm not going to ride

1832
01:23:53,779 --> 01:23:55,577
on thoroughbred horses
with you topless.

1833
01:23:55,656 --> 01:23:58,000
Fine, they can be ATVs.

1834
01:23:58,158 --> 01:23:59,501
You can be in a bikini,

1835
01:23:59,618 --> 01:24:02,167
and I'll be wearing
my Speedos, swim trunks,

1836
01:24:02,287 --> 01:24:03,539
the ol' budgie-smugglers.

1837
01:24:03,622 --> 01:24:06,000
Look, I would do this
for my career

1838
01:24:06,124 --> 01:24:08,126
but I am
not sleeping with you.

1839
01:24:08,210 --> 01:24:09,462
Well...

1840
01:24:10,295 --> 01:24:11,638
To synergy.

1841
01:24:19,972 --> 01:24:22,316
You seem a little quiet,
I must say.

1842
01:24:22,808 --> 01:24:26,483
Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine
with going to this family dinner.

1843
01:24:27,312 --> 01:24:28,905
They're going to love you.

1844
01:24:29,898 --> 01:24:32,151
Mmm. This is delicious!

1845
01:24:34,069 --> 01:24:35,070
So...

1846
01:24:35,654 --> 01:24:37,406
How long have you
and Linda been dating?

1847
01:24:37,656 --> 01:24:38,748
- Mother.
- (CHUCKLING)

1848
01:24:38,907 --> 01:24:39,908
Oh.

1849
01:24:40,158 --> 01:24:42,160
No, it's all right.
It's a logical question.

1850
01:24:42,244 --> 01:24:43,245
Um...

1851
01:24:43,579 --> 01:24:47,755
Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.

1852
01:24:48,875 --> 01:24:50,843
When we get together

1853
01:24:51,253 --> 01:24:53,847
we're like an Oreo cookie
covered in sweat.

1854
01:24:54,006 --> 01:24:56,179
Isn't that right,
my Nubian sex princess?

1855
01:24:56,341 --> 01:24:58,014
What are you talking about?

1856
01:24:58,093 --> 01:24:59,470
I've touched her booty.

1857
01:24:59,553 --> 01:25:02,022
I put my hands on that booty.
I have done it.

1858
01:25:02,180 --> 01:25:04,774
Oh, now, we don't have conversations
like that over dinner.

1859
01:25:04,891 --> 01:25:05,983
What are you doing?

1860
01:25:06,268 --> 01:25:08,942
I'm addressing the white elephant
in the room.

1861
01:25:09,187 --> 01:25:10,564
I'm breaking down the barriers

1862
01:25:10,689 --> 01:25:13,238
of race by assimilation.
That's all I'm doing.

1863
01:25:13,358 --> 01:25:14,701
Well, you're coming off like a jerk.

1864
01:25:14,776 --> 01:25:16,278
I think it's going well.

1865
01:25:16,403 --> 01:25:18,076
We actually don't watch you.

1866
01:25:18,196 --> 01:25:21,075
We find what you've done
with the news offensive.

1867
01:25:21,241 --> 01:25:23,209
Well, I know how you're
getting your news.

1868
01:25:23,368 --> 01:25:25,746
You're going down
to the corner barber shop

1869
01:25:26,413 --> 01:25:28,632
and then Lumpy Jones
comes in and says,

1870
01:25:28,707 --> 01:25:30,129
"I'd like a haircut today.

1871
01:25:30,250 --> 01:25:31,502
"Did you hear what they're doing?"

1872
01:25:31,585 --> 01:25:32,711
And then the barber says,

1873
01:25:32,794 --> 01:25:35,889
"Lumpy, I ain't talking to you
until you pay your bill.

1874
01:25:35,964 --> 01:25:37,932
"You haven't paid this bill
in two months."

1875
01:25:38,050 --> 01:25:40,269
Etcetera, etcetera.
And they tell two friends,

1876
01:25:40,385 --> 01:25:42,513
and they tell two friends
and it spreads that way.

1877
01:25:42,596 --> 01:25:44,018
What is your problem, man?

1878
01:25:44,097 --> 01:25:45,223
Hey, black don't crack, right?

1879
01:25:45,390 --> 01:25:46,733
That's what we can
at least all agree on.

1880
01:25:46,808 --> 01:25:49,778
If you haven't noticed
we don't converse like that.

1881
01:25:49,978 --> 01:25:51,821
Okay, okay.

1882
01:25:51,897 --> 01:25:53,991
Fair enough.
Look at Big Papa down here.

1883
01:25:55,067 --> 01:25:58,913
He's thinking to himself,
"Shit, look at that white pasty cracker

1884
01:25:59,446 --> 01:26:00,789
"sittin' at my table, eatin' my food,

1885
01:26:00,947 --> 01:26:02,415
"in my house,

1886
01:26:02,574 --> 01:26:03,917
"touching my daughter."

1887
01:26:04,076 --> 01:26:06,374
I have. I have touched
your daughter.

1888
01:26:06,453 --> 01:26:08,205
- Honey!
- We have done things, Papa.

1889
01:26:08,288 --> 01:26:10,916
You ain't gonna like!
You ain't gonna like it none!

1890
01:26:11,083 --> 01:26:12,710
Oh, my goodness!

1891
01:26:12,793 --> 01:26:14,261
I mean when it
comes down to it,

1892
01:26:14,336 --> 01:26:18,762
I'm just a bad-ass pharaoh
with a big dick and fat wallet.

1893
01:26:18,924 --> 01:26:22,269
Linda, I don't understand what
you are doing with him.

1894
01:26:22,427 --> 01:26:24,395
Oh, you know what I'm coming
at you with,

1895
01:26:24,471 --> 01:26:25,973
you big, black mother of Linda.

1896
01:26:26,098 --> 01:26:29,102
Mix it up in a pot!
Making it spicy!

1897
01:26:29,184 --> 01:26:30,231
Oh, my Lord.

1898
01:26:30,310 --> 01:26:31,687
Hey, that's my momma, man.

1899
01:26:31,770 --> 01:26:33,443
Hey, can I get an "Amen"?

1900
01:26:33,522 --> 01:26:35,866
Hmm. Can I get an "Amen"?

1901
01:26:36,274 --> 01:26:38,527
Seriously though,
folks, can I get an "Amen"?

1902
01:26:38,610 --> 01:26:40,203
Please don't do this.

1903
01:26:40,278 --> 01:26:41,279
It's fine.

1904
01:26:41,363 --> 01:26:44,207
Can any of you crazy-ass
motherfuckers pass me the...

1905
01:26:44,282 --> 01:26:45,579
- Oh!
- This man is out of here.

1906
01:26:45,659 --> 01:26:47,286
- Get out of my house.
- Oh, okay.

1907
01:26:47,369 --> 01:26:48,791
Get out of my house, Papa.

1908
01:26:48,870 --> 01:26:50,338
Get out of my house!

1909
01:26:50,539 --> 01:26:52,792
This is fun.
Get out of my house, man.

1910
01:26:52,874 --> 01:26:54,217
He's telling you to leave.

1911
01:26:54,334 --> 01:26:55,631
Get out of my house!

1912
01:26:55,711 --> 01:26:57,509
I must not be saying it right.

1913
01:26:57,629 --> 01:26:59,802
Get out of my house,
you big dummy!

1914
01:26:59,881 --> 01:27:02,100
Get out of my house!

1915
01:27:02,175 --> 01:27:03,597
I can't say it much louder.

1916
01:27:03,677 --> 01:27:05,520
Get out of my house! Get out!

1917
01:27:05,971 --> 01:27:06,972
(GROANS)

1918
01:27:07,472 --> 01:27:09,395
Oh! Now I get it! You want me
to leave the house!

1919
01:27:09,474 --> 01:27:10,691
I'm not your big papa!

1920
01:27:10,809 --> 01:27:12,402
Stop! Stop! Dad!

1921
01:27:12,477 --> 01:27:14,525
RON: I don't think that dinner
could have gone any better.

1922
01:27:14,646 --> 01:27:15,693
LINDA: Are you nuts?

1923
01:27:15,981 --> 01:27:18,655
No, I'm not!
I had a wonderful evening!

1924
01:27:19,192 --> 01:27:21,035
My dad was kicking you
in the head!

1925
01:27:21,319 --> 01:27:23,868
I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.

1926
01:27:23,989 --> 01:27:25,787
Only with dinner guests!

1927
01:27:25,866 --> 01:27:26,992
What?

1928
01:27:27,075 --> 01:27:31,171
I hate to pin it on you, but
you did invite me to dinner.

1929
01:27:31,830 --> 01:27:33,002
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1930
01:27:33,081 --> 01:27:34,173
No, I'm sorry.

1931
01:27:34,249 --> 01:27:37,344
I just... I'm just under
a lot of stress because...

1932
01:27:37,753 --> 01:27:40,347
Because Allenby,
he doesn't want you to do

1933
01:27:40,422 --> 01:27:42,174
the story that you're doing
for sweeps.

1934
01:27:42,591 --> 01:27:43,683
"Death From Above."

1935
01:27:43,759 --> 01:27:45,602
It's an excellent story.
Wonderful exposé.

1936
01:27:45,719 --> 01:27:47,016
Listen, Ron.

1937
01:27:48,263 --> 01:27:50,186
Have you ever heard
of synergy?

1938
01:27:56,354 --> 01:27:58,732
So your mom thought
we should get together,

1939
01:27:58,940 --> 01:28:00,738
spend a little time.

1940
01:28:01,193 --> 01:28:04,697
She doesn't think I connect
with you as a child.

1941
01:28:06,406 --> 01:28:08,374
Can you believe that bullshit?

1942
01:28:08,950 --> 01:28:10,998
Dad, do you like Spider-Man?

1943
01:28:11,077 --> 01:28:13,751
Nope, don't care for him.
Never have.

1944
01:28:14,122 --> 01:28:15,499
Don't like the mask,

1945
01:28:15,582 --> 01:28:17,209
the costume, the getup,
the webs.

1946
01:28:17,375 --> 01:28:19,048
Spider-Man's a poser, son.

1947
01:28:19,127 --> 01:28:20,629
What's a poser?

1948
01:28:20,712 --> 01:28:22,555
A poser is Gary.

1949
01:28:22,714 --> 01:28:24,512
By the way,
how is that shit-heel?

1950
01:28:24,591 --> 01:28:25,888
What's a shit-heel?

1951
01:28:25,967 --> 01:28:29,892
A shit-heel is a real fun term
that you should call Gary

1952
01:28:29,971 --> 01:28:31,268
every time you see him.

1953
01:28:31,389 --> 01:28:32,766
When he wakes you up
for breakfast say,

1954
01:28:32,891 --> 01:28:34,313
"Oh, good morning, shit-heel."

1955
01:28:34,434 --> 01:28:36,903
He'll probably give you five
dollars or some candy.

1956
01:28:37,062 --> 01:28:38,735
You're a shit-heel, Dad.

1957
01:28:39,564 --> 01:28:41,487
You should just call Gary that

1958
01:28:41,566 --> 01:28:43,068
'cause it makes him
really happy.

1959
01:28:43,151 --> 01:28:45,950
It makes me sort of happy
but it makes him really happy.

1960
01:28:46,905 --> 01:28:48,498
- Dad.
- Huh?

1961
01:28:48,824 --> 01:28:51,998
Sometimes I hear sounds at night
and I get scared.

1962
01:28:52,077 --> 01:28:54,626
I think there's a ghost
in my closet.

1963
01:28:55,247 --> 01:28:56,749
Now, you listen to me, son.

1964
01:28:56,915 --> 01:29:00,089
I'm a grown man, okay.
I've done things.

1965
01:29:00,585 --> 01:29:02,258
I've been places.

1966
01:29:02,337 --> 01:29:06,342
I watched the fall of Saigon
from my hotel room

1967
01:29:06,758 --> 01:29:08,135
in Bermuda.

1968
01:29:08,927 --> 01:29:10,270
So I have experience,

1969
01:29:10,512 --> 01:29:12,139
and I'm going to tell you this right now.

1970
01:29:12,305 --> 01:29:16,185
There is no such thing
as ghosts. Case closed.

1971
01:29:16,518 --> 01:29:17,940
Thank you, Daddy.

1972
01:29:18,019 --> 01:29:21,694
There's no such thing
as ghosts, tree werewolves,

1973
01:29:21,857 --> 01:29:25,532
angry store mannequins with
dead eyes

1974
01:29:25,610 --> 01:29:27,783
who look at you like this.

1975
01:29:28,446 --> 01:29:30,289
I'm starting to get scared.

1976
01:29:30,365 --> 01:29:32,493
Why? I'm telling you things
that aren't real.

1977
01:29:32,617 --> 01:29:34,119
So what's real that's scary?

1978
01:29:34,452 --> 01:29:35,749
You really want to know

1979
01:29:35,829 --> 01:29:37,502
the one thing
you should be afraid of?

1980
01:29:37,956 --> 01:29:39,799
Yes, I really do.

1981
01:29:39,958 --> 01:29:41,756
- Voodoo.
- Voodoo?

1982
01:29:41,835 --> 01:29:43,052
Yes, voodoo.

1983
01:29:43,128 --> 01:29:47,850
That shit will mess you up.
And it is 100% real.

1984
01:29:48,133 --> 01:29:49,476
Promise me

1985
01:29:50,051 --> 01:29:51,394
that you'll never go to Haiti.

1986
01:29:51,803 --> 01:29:53,396
I promise, Dad.

1987
01:29:53,471 --> 01:29:55,439
This was good. I enjoyed
spending time with you.

1988
01:29:55,515 --> 01:29:56,687
Me, too, Dad.

1989
01:29:59,811 --> 01:30:00,858
I love you?

1990
01:30:00,979 --> 01:30:01,980
What?

1991
01:30:02,063 --> 01:30:03,064
Huh?

1992
01:30:03,189 --> 01:30:04,987
Are you trying to say
you love me?

1993
01:30:05,066 --> 01:30:06,568
No. No.

1994
01:30:08,653 --> 01:30:10,701
What do you think I am,
some kind of fruit?

1995
01:30:10,989 --> 01:30:12,707
What did you tell him?

1996
01:30:12,824 --> 01:30:14,542
I didn't tell him anything.

1997
01:30:14,659 --> 01:30:18,209
Well, for one, he called Gary
a shit-heel!

1998
01:30:18,538 --> 01:30:20,006
And he hasn't slept for four days!

1999
01:30:20,081 --> 01:30:22,300
He keeps talking
about tree werewolves.

2000
01:30:22,375 --> 01:30:24,878
Ron, listen to me.
He is seven years old.

2001
01:30:25,003 --> 01:30:27,756
You need to learn to connect
with him in a healthy way!

2002
01:30:27,839 --> 01:30:31,013
He has a science fair
tomorrow, at 8:00,

2003
01:30:31,343 --> 01:30:32,845
and he wants you to be there.

2004
01:30:32,928 --> 01:30:35,431
I will be there. All right?

2005
01:30:35,680 --> 01:30:37,023
Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?

2006
01:30:37,098 --> 01:30:39,351
I'm not discussing
work with you, Ron, okay?

2007
01:30:39,434 --> 01:30:42,108
Just be there
at the science fair tomorrow.

2008
01:30:42,437 --> 01:30:43,438
Fine!

2009
01:30:44,522 --> 01:30:46,490
<i>Well, they're calling it
the interview of the decade.</i>

2010
01:30:46,566 --> 01:30:49,194
<i>Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat,</i>

2011
01:30:49,361 --> 01:30:50,863
<i>the head of the PLO
and, some say,</i>

2012
01:30:50,946 --> 01:30:52,289
<i>the key to peace
in the Middle East.</i>

2013
01:30:52,364 --> 01:30:55,709
<i>Of course, Ms. Corningstone is
the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,</i>

2014
01:30:56,618 --> 01:30:58,791
<i>so you know that's got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.</i>

2015
01:30:58,870 --> 01:31:00,543
Terry Bradshaw's nipple!

2016
01:31:00,830 --> 01:31:03,925
<i>Thank you for watching GNN.
I'm Jack Me-off!</i>

2017
01:31:07,629 --> 01:31:08,630
Ha.

2018
01:31:09,214 --> 01:31:12,263
We're going to get crushed
in ratings. Just crushed.

2019
01:31:12,968 --> 01:31:15,221
I really thought we had
a chance this time.

2020
01:31:15,387 --> 01:31:17,810
What about my
"Death From Above" story?

2021
01:31:18,723 --> 01:31:21,067
You better ask Ron about that.

2022
01:31:22,560 --> 01:31:24,062
We're pulling that story, Brian.

2023
01:31:24,145 --> 01:31:26,989
What? Why?
I worked hard on that story.

2024
01:31:27,107 --> 01:31:28,484
It was my call, all right, Brian?

2025
01:31:28,608 --> 01:31:30,326
Just let it go. It's synergy.

2026
01:31:30,652 --> 01:31:31,653
What does that mean?

2027
01:31:31,903 --> 01:31:33,200
Take it easy, Ron.

2028
01:31:33,279 --> 01:31:35,873
We got further than anybody thought
we would. We'll get 'em next time.

2029
01:31:35,949 --> 01:31:37,201
You take it easy!

2030
01:31:37,575 --> 01:31:39,122
I'm not in this to finish second!

2031
01:31:39,285 --> 01:31:40,753
I think Champ
is just saying that we...

2032
01:31:40,829 --> 01:31:44,003
I know what he was trying
to say, Brian, okay?

2033
01:31:44,332 --> 01:31:46,426
And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.

2034
01:31:47,085 --> 01:31:49,884
I mean, let's face it.
You'd be nowhere without me.

2035
01:31:50,255 --> 01:31:53,509
I'm the one who got invited
to the set of <i>Urban Cowboy.</i>

2036
01:31:53,758 --> 01:31:55,180
Not you guys!

2037
01:31:55,260 --> 01:31:57,854
I'm the one with the hot black girlfriend.

2038
01:31:57,971 --> 01:32:00,815
I'm the one who gets his
Caesar salad made table-side!

2039
01:32:01,099 --> 01:32:03,352
- That is nice.
- Oh, salad.

2040
01:32:03,601 --> 01:32:06,024
I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.

2041
01:32:06,354 --> 01:32:09,198
Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.

2042
01:32:09,357 --> 01:32:10,825
Shut up, Brick!

2043
01:32:11,026 --> 01:32:13,120
Just shut up for once!

2044
01:32:13,820 --> 01:32:16,949
Ron yelled at me.

2045
01:32:17,115 --> 01:32:18,833
You're damn right I yelled at you!

2046
01:32:18,950 --> 01:32:21,169
When you talk nonsense
for 15 years,

2047
01:32:21,286 --> 01:32:23,789
someone's going to get
just a little bit tired of it!

2048
01:32:26,541 --> 01:32:30,216
You don't yell at Brick.
Are you still smoking crack?

2049
01:32:30,712 --> 01:32:31,884
No.

2050
01:32:32,505 --> 01:32:34,348
I only smoked that one time.

2051
01:32:35,133 --> 01:32:38,137
That's a lie.
I've done it six more times.

2052
01:32:38,511 --> 01:32:39,854
You made Brick cry.

2053
01:32:40,013 --> 01:32:41,265
(SOBBING)

2054
01:32:41,347 --> 01:32:43,725
You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.

2055
01:32:45,977 --> 01:32:48,526
But, seriously, do you have
any more of that crack left?

2056
01:32:48,646 --> 01:32:50,193
You know what, Ron?

2057
01:32:50,315 --> 01:32:52,613
We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.

2058
01:32:52,692 --> 01:32:54,615
But I don't like
the man you've become.

2059
01:32:54,694 --> 01:32:57,493
You know, we were happy
when you found us. Right?

2060
01:32:57,572 --> 01:32:59,370
I was taking pictures of pussies,

2061
01:32:59,574 --> 01:33:02,202
Champ was serving bats to
people, and Brick was dead.

2062
01:33:02,327 --> 01:33:03,544
We took a gamble.

2063
01:33:03,828 --> 01:33:05,205
Took a gamble
to follow you here.

2064
01:33:05,330 --> 01:33:07,298
But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,

2065
01:33:07,373 --> 01:33:08,795
and beating Veronica
at all costs.

2066
01:33:08,875 --> 01:33:10,252
It had nothing to do
with the news,

2067
01:33:10,335 --> 01:33:12,303
- nothing to do with the team.
- Brian, don't.

2068
01:33:12,378 --> 01:33:14,130
You know, I might not
be the smartest guy,

2069
01:33:14,214 --> 01:33:16,216
but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.

2070
01:33:16,508 --> 01:33:18,602
I know that if you're pleasuring
a woman down south,

2071
01:33:18,676 --> 01:33:21,520
you use your tongue to spell
out the alphabet around her...

2072
01:33:22,222 --> 01:33:23,849
The bubble. Around her bubble.

2073
01:33:23,973 --> 01:33:26,271
- The vulva!
- The Volvo.

2074
01:33:26,518 --> 01:33:28,145
I always do the KISS logo

2075
01:33:28,228 --> 01:33:30,356
or the Led Zeppelin
"ZoSo" symbols.

2076
01:33:30,688 --> 01:33:32,565
I know the El Camino
is the coolest thing ever

2077
01:33:32,690 --> 01:33:34,363
because it's a car
and it's a truck

2078
01:33:34,442 --> 01:33:36,536
and that's just two
different ways to get pussy.

2079
01:33:36,694 --> 01:33:39,117
I can't argue
with any of those points.

2080
01:33:39,197 --> 01:33:41,620
And I know that no matter what,

2081
01:33:41,741 --> 01:33:44,745
you always stand by your friends.

2082
01:33:45,120 --> 01:33:46,713
Sorry, Brian.

2083
01:33:47,705 --> 01:33:49,628
I've got a sore back.

2084
01:33:49,707 --> 01:33:51,755
You'll have to excuse me.

2085
01:33:52,043 --> 01:33:55,217
It's so sore from carrying your ass
for the last 15 years.

2086
01:33:57,382 --> 01:33:59,885
I think you're sick in the head, Burgundy.

2087
01:34:01,427 --> 01:34:04,306
Thankfully, I've got a
whole spoon full of medicine.

2088
01:34:06,975 --> 01:34:09,398
Oh! Oh!

2089
01:34:10,270 --> 01:34:12,272
I don't know who I am.

2090
01:34:12,438 --> 01:34:15,442
Oh, my God!
The room is spinning.

2091
01:34:15,733 --> 01:34:17,406
You'll regret this!

2092
01:34:17,569 --> 01:34:20,493
You'll regret this, Brian!

2093
01:34:20,572 --> 01:34:23,746
I can't move my left side
of my body.

2094
01:34:24,826 --> 01:34:27,329
One, two, three, get up
on the count of three.

2095
01:34:27,537 --> 01:34:29,005
One, two, three.

2096
01:34:35,003 --> 01:34:38,758
<i>Tonight, I interview Yasser Arafat,
the secretive head of the PLO.</i>

2097
01:34:38,840 --> 01:34:41,059
Hey, don't let her
get into your head, Ron.

2098
01:34:41,134 --> 01:34:42,260
I can't believe this.

2099
01:34:42,343 --> 01:34:43,890
How do you even get
that guy's number?

2100
01:34:43,970 --> 01:34:46,598
We've got to get someone
from a foreign country.

2101
01:34:46,848 --> 01:34:49,647
Guys, we're on in 20, 20, Ron.

2102
01:34:50,476 --> 01:34:51,898
You ready?

2103
01:34:51,978 --> 01:34:53,730
What's that, huh?

2104
01:34:53,813 --> 01:34:56,191
Oh, that's nothing.
It's just a car chase

2105
01:34:56,316 --> 01:34:58,660
on the satellite feed
from Milwaukee.

2106
01:34:59,360 --> 01:35:00,987
You know what?

2107
01:35:01,446 --> 01:35:03,744
Give it to me live
to start the broadcast.

2108
01:35:03,823 --> 01:35:06,542
No. That's not news, Ron.

2109
01:35:06,784 --> 01:35:08,536
Give it to me live, okay?

2110
01:35:08,703 --> 01:35:11,047
- And don't question me again.
- Bill!

2111
01:35:11,122 --> 01:35:15,002
NARRATOR: <i>Journalists back in 1980</i>
<i>thought that a car chase wasn't news.</i>

2112
01:35:15,585 --> 01:35:19,635
<i>But Ron Burgundy wasn't a journalist,
he was an anchorman.</i>

2113
01:35:19,797 --> 01:35:22,016
Good evening.
I'm Ron Burgundy,

2114
01:35:22,133 --> 01:35:23,851
reporting live from New York.

2115
01:35:24,052 --> 01:35:25,895
We have breaking news
developing

2116
01:35:25,970 --> 01:35:27,643
in our nation's heartland.

2117
01:35:27,722 --> 01:35:31,192
A high-speed car chase
is in progress...

2118
01:35:31,392 --> 01:35:33,315
Keep the "Breaking News" logo up.
Keep up the graphic.

2119
01:35:33,394 --> 01:35:35,067
...reaching speeds
of up to 100 mph.

2120
01:35:35,146 --> 01:35:37,114
And for the first time
in news history,

2121
01:35:37,190 --> 01:35:39,067
we will stay with it live

2122
01:35:39,150 --> 01:35:41,448
<i>until it resolves
in either a huge accident</i>

2123
01:35:41,527 --> 01:35:43,780
<i>or a massive shootout.</i>

2124
01:35:43,863 --> 01:35:47,117
Ron Burgundy is so brave
for covering this.

2125
01:35:47,200 --> 01:35:48,668
What an American!

2126
01:35:49,994 --> 01:35:51,996
GARY: Are you worried
your dad's not gonna come?

2127
01:35:52,080 --> 01:35:54,583
WALTER: He'll be here.
He promised he would.

2128
01:35:55,166 --> 01:35:57,043
Does he usually stick
to his promises?

2129
01:35:57,502 --> 01:36:00,426
Always. Except not most
of the times.

2130
01:36:02,340 --> 01:36:04,217
We're going to stay
with this live.

2131
01:36:04,342 --> 01:36:06,811
I know there's other news
out there.

2132
01:36:06,886 --> 01:36:10,356
There's boring interviews
with weird foreigners

2133
01:36:10,431 --> 01:36:13,230
going on right now
that are not important.

2134
01:36:13,851 --> 01:36:17,901
This is the pulse of what's going on
in our country right now.

2135
01:36:18,106 --> 01:36:19,779
Freddie, what's going on?

2136
01:36:19,857 --> 01:36:21,484
Why is there a local car chase
on the TV?

2137
01:36:21,567 --> 01:36:23,069
It's Burgundy, he insisted.

2138
01:36:23,236 --> 01:36:25,079
Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?

2139
01:36:25,196 --> 01:36:26,698
He didn't have a story
so he made one!

2140
01:36:26,906 --> 01:36:28,249
You can't do that!

2141
01:36:28,700 --> 01:36:30,543
Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.

2142
01:36:30,618 --> 01:36:33,622
Ron, speculate on
who's driving the car.

2143
01:36:33,871 --> 01:36:37,592
Uh, we believe the driver
may be on drugs.

2144
01:36:37,750 --> 01:36:42,802
He's probably 6'7", 6'8", but
a skinny 6'7", 6'8", about 160.

2145
01:36:42,880 --> 01:36:45,224
He may have a hostage or two.

2146
01:36:45,383 --> 01:36:47,556
Uh, we don't know.
He could have something in his car.

2147
01:36:47,719 --> 01:36:50,347
The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!

2148
01:36:50,430 --> 01:36:51,807
I've never seen anything like it!

2149
01:36:52,140 --> 01:36:55,440
Mr. Arafat,
is there any scenario

2150
01:36:55,560 --> 01:36:57,813
by which peace could be
reached with Israel?

2151
01:36:57,979 --> 01:37:00,152
YASSER: Peace is
what burns in my heart...

2152
01:37:00,231 --> 01:37:01,278
What was it? Excuse me.

2153
01:37:01,816 --> 01:37:03,489
What happened to the...

2154
01:37:03,651 --> 01:37:05,449
The network cut to another
developing story.

2155
01:37:05,570 --> 01:37:07,572
Some kind of crazy car chase.

2156
01:37:07,655 --> 01:37:09,657
Who covers a car chase?

2157
01:37:09,907 --> 01:37:12,285
I'm sitting here with
the most important interview

2158
01:37:12,410 --> 01:37:13,662
of my entire career,

2159
01:37:13,786 --> 01:37:15,129
and they're cutting
to a car chase?

2160
01:37:15,246 --> 01:37:16,498
RON: <i>This is</i>
<i>extremely gripping.</i>

2161
01:37:16,581 --> 01:37:19,255
<i>Oh! Oh! He just hit a car!
He just hit a car!</i>

2162
01:37:19,334 --> 01:37:20,586
He hit a car!
Did you see that?

2163
01:37:20,793 --> 01:37:22,420
Oh, they just wrecked!

2164
01:37:22,587 --> 01:37:24,339
- RON: <i>Wow!</i>
- I fucking love the news!

2165
01:37:24,422 --> 01:37:25,514
ALL: Yeah!

2166
01:37:25,757 --> 01:37:27,600
Oh, my God, that car
just hit another car.

2167
01:37:27,675 --> 01:37:29,518
This is awesome.

2168
01:37:29,594 --> 01:37:31,596
RON: <i>And he just loses it! Wow!</i>

2169
01:37:31,763 --> 01:37:33,185
That's exactly what we needed.

2170
01:37:33,264 --> 01:37:34,607
It was getting
a little boring.

2171
01:37:38,436 --> 01:37:40,438
Hey. You did a great job.

2172
01:37:40,855 --> 01:37:42,528
Thanks, Gary.

2173
01:37:42,857 --> 01:37:44,109
I don't think
your dad's coming.

2174
01:37:44,275 --> 01:37:46,118
I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.

2175
01:37:48,071 --> 01:37:49,914
Stop reading my mind!

2176
01:37:50,782 --> 01:37:51,999
All right.

2177
01:37:52,784 --> 01:37:54,127
(SIGHS)

2178
01:37:55,953 --> 01:37:58,126
I mean,
this is what I worry about.

2179
01:37:58,206 --> 01:38:00,379
WALTER: My dad thinks
you're like a wizard.

2180
01:38:00,458 --> 01:38:02,176
GARY: I'm a psychologist.

2181
01:38:02,293 --> 01:38:04,170
I have a ponytail, for God's sakes.

2182
01:38:04,379 --> 01:38:05,847
We're just getting word
that police

2183
01:38:05,963 --> 01:38:08,341
have finally apprehended
the suspect.

2184
01:38:08,716 --> 01:38:11,811
It turns out that
he is an elderly gentleman,

2185
01:38:11,969 --> 01:38:13,471
he's 80 years old,

2186
01:38:13,554 --> 01:38:15,477
and he was simply confused.

2187
01:38:15,973 --> 01:38:17,850
Wow! What an afternoon!

2188
01:38:18,142 --> 01:38:19,815
I'm Ron Burgundy.

2189
01:38:19,894 --> 01:38:22,147
I may not always
know the facts

2190
01:38:22,230 --> 01:38:24,699
but I'll always
tell you the truth.

2191
01:38:25,191 --> 01:38:26,363
Thank you for watching.

2192
01:38:26,484 --> 01:38:27,952
(CHUCKLING)

2193
01:38:28,027 --> 01:38:30,029
And we are clear!

2194
01:38:30,154 --> 01:38:31,155
Yes!

2195
01:38:31,656 --> 01:38:32,657
Great!

2196
01:38:32,990 --> 01:38:34,116
All right!

2197
01:38:34,200 --> 01:38:36,328
I don't believe it!
You did it, Ron!

2198
01:38:36,411 --> 01:38:38,539
Oh, my goodness.
Thanks, Freddie.

2199
01:38:38,663 --> 01:38:39,710
(CHUCKLING)

2200
01:38:39,872 --> 01:38:41,499
I don't deserve this.

2201
01:38:41,582 --> 01:38:43,584
It was a team effort.
It really was.

2202
01:39:00,726 --> 01:39:02,194
KENCH: <i>Now,</i>
<i>ladies and gentlemen,</i>

2203
01:39:02,603 --> 01:39:04,526
<i>we all know there's one reason</i>

2204
01:39:04,605 --> 01:39:07,074
<i>that GNN have gotten
to the top.</i>

2205
01:39:07,900 --> 01:39:09,322
<i>And that reason
is the greatest</i>

2206
01:39:09,402 --> 01:39:10,949
<i>bloody newsman in the world.</i>

2207
01:39:11,028 --> 01:39:12,905
<i>Long may he reign!</i>

2208
01:39:13,197 --> 01:39:14,915
<i>- Mr. Ron Burgundy!</i>
- (CROWD CHEERING)

2209
01:39:15,199 --> 01:39:16,200
Yeah, Ron!

2210
01:39:16,451 --> 01:39:17,703
Yeah!

2211
01:39:20,121 --> 01:39:21,873
(PLAYING LIVELY TUNE)

2212
01:39:25,585 --> 01:39:27,428
LINDA: Fire it up, Ronny!

2213
01:39:31,215 --> 01:39:33,092
(BAND PLAYING DISCO MUSIC)

2214
01:39:45,980 --> 01:39:47,778
(CROWD CHEERING)

2215
01:39:51,110 --> 01:39:52,453
Let's blaze.

2216
01:39:52,612 --> 01:39:55,115
Yeah. To hell
with Ron Burgundy.

2217
01:39:56,282 --> 01:39:58,330
We did it, my onyx hellion.

2218
01:40:00,745 --> 01:40:01,746
You're magic!

2219
01:40:06,250 --> 01:40:07,627
Good friend.

2220
01:40:08,503 --> 01:40:10,096
(CONTINUE PLAYING DISCO MUSIC)

2221
01:40:22,767 --> 01:40:24,769
NARRATOR:
<i>In the myth of Icarus,</i>

2222
01:40:24,977 --> 01:40:27,730
<i>Icarus, full of the folly
that comes with pride,</i>

2223
01:40:27,813 --> 01:40:29,030
<i>flew too high</i>

2224
01:40:29,106 --> 01:40:30,949
<i>and the sun melted his wings.</i>

2225
01:40:32,276 --> 01:40:35,405
<i>Ron had no idea who Icarus was.</i>

2226
01:40:35,571 --> 01:40:38,415
<i>He thought he was an alien villain</i>
<i>from</i> Star Trek.

2227
01:40:40,451 --> 01:40:41,623
(ALL GASPING)

2228
01:40:43,746 --> 01:40:45,123
(SCREAMS)

2229
01:40:46,999 --> 01:40:48,672
LINDA: Oh, my God, Ronny!

2230
01:40:49,001 --> 01:40:50,173
Ron!

2231
01:40:50,294 --> 01:40:51,386
Open the bloody gate.

2232
01:40:51,462 --> 01:40:52,554
WOMAN:
Somebody call an ambulance!

2233
01:40:52,630 --> 01:40:55,884
My heart is split like a melon!

2234
01:40:56,467 --> 01:40:59,311
Do not die in front of us!

2235
01:41:01,389 --> 01:41:03,483
Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.

2236
01:41:04,308 --> 01:41:06,026
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

2237
01:41:11,899 --> 01:41:14,368
(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA)

2238
01:41:16,654 --> 01:41:17,951
Damn it, Milton, what is it?

2239
01:41:18,030 --> 01:41:19,156
DR. BRANGLEY: Well, Ron...

2240
01:41:19,699 --> 01:41:21,042
I, um...

2241
01:41:22,034 --> 01:41:25,504
It looks as if both optic
nerves are separated

2242
01:41:25,580 --> 01:41:27,503
from their respective corneas.

2243
01:41:27,748 --> 01:41:29,750
- What?
- No other way to put this, but...

2244
01:41:30,167 --> 01:41:31,214
You're blind.

2245
01:41:31,544 --> 01:41:35,674
But surely there's some drug
or some machine...

2246
01:41:36,340 --> 01:41:40,095
Ron, I've looked at all
the test results repeatedly.

2247
01:41:40,678 --> 01:41:42,521
There's always false positives.

2248
01:41:42,597 --> 01:41:44,816
- Run the tests again!
- Okay, all right.

2249
01:41:44,890 --> 01:41:46,563
There is one more test
I can do.

2250
01:41:46,684 --> 01:41:47,731
I knew it!

2251
01:41:54,066 --> 01:41:55,363
Yep, you're blind!

2252
01:41:56,027 --> 01:41:57,904
Clearly, there must be
something in this

2253
01:41:58,029 --> 01:41:59,781
new-fangled office of yours

2254
01:41:59,864 --> 01:42:01,116
- that can help me!
- Settle down.

2255
01:42:01,198 --> 01:42:02,825
There's got to be something in here!

2256
01:42:02,908 --> 01:42:04,376
Orderly. Orderly.

2257
01:42:04,535 --> 01:42:06,287
Zombies! Zombies!

2258
01:42:06,621 --> 01:42:07,713
Ahh!

2259
01:42:09,040 --> 01:42:11,714
If you get my hands on me,
I'll kill you.

2260
01:42:12,543 --> 01:42:14,090
NARRATOR:
<i>The world of the blind.</i>

2261
01:42:14,211 --> 01:42:18,091
<i>Ron Burgundy, a man who had
flourished in a visual medium,</i>

2262
01:42:18,215 --> 01:42:21,469
<i>had forever entered
this realm of darkness.</i>

2263
01:42:38,778 --> 01:42:40,200
- (BARKING)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

2264
01:42:40,279 --> 01:42:41,326
Who is it?

2265
01:42:44,241 --> 01:42:46,243
Ron, it's us!

2266
01:42:46,452 --> 01:42:49,456
RON: I'm sure you gentlemen
are famished from your travels.

2267
01:42:49,580 --> 01:42:53,084
I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.

2268
01:42:53,918 --> 01:42:55,761
Still hot off the griddle!

2269
01:42:56,087 --> 01:42:57,259
There we go.

2270
01:42:57,755 --> 01:42:59,928
Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.

2271
01:43:00,925 --> 01:43:02,268
Jack Lime's been filling in for you

2272
01:43:02,343 --> 01:43:03,936
since you've been gone.

2273
01:43:04,011 --> 01:43:05,854
You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.

2274
01:43:05,930 --> 01:43:07,102
Uh-huh.

2275
01:43:07,848 --> 01:43:08,940
Brick!

2276
01:43:09,266 --> 01:43:11,268
That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.

2277
01:43:12,436 --> 01:43:14,109
What about Linda?
She hasn't called.

2278
01:43:14,271 --> 01:43:17,150
Linda's pretty busy.
I'm sure that's what it is.

2279
01:43:17,274 --> 01:43:19,242
Have you ever eaten
the boot from Monopoly?

2280
01:43:19,318 --> 01:43:20,319
Mmm.

2281
01:43:20,778 --> 01:43:22,496
Yum. It is so good.

2282
01:43:23,155 --> 01:43:24,748
So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?

2283
01:43:24,824 --> 01:43:26,622
You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.

2284
01:43:26,701 --> 01:43:28,874
Well, every day begins
about the same.

2285
01:43:29,453 --> 01:43:31,330
I wake up screaming in terror

2286
01:43:31,455 --> 01:43:33,332
because of the blackness
and I think I'm dead.

2287
01:43:33,457 --> 01:43:34,549
Every day?

2288
01:43:34,709 --> 01:43:36,211
Yes! Every day!

2289
01:43:36,627 --> 01:43:39,631
And then I begin what's called
The Great Adventure.

2290
01:43:39,797 --> 01:43:41,390
Making breakfast.

2291
01:43:41,799 --> 01:43:44,302
I've eaten everything from
nails to drink coasters.

2292
01:43:44,510 --> 01:43:46,638
Don't even bring up
Thanksgiving.

2293
01:43:46,721 --> 01:43:48,815
I got halfway through
a Nerf football.

2294
01:43:49,515 --> 01:43:53,645
You haven't been blind for Thanksgiving.

2295
01:43:53,728 --> 01:43:56,072
You know what
the biggest indignity is?

2296
01:43:56,313 --> 01:43:57,690
I can't even masturbate.

2297
01:43:57,815 --> 01:43:59,488
Really?

2298
01:43:59,567 --> 01:44:00,910
What's masturbate?

2299
01:44:01,360 --> 01:44:03,579
Heck, one morning
I spent 20 minutes

2300
01:44:03,654 --> 01:44:05,998
aggressively rubbing my shin,

2301
01:44:06,532 --> 01:44:09,786
wondering, "Where's the sensation?
Where's the pleasure coming?"

2302
01:44:09,869 --> 01:44:11,496
Went through
half a can of Crisco.

2303
01:44:11,579 --> 01:44:13,502
You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?

2304
01:44:13,581 --> 01:44:16,835
Feel it. Tell me that
doesn't feel like a penis.

2305
01:44:17,334 --> 01:44:18,711
That feels like a shin.

2306
01:44:19,503 --> 01:44:22,382
Yeah, because you're feeling it
through the hands of a sighted person.

2307
01:44:22,506 --> 01:44:25,806
Ron, purely for empirical
evidence and science,

2308
01:44:25,885 --> 01:44:28,764
I'd like to feel your bony, hard cock
and compare that to a shin.

2309
01:44:28,929 --> 01:44:30,977
You think I'm stupid, don't you?

2310
01:44:31,056 --> 01:44:32,683
Go ahead,
laugh at the blind man.

2311
01:44:32,767 --> 01:44:36,021
Laugh at the village fool.
The carnival freak.

2312
01:44:37,104 --> 01:44:38,947
I'm like the Elephant Man,
aren't I?

2313
01:44:39,023 --> 01:44:40,570
Oh, come on, Ron.

2314
01:44:40,691 --> 01:44:43,285
(WITH BRITISH ACCENT)
Do I amuse you?

2315
01:44:43,527 --> 01:44:45,154
More!

2316
01:44:45,237 --> 01:44:48,457
I'm a man. I'm not an animal.

2317
01:44:48,741 --> 01:44:49,867
What you're going through

2318
01:44:49,950 --> 01:44:51,543
has nothing to do
with the Elephant Man.

2319
01:44:51,619 --> 01:44:53,166
It doesn't even
remotely compare.

2320
01:44:53,245 --> 01:44:57,250
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Let me say
it real slow and real loud.

2321
01:44:57,875 --> 01:44:59,627
I'm

2322
01:44:59,710 --> 01:45:02,429
blind!

2323
01:45:03,547 --> 01:45:05,015
I guess we should
get out of here.

2324
01:45:05,090 --> 01:45:06,888
Maybe you should go. Yes.

2325
01:45:06,967 --> 01:45:08,594
Why don't you guys get out of here!

2326
01:45:09,220 --> 01:45:11,598
Despite my complete
and utter isolation,

2327
01:45:11,722 --> 01:45:14,942
your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!

2328
01:45:22,441 --> 01:45:23,943
Good-bye, Ron.

2329
01:45:26,153 --> 01:45:27,325
What?

2330
01:45:27,988 --> 01:45:29,331
- No, don't go!
- (DOOR CLOSES)

2331
01:45:29,615 --> 01:45:33,791
Please! Wait! I'm all alone!
Come back!

2332
01:45:38,791 --> 01:45:41,465
Wait! Come back!

2333
01:45:42,127 --> 01:45:43,800
Come back!

2334
01:45:44,839 --> 01:45:46,307
(SOBBING)

2335
01:45:47,132 --> 01:45:48,805
I'm alone!

2336
01:45:49,635 --> 01:45:53,811
Why have you done this to me, God?
Why?

2337
01:45:54,265 --> 01:45:58,190
You feel like a big shot?
Are you a big man now?

2338
01:45:58,269 --> 01:46:00,522
Are you getting
your jollies off this one, God?

2339
01:46:00,604 --> 01:46:01,981
I hope you're happy.

2340
01:46:03,274 --> 01:46:04,742
VERONICA: Well, I never
thought that I would see

2341
01:46:04,817 --> 01:46:08,287
the Ron Burgundy
full of so much self-pity.

2342
01:46:08,445 --> 01:46:11,119
Who is it? What is that noise?

2343
01:46:11,323 --> 01:46:12,449
Take my hand.

2344
01:46:13,158 --> 01:46:14,501
I can't see it!

2345
01:46:14,618 --> 01:46:16,040
Reach for it, Ron!

2346
01:46:16,120 --> 01:46:18,794
You have to learn
to do for yourself now.

2347
01:46:19,456 --> 01:46:21,208
All right. This...
Okay. Here we go.

2348
01:46:21,292 --> 01:46:22,544
Get up. There we go.

2349
01:46:25,337 --> 01:46:26,680
Cher, is that you?

2350
01:46:26,797 --> 01:46:28,674
You can't recognize me
by my voice?

2351
01:46:29,800 --> 01:46:31,802
Billy Dee Williams.

2352
01:46:32,303 --> 01:46:33,350
Really?

2353
01:46:33,846 --> 01:46:36,269
Every news station is copying
what you did, Ron.

2354
01:46:36,348 --> 01:46:41,445
All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.

2355
01:46:41,854 --> 01:46:44,357
The genie has been let out
of the bottle,

2356
01:46:44,690 --> 01:46:47,034
and old Ron Burgundy
popped the cork.

2357
01:46:47,318 --> 01:46:49,696
- That's why I quit <i>WBC News.</i>
- What?

2358
01:46:49,820 --> 01:46:51,993
There's no real news being
reported out there.

2359
01:46:52,072 --> 01:46:53,540
It's just all about ratings.

2360
01:46:53,824 --> 01:46:55,167
Veronica.

2361
01:46:55,743 --> 01:46:56,915
Why are you here?

2362
01:46:57,161 --> 01:46:58,834
I'm here for our son, Ron.

2363
01:46:59,079 --> 01:47:00,422
Walter needs you.

2364
01:47:00,497 --> 01:47:02,420
I need you to start
taking responsibility

2365
01:47:02,499 --> 01:47:04,342
for him and for yourself.

2366
01:47:04,835 --> 01:47:07,634
Do you realize
you're talking to a man

2367
01:47:07,713 --> 01:47:10,887
who just this morning tried
to brush his teeth with a...

2368
01:47:11,008 --> 01:47:13,511
With a violin that he found
at a flea market?

2369
01:47:14,261 --> 01:47:16,059
What? How?

2370
01:47:16,847 --> 01:47:19,020
Wouldn't you have known it was
a violin when you touched it?

2371
01:47:19,099 --> 01:47:22,103
I'm just saying,
it's not going to be a cakewalk.

2372
01:47:22,353 --> 01:47:24,572
Well, then we best get to it.

2373
01:47:29,735 --> 01:47:32,284
It's next to impossible.
I can't do it!

2374
01:47:36,784 --> 01:47:38,127
- (BLOWS)
- (YELPS)

2375
01:47:38,369 --> 01:47:40,087
Just remember the curves.

2376
01:47:40,287 --> 01:47:41,379
The curves.

2377
01:47:41,455 --> 01:47:43,298
- The green eyes.
- Green eyes.

2378
01:47:43,374 --> 01:47:46,503
Yes, I'm still sitting here
nude like you requested.

2379
01:47:46,585 --> 01:47:48,462
I can't do it!

2380
01:47:49,380 --> 01:47:52,600
- (BAXTER BARKING)
- Baxter found something on the beach!

2381
01:47:53,133 --> 01:47:54,510
Ron, be careful!

2382
01:47:54,593 --> 01:47:56,641
- (BARKING)
- RON: It's okay!

2383
01:47:56,720 --> 01:47:59,940
- Walter, what is it?
- It's some kind of fish!

2384
01:48:01,767 --> 01:48:04,065
It's not just a fish.
It's a shark.

2385
01:48:04,436 --> 01:48:06,734
And by the smell of the oil
from its liver,

2386
01:48:06,814 --> 01:48:08,487
it's a juvenile great white.

2387
01:48:08,816 --> 01:48:10,284
Oh, my goodness!

2388
01:48:10,401 --> 01:48:13,746
If he stays tangled in this net,
he's not going to survive.

2389
01:48:13,988 --> 01:48:15,831
Walter, sweetheart,
it's a shark.

2390
01:48:16,407 --> 01:48:18,626
It's not just a shark, Veronica,

2391
01:48:18,742 --> 01:48:21,086
he's a <i>Carcharodon carcharias.</i>

2392
01:48:21,161 --> 01:48:23,755
The largest
apex predator in the ocean.

2393
01:48:25,416 --> 01:48:26,759
Son,

2394
01:48:27,167 --> 01:48:29,841
don't you worry,
we won't let this fellow die.

2395
01:48:30,254 --> 01:48:32,097
We'll do it together, Dad.

2396
01:48:35,926 --> 01:48:38,270
RON: That should keep him in
there until he's strong enough

2397
01:48:38,345 --> 01:48:40,097
to swim out to the deep ocean.

2398
01:48:40,431 --> 01:48:41,603
Can I name him?

2399
01:48:41,682 --> 01:48:43,309
Of course you can, son.

2400
01:48:43,600 --> 01:48:46,319
What about Crackers?

2401
01:48:46,770 --> 01:48:48,738
Give me a goddamn break.

2402
01:48:48,814 --> 01:48:51,818
Seriously, you've got one of
the most vicious predators

2403
01:48:51,942 --> 01:48:54,036
in the ocean and you're
going to name him Crackers?

2404
01:48:54,111 --> 01:48:57,115
In the future, when you say
I can name something,

2405
01:48:57,448 --> 01:48:59,121
don't be a dick about it.

2406
01:48:59,324 --> 01:49:01,873
Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.

2407
01:49:02,119 --> 01:49:03,666
All right,
I can live with that.

2408
01:49:03,787 --> 01:49:05,209
(BARKS)

2409
01:49:06,040 --> 01:49:09,465
Don't worry, Baxter, we won't
feed him your dog food.

2410
01:49:09,877 --> 01:49:11,800
(BOTH LAUGHING)

2411
01:49:15,799 --> 01:49:18,473
NARRATOR: <i>Even though Ron</i>
<i>Burgundy had lost his sight,</i>

2412
01:49:18,552 --> 01:49:20,805
<i>he had never seen so clearly.</i>

2413
01:49:20,971 --> 01:49:23,895
<i>He had the love of Veronica
and his son.</i>

2414
01:49:23,974 --> 01:49:25,647
<i>The beauty of the lighthouse.</i>

2415
01:49:25,726 --> 01:49:30,072
<i>And with every inch
Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.</i>

2416
01:49:30,355 --> 01:49:32,357
RON:
Well, you're a hungry guy.

2417
01:49:34,568 --> 01:49:36,320
A-ha! Got you!

2418
01:49:39,198 --> 01:49:40,666
- Yes!
- You got it.

2419
01:49:40,741 --> 01:49:42,994
- You struck him out.
- (LAUGHING)

2420
01:49:44,995 --> 01:49:47,043
ALL: Happy birthday, Doby!

2421
01:49:47,372 --> 01:49:48,874
Ron, Walter.

2422
01:49:49,917 --> 01:49:52,796
Mom, we made
a birthday cake for Doby

2423
01:49:52,878 --> 01:49:55,552
out of seal meat
and chum icing.

2424
01:49:55,672 --> 01:49:57,470
- We did.
- Nice, nice.

2425
01:49:57,549 --> 01:50:00,428
Listen, I...
Walter, I fear that the shark

2426
01:50:00,511 --> 01:50:02,764
is getting too big
for the cove now.

2427
01:50:03,347 --> 01:50:05,190
What do you know, bitch!

2428
01:50:05,265 --> 01:50:06,608
Excuse me, young man.

2429
01:50:06,683 --> 01:50:10,358
Walter, that language
is only used by your father

2430
01:50:10,437 --> 01:50:12,235
when your mother messes up.

2431
01:50:12,356 --> 01:50:13,949
She ruins everything!

2432
01:50:14,024 --> 01:50:17,574
First she made you leave
and now she wants Doby to go.

2433
01:50:17,694 --> 01:50:19,662
It might be time
to set Doby free.

2434
01:50:19,738 --> 01:50:23,117
The other day we found old man
Crowley's walker by the cove.

2435
01:50:23,200 --> 01:50:24,497
He's been missing for a week.

2436
01:50:24,576 --> 01:50:25,873
Oh, dear Lord.

2437
01:50:26,036 --> 01:50:28,209
- I'll go talk to him.
- All right.

2438
01:50:29,873 --> 01:50:31,216
Wrong way.

2439
01:50:35,045 --> 01:50:38,094
NARRATOR: <i>Just like</i>
<i>the passing of the seasons,</i>

2440
01:50:38,215 --> 01:50:40,388
<i>it came time for Doby
to return</i>

2441
01:50:40,467 --> 01:50:43,095
<i>to the deep waters
he was meant to call home.</i>

2442
01:50:45,305 --> 01:50:47,273
I hear his tail splashing!

2443
01:50:47,391 --> 01:50:49,359
He's actually swimming away!

2444
01:50:49,434 --> 01:50:50,731
Do you think he's crying,

2445
01:50:50,811 --> 01:50:53,405
weeping violently
in the depths of the sea?

2446
01:50:54,314 --> 01:50:56,316
He's a shark, so, no.

2447
01:50:56,400 --> 01:50:58,823
I think that he's
surrounded by water.

2448
01:50:58,902 --> 01:51:00,495
If we ever see him again,

2449
01:51:00,571 --> 01:51:02,323
do you think
he'll remember us?

2450
01:51:02,406 --> 01:51:04,249
Absolutely, my son.

2451
01:51:04,658 --> 01:51:07,286
Sharks are known
for their photographic memory.

2452
01:51:07,494 --> 01:51:09,997
Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?

2453
01:51:10,247 --> 01:51:11,669
I promise.

2454
01:51:11,915 --> 01:51:13,838
If I say I'll be there for you,

2455
01:51:13,917 --> 01:51:16,420
there's nothing on God's Earth
that will stop me.

2456
01:51:16,587 --> 01:51:18,089
I love you, Dad.

2457
01:51:18,255 --> 01:51:20,474
Let's get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?

2458
01:51:20,591 --> 01:51:21,683
- Come on.
- Okay.

2459
01:51:24,761 --> 01:51:26,559
Doby, I hope you're happy.

2460
01:51:26,638 --> 01:51:29,812
And I hope you eat
lots of fish and surfers.

2461
01:51:33,645 --> 01:51:35,022
Ooh!

2462
01:51:36,356 --> 01:51:37,778
Oh, there you are.

2463
01:51:37,858 --> 01:51:41,078
I found the most beautiful
clams down by the estuary.

2464
01:51:41,153 --> 01:51:43,030
I thought we could steam
them up tonight

2465
01:51:43,113 --> 01:51:44,956
with a nice butter sauce

2466
01:51:45,032 --> 01:51:47,034
and some wine.

2467
01:51:47,618 --> 01:51:48,710
(SIGHS)

2468
01:51:48,869 --> 01:51:50,121
Veronica.

2469
01:51:50,204 --> 01:51:51,877
Yes, Ron?

2470
01:51:52,456 --> 01:51:54,129
Can you explain this?

2471
01:51:55,876 --> 01:51:56,968
(BEEPS)

2472
01:51:57,044 --> 01:52:00,048
<i>Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.</i>

2473
01:52:00,297 --> 01:52:01,719
<i>Somehow, they must be
getting erased.</i>

2474
01:52:01,965 --> 01:52:04,138
<i>But there is a procedure</i>

2475
01:52:04,218 --> 01:52:06,562
<i>that can possibly
return your sight.</i>

2476
01:52:06,803 --> 01:52:08,771
<i>Please get back to me
if you're interested.</i>

2477
01:52:08,847 --> 01:52:09,894
(BEEPS)

2478
01:52:09,973 --> 01:52:12,897
Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?

2479
01:52:13,143 --> 01:52:15,817
Yes. Ron, just let me explain.

2480
01:52:15,896 --> 01:52:16,988
How could you?

2481
01:52:17,147 --> 01:52:18,490
We've never been
this happy and...

2482
01:52:18,649 --> 01:52:20,447
(GROWLS) Damn you, woman!

2483
01:52:20,525 --> 01:52:21,651
(YELLING)

2484
01:52:21,735 --> 01:52:23,408
You lied to me!

2485
01:52:24,404 --> 01:52:26,031
I gave you everything!

2486
01:52:26,198 --> 01:52:28,075
I gave you my heart,

2487
01:52:28,408 --> 01:52:30,081
my smile,

2488
01:52:30,410 --> 01:52:31,912
my seed.

2489
01:52:32,246 --> 01:52:33,623
And you lied to me.

2490
01:52:33,705 --> 01:52:35,207
- WALTER: Dad!
- Sweetheart.

2491
01:52:35,332 --> 01:52:36,675
No! Dad!

2492
01:52:36,875 --> 01:52:38,548
Don't leave, Dad!

2493
01:52:39,169 --> 01:52:40,512
Dad!

2494
01:52:41,004 --> 01:52:42,631
Sweetheart,
we have to let him go.

2495
01:52:42,714 --> 01:52:44,887
- (CAR ENGINE STARTS)
- He needs to go free.

2496
01:52:46,093 --> 01:52:47,766
Just like Doby.

2497
01:52:48,011 --> 01:52:50,013
He'll be back. He promised.

2498
01:52:50,347 --> 01:52:51,519
(CAR CRASHING)

2499
01:52:51,848 --> 01:52:55,022
RON: Could you please call me
a damn cab? I'm blind!

2500
01:52:55,227 --> 01:52:56,228
Of course!

2501
01:52:57,312 --> 01:53:00,486
DR. BRANGLEY: <i>Ron,</i>
<i>the operation was a success.</i>

2502
01:53:00,816 --> 01:53:04,320
But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.

2503
01:53:10,158 --> 01:53:11,410
Well?

2504
01:53:11,785 --> 01:53:13,128
Yes.

2505
01:53:13,745 --> 01:53:15,338
I can see.

2506
01:53:16,331 --> 01:53:18,174
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

2507
01:53:19,042 --> 01:53:22,296
Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!

2508
01:53:22,629 --> 01:53:24,222
You are my inspiration.

2509
01:53:24,339 --> 01:53:26,012
Oh, well, thank you.

2510
01:53:27,134 --> 01:53:29,228
Oh, hey, good for you, Ron.
Whammy.

2511
01:53:29,428 --> 01:53:30,680
Champ.

2512
01:53:31,013 --> 01:53:32,686
Ron, you grew a mustache.

2513
01:53:32,764 --> 01:53:34,311
(CHUCKLES) Brick.

2514
01:53:34,766 --> 01:53:36,018
Brick and I are having a baby!

2515
01:53:36,101 --> 01:53:37,353
We're gonna name it Sugar.

2516
01:53:37,436 --> 01:53:38,813
- I'm 22 months pregnant.
- All right.

2517
01:53:38,895 --> 01:53:40,112
KENCH: Well, get over here,
you bastard.

2518
01:53:40,188 --> 01:53:41,610
Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.

2519
01:53:41,732 --> 01:53:45,862
Uh, hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.

2520
01:53:49,531 --> 01:53:50,953
(SIGHS)

2521
01:53:51,366 --> 01:53:53,164
- (DOOR OPENING)
- (EXHALES)

2522
01:53:57,956 --> 01:53:59,629
How you doing there?

2523
01:54:00,459 --> 01:54:01,506
Oh.

2524
01:54:01,626 --> 01:54:04,254
I'm fine. Just, uh...
(CHUCKLES)

2525
01:54:05,255 --> 01:54:06,928
Just a lot of people in there.

2526
01:54:07,049 --> 01:54:10,895
Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that
I never called or visited.

2527
01:54:11,261 --> 01:54:13,263
There's...
There's no need to explain.

2528
01:54:13,347 --> 01:54:14,690
But, listen, I mean,
you're back.

2529
01:54:14,765 --> 01:54:15,812
VERONICA: Hello, Ron.

2530
01:54:17,142 --> 01:54:18,519
What are you doing here?

2531
01:54:18,602 --> 01:54:21,947
I had to come tell you
something very important.

2532
01:54:23,732 --> 01:54:25,154
You must be Linda Jackson.

2533
01:54:25,233 --> 01:54:26,701
You must be Veronica.

2534
01:54:26,777 --> 01:54:28,370
Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.

2535
01:54:28,695 --> 01:54:30,197
This is a touching moment
for me.

2536
01:54:30,280 --> 01:54:32,248
Please, don't take this
the wrong way,

2537
01:54:32,407 --> 01:54:34,501
but if you touch Ron again,

2538
01:54:34,576 --> 01:54:36,624
I will pop up from
the backseat of your car

2539
01:54:36,703 --> 01:54:38,751
and burn your face
with a curling iron.

2540
01:54:38,830 --> 01:54:40,878
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
That's all fine and good

2541
01:54:40,957 --> 01:54:43,506
but, uh, if you did that
I'd be forced

2542
01:54:43,585 --> 01:54:45,838
to put your hand
in a paper shredder

2543
01:54:45,921 --> 01:54:47,639
while I smoke a cigarette.

2544
01:54:47,756 --> 01:54:50,509
Well, in that case,
I would have no choice

2545
01:54:50,592 --> 01:54:52,686
but to mail your severed
foot to your grandmother.

2546
01:54:52,761 --> 01:54:54,513
Merry Christmas, Nana.

2547
01:54:54,596 --> 01:54:56,223
I was feeling
a little bit down

2548
01:54:56,306 --> 01:54:58,183
but this is definitely
picking up my mood.

2549
01:54:58,475 --> 01:55:00,819
Well, I guess I'll leave
you two alone

2550
01:55:00,936 --> 01:55:03,780
and it's been an absolute
pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.

2551
01:55:03,855 --> 01:55:05,732
- This has been great.
- (SCOFFS)

2552
01:55:05,816 --> 01:55:07,409
Bye, Linda.

2553
01:55:08,151 --> 01:55:10,245
I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.

2554
01:55:10,320 --> 01:55:11,867
I wasn't calling for me,
I was calling

2555
01:55:12,030 --> 01:55:15,204
because Walter has a piano
recital in half an hour

2556
01:55:15,325 --> 01:55:17,498
at the Tishman School on 65th Street.

2557
01:55:17,828 --> 01:55:20,126
And he wrote a piece for you,
Ron.

2558
01:55:20,205 --> 01:55:22,082
Aw, Walter.

2559
01:55:22,165 --> 01:55:25,214
It would mean the absolute world
to him to have you there.

2560
01:55:25,335 --> 01:55:27,212
Ron, I just got a call from
the control room!

2561
01:55:27,337 --> 01:55:29,055
Oh, big fan. Oh, Ron...

2562
01:55:29,172 --> 01:55:33,268
Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom

2563
01:55:33,343 --> 01:55:34,845
<i>Four's a Family,
Five's a Crowd...</i>

2564
01:55:34,970 --> 01:55:36,517
Oh, sure.
(SINGING) <i>Four's a family</i>

2565
01:55:36,680 --> 01:55:37,681
<i>Five's a crowd</i>

2566
01:55:38,056 --> 01:55:40,275
<i>The neighbors get mad
'Cause the family's so loud</i>

2567
01:55:40,642 --> 01:55:42,565
- (CHUCKLES)
- It's so funny.

2568
01:55:42,686 --> 01:55:43,778
That's it.

2569
01:55:43,854 --> 01:55:45,902
She found out that her husband
was cheating on her

2570
01:55:46,231 --> 01:55:49,030
and she severed his penis
while he slept!

2571
01:55:49,192 --> 01:55:50,364
Oh, my goodness.

2572
01:55:50,527 --> 01:55:53,701
The police arrived.
She fled in her white Bronco,

2573
01:55:53,905 --> 01:55:57,535
and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!

2574
01:55:57,659 --> 01:55:59,661
We've got an exclusive
on the live feed,

2575
01:55:59,744 --> 01:56:01,792
but we've got to go,
right now!

2576
01:56:01,872 --> 01:56:04,842
Ron, this can be your comeback.

2577
01:56:05,542 --> 01:56:07,169
- Veronica, I...
- No, Ron. No.

2578
01:56:07,252 --> 01:56:09,880
That... That will get
sky-high ratings.

2579
01:56:11,047 --> 01:56:14,051
- Walter will understand.
- Walter will understand.

2580
01:56:14,426 --> 01:56:15,552
Go.

2581
01:56:16,219 --> 01:56:17,937
FREDDIE: Come on, Ron.
Priorities!

2582
01:56:18,054 --> 01:56:20,056
- Veronica!
- Come on!

2583
01:56:22,058 --> 01:56:23,105
LINDA: <i>Can you hear me?</i>

2584
01:56:23,226 --> 01:56:25,103
Yes, yes, you're coming in
loud and clear.

2585
01:56:25,270 --> 01:56:26,647
You're back
and you get this story.

2586
01:56:26,855 --> 01:56:28,528
- This is gonna be huge.
- Right.

2587
01:56:28,607 --> 01:56:30,200
- KENCH: <i>God, look at him.</i>
- (LINDA CHUCKLES)

2588
01:56:30,275 --> 01:56:32,027
<i>Like a beacon in the night!</i>

2589
01:56:32,110 --> 01:56:34,329
- My golden goose.
- LINDA: <i>All right, baby.</i>

2590
01:56:34,529 --> 01:56:36,076
So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.

2591
01:56:36,156 --> 01:56:37,624
Five, four,

2592
01:56:37,782 --> 01:56:40,410
- three, two...
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

2593
01:56:40,535 --> 01:56:43,584
Good evening, America.
After some time off,

2594
01:56:44,080 --> 01:56:47,425
it's good to be back with you.
I'm Ron Burgundy.

2595
01:56:47,584 --> 01:56:50,679
We have a story tonight
involving an affair,

2596
01:56:51,213 --> 01:56:54,387
a cut-off penis, a TV star,

2597
01:56:54,674 --> 01:56:59,271
twelve kilos of cocaine, devil
worship, and a car chase.

2598
01:56:59,346 --> 01:57:00,598
And throw it to the feed.

2599
01:57:02,682 --> 01:57:04,184
The only problem is...

2600
01:57:05,685 --> 01:57:07,608
- What's he doing?
- Ron, are you okay?

2601
01:57:08,104 --> 01:57:09,731
- It's not news.
- What?

2602
01:57:09,856 --> 01:57:12,029
- Turn off the prompter.
<i>- Ron, this is Kench.</i>

2603
01:57:12,108 --> 01:57:13,530
<i>What the hell do you think
you're doing, mate?</i>

2604
01:57:13,610 --> 01:57:15,112
Just read what's
in front of you,

2605
01:57:15,237 --> 01:57:17,410
<i>or I will ruin you! Don't!</i>

2606
01:57:17,697 --> 01:57:19,950
Don't! You leave Kench
inside your head!

2607
01:57:20,450 --> 01:57:22,452
God damn it!

2608
01:57:22,702 --> 01:57:25,797
You see, folks, I've read
a lot of news in my day,

2609
01:57:25,956 --> 01:57:29,210
but it's taken me until now

2610
01:57:29,626 --> 01:57:32,129
to realize what real news is.

2611
01:57:32,254 --> 01:57:34,723
Real news is supposed
to let people know

2612
01:57:34,798 --> 01:57:36,300
what the powerful are up to,

2613
01:57:36,383 --> 01:57:39,262
so that that power
doesn't become corrupt.

2614
01:57:39,427 --> 01:57:42,226
But what happens when
the powerful own the news?

2615
01:57:44,558 --> 01:57:47,732
Recently, I've been on a bit
of a personal journey.

2616
01:57:47,811 --> 01:57:51,315
I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.

2617
01:57:53,149 --> 01:57:55,151
I became blind.

2618
01:57:55,235 --> 01:57:57,738
I bottle-fed
and raised a shark.

2619
01:57:58,071 --> 01:58:00,915
And I smoked
a fair amount of crack.

2620
01:58:01,116 --> 01:58:03,460
But the most important thing
I've learned is that

2621
01:58:03,827 --> 01:58:05,829
there was an emptiness left

2622
01:58:06,246 --> 01:58:07,589
after turning my back on three

2623
01:58:07,664 --> 01:58:10,008
of the best friends
anyone could ever ask for.

2624
01:58:10,333 --> 01:58:11,585
Hi, Ron!

2625
01:58:11,668 --> 01:58:13,591
So, if you'll excuse me,

2626
01:58:13,670 --> 01:58:16,139
I'm going to see my child's recital

2627
01:58:16,840 --> 01:58:20,185
and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.

2628
01:58:20,969 --> 01:58:24,314
Good night, America,
and never forget,

2629
01:58:24,973 --> 01:58:26,270
you deserve the truth.

2630
01:58:30,437 --> 01:58:32,280
Good. He's dead, done.
Linda,

2631
01:58:32,480 --> 01:58:34,107
<i>get the skirt in, the blonde.
Anyone!</i>

2632
01:58:34,190 --> 01:58:35,692
He's coming back!

2633
01:58:35,775 --> 01:58:38,699
Also, I just wanted to say
a quick hello to Baxter.

2634
01:58:39,362 --> 01:58:41,035
Hello, Baxter.

2635
01:58:42,365 --> 01:58:44,208
- We've got dead air.
- (STAMMERING)

2636
01:58:44,326 --> 01:58:46,044
Yes, yes, yes.

2637
01:58:46,119 --> 01:58:47,462
We're taking care
of it right now.

2638
01:58:50,790 --> 01:58:51,791
Guys, I'm sorry.

2639
01:58:52,125 --> 01:58:53,217
For a while there,

2640
01:58:53,335 --> 01:58:55,337
I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.

2641
01:58:55,503 --> 01:58:58,552
Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

2642
01:58:58,965 --> 01:59:00,137
Brian, I...

2643
01:59:00,300 --> 01:59:02,723
No reason why I killed
that story of yours.

2644
01:59:02,802 --> 01:59:04,304
It was excellent reporting.

2645
01:59:04,387 --> 01:59:07,266
And, Champ, I'm really sorry for...

2646
01:59:09,476 --> 01:59:14,983
Actually, I wasn't gonna
apologize for anything to you.

2647
01:59:15,065 --> 01:59:16,567
You've done horrible things to me.

2648
01:59:17,067 --> 01:59:18,660
BRICK: Ron, you're a good man

2649
01:59:18,735 --> 01:59:20,737
but you've fallen victim
to your own ego

2650
01:59:20,820 --> 01:59:22,493
and your own hubris.

2651
01:59:22,572 --> 01:59:26,372
And before others can forgive you,
you must learn to forgive yourself.

2652
01:59:29,537 --> 01:59:30,709
What was that, Brick?

2653
01:59:31,081 --> 01:59:33,254
I have a hot dog in my desk.

2654
01:59:33,875 --> 01:59:35,092
Thank you.

2655
01:59:35,251 --> 01:59:37,845
So that's it, huh?
You're sorry.

2656
01:59:39,005 --> 01:59:41,758
You know what, Burgundy,
apologies are like assholes.

2657
01:59:42,258 --> 01:59:44,852
Everyone's got one
and everyone's got a shoebox

2658
01:59:44,928 --> 01:59:46,726
full of Polaroids of them
under the bed.

2659
01:59:47,514 --> 01:59:49,107
I don't know what that means.

2660
01:59:49,224 --> 01:59:51,522
It means that
apologies are cheap

2661
01:59:52,686 --> 01:59:57,112
and that I have a shoebox full
of Polaroids of butt holes

2662
01:59:57,190 --> 01:59:58,737
and I keep it under my bed.

2663
01:59:59,109 --> 02:00:01,578
Maybe one day you'll...

2664
02:00:01,945 --> 02:00:06,371
You'll think enough of me
to let me buy you a beer

2665
02:00:06,449 --> 02:00:08,577
and we can look
at that shoebox together.

2666
02:00:08,785 --> 02:00:10,628
Don't hold your breath.

2667
02:00:10,704 --> 02:00:14,550
I only show that shoebox to my
good friends and hitchhikers.

2668
02:00:14,624 --> 02:00:16,467
- I understand.
- CHAMP: Ron...

2669
02:00:16,543 --> 02:00:19,968
We're the news team.
This can't end.

2670
02:00:20,463 --> 02:00:24,969
Well, we'll see how this one
does at the box office.

2671
02:00:25,468 --> 02:00:27,015
- What?
- Mmm-hmm.

2672
02:00:27,470 --> 02:00:29,063
Just let him go, Champ.

2673
02:00:30,557 --> 02:00:32,104
(SOBBING)

2674
02:00:33,935 --> 02:00:35,312
Ron!

2675
02:00:37,772 --> 02:00:41,777
Long live Ron Burgundy!

2676
02:00:44,320 --> 02:00:46,493
Guys, he's gonna come
to my recital.

2677
02:00:48,992 --> 02:00:50,585
Taxi!

2678
02:00:50,660 --> 02:00:52,628
Taxi! Taxi!

2679
02:00:52,954 --> 02:00:53,955
Damn it!

2680
02:00:54,122 --> 02:00:57,752
It's so hard for a rich white man
to get a taxi in this city!

2681
02:00:58,668 --> 02:01:01,342
- Thank you.
- Is Dad going to come?

2682
02:01:01,671 --> 02:01:03,844
No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.

2683
02:01:03,923 --> 02:01:06,096
He's going to come. I know it.

2684
02:01:06,843 --> 02:01:08,265
Taxi!

2685
02:01:08,344 --> 02:01:10,017
I need to see my son!

2686
02:01:10,138 --> 02:01:12,516
And now, to play
an original composition

2687
02:01:12,599 --> 02:01:14,442
that he wrote for his father,

2688
02:01:14,517 --> 02:01:17,521
here is seven-year-old
Walter Burgundy.

2689
02:01:25,862 --> 02:01:28,615
I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!

2690
02:01:32,202 --> 02:01:33,374
What the hell?

2691
02:01:33,703 --> 02:01:35,296
Well, hello, Ron.

2692
02:01:35,789 --> 02:01:37,132
You out for a jog?

2693
02:01:37,207 --> 02:01:38,550
Jack Lime!

2694
02:01:39,709 --> 02:01:41,052
Where's everyone going?

2695
02:01:41,127 --> 02:01:42,970
Please. I don't have
time to talk, okay?

2696
02:01:43,046 --> 02:01:44,343
I have to be somewhere.

2697
02:01:44,464 --> 02:01:47,058
Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be

2698
02:01:47,175 --> 02:01:49,894
'cause you pretty much
destroyed my career.

2699
02:01:49,969 --> 02:01:51,471
Do you realize
what it did to me,

2700
02:01:51,554 --> 02:01:53,397
by making me
call myself Jack Lame?

2701
02:01:54,224 --> 02:01:56,568
It was a living hell!

2702
02:01:56,976 --> 02:01:58,978
I had to get
a new driver's license.

2703
02:01:59,062 --> 02:02:01,315
I can't get
restaurant reservations!

2704
02:02:02,899 --> 02:02:04,242
I have to do my own hair.

2705
02:02:04,400 --> 02:02:07,574
Look, I'm sorry but I'm out
of the news game.

2706
02:02:07,695 --> 02:02:08,992
I just walked away.

2707
02:02:09,072 --> 02:02:11,416
You can't just walk away
from the news.

2708
02:02:11,658 --> 02:02:14,332
It's like a...
It's like a frat or KISS Army.

2709
02:02:14,410 --> 02:02:15,878
You're in it for life.

2710
02:02:15,995 --> 02:02:18,839
I'm telling you,
you have to let me go!

2711
02:02:19,165 --> 02:02:21,167
Oh, don't worry.
Four against one.

2712
02:02:21,251 --> 02:02:22,673
This will be over fast.

2713
02:02:23,795 --> 02:02:25,297
Maybe not so fast!

2714
02:02:29,092 --> 02:02:31,345
My news team. Thank God!

2715
02:02:33,096 --> 02:02:37,476
Ain't a day that will be or has been
that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.

2716
02:02:37,851 --> 02:02:39,945
Not a problem. When I'm done
with these mutts,

2717
02:02:40,061 --> 02:02:41,608
I'm gonna wipe my shoes
on the curb.

2718
02:02:41,688 --> 02:02:43,531
Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?

2719
02:02:43,606 --> 02:02:45,199
When I'm done with you,

2720
02:02:45,275 --> 02:02:47,778
I hope we can be friends
in the future

2721
02:02:47,861 --> 02:02:49,613
and maybe see
a movie together.

2722
02:02:49,779 --> 02:02:51,122
BBC NEWS ANCHOR: Wait!

2723
02:02:54,450 --> 02:02:57,545
It's too bad you don't have
free health care

2724
02:02:57,620 --> 02:03:00,123
because the BBC World Service

2725
02:03:00,206 --> 02:03:02,880
is about to beat
your arses bloody!

2726
02:03:04,335 --> 02:03:06,337
God save the Queen

2727
02:03:06,421 --> 02:03:09,470
and God kill Ron Burgundy!

2728
02:03:09,799 --> 02:03:11,301
(ALL YELLING)

2729
02:03:11,467 --> 02:03:12,969
No. Not now.

2730
02:03:13,094 --> 02:03:14,471
JACK: Fall back, fall back.

2731
02:03:17,265 --> 02:03:18,391
(GRUNTS)

2732
02:03:18,474 --> 02:03:19,726
If y'all are gonna get down,

2733
02:03:19,809 --> 02:03:22,938
then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV VJ News crew need in!

2734
02:03:23,313 --> 02:03:25,156
What the hell's a VJ?

2735
02:03:26,065 --> 02:03:27,783
I don't know.

2736
02:03:28,151 --> 02:03:30,074
Is that like a vlowjob?

2737
02:03:30,987 --> 02:03:32,409
It's the future, sucker!

2738
02:03:32,488 --> 02:03:34,161
We gonna play all videos

2739
02:03:34,282 --> 02:03:36,910
and then eventually just reality shows!

2740
02:03:40,455 --> 02:03:42,423
It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.

2741
02:03:42,498 --> 02:03:45,092
And Wendy Van Peele
from <i>Entertainment News.</i>

2742
02:03:45,168 --> 02:03:47,842
Entertainment and news,
that's a contradiction.

2743
02:03:47,962 --> 02:03:50,090
In celebrity gossip,
guess who was seen canoodling

2744
02:03:50,173 --> 02:03:51,516
with death at Spago?

2745
02:03:51,633 --> 02:03:52,850
Ron Burgundy!

2746
02:03:52,967 --> 02:03:54,264
Tonight's top story,

2747
02:03:54,344 --> 02:03:56,142
an exclusive interview
with Jamie Farr

2748
02:03:56,346 --> 02:03:58,269
plus a couple
of douche bag anchormen

2749
02:03:58,348 --> 02:04:00,646
- get their balls stomped!
- (BASEBALL BAT THUMPS)

2750
02:04:00,850 --> 02:04:02,352
Hey!

2751
02:04:03,019 --> 02:04:06,023
There's not gonna be any fight
without Scott Riles

2752
02:04:06,147 --> 02:04:08,775
and the incredibly polite
Canadian news team.

2753
02:04:08,858 --> 02:04:10,280
(ALL YELLING)

2754
02:04:10,360 --> 02:04:12,954
What about the French-speaking
Quebec News?

2755
02:04:13,029 --> 02:04:14,372
The real voice of Canada!

2756
02:04:14,489 --> 02:04:15,490
Give it a rest, eh?

2757
02:04:15,698 --> 02:04:18,372
Give me a break!
They can't have news.

2758
02:04:18,451 --> 02:04:19,873
Nothing happens in Canada!

2759
02:04:20,036 --> 02:04:21,709
That's not true!

2760
02:04:21,788 --> 02:04:23,790
Sometimes people's feelings get hurt.

2761
02:04:23,873 --> 02:04:25,466
And sometimes the lake freezes.

2762
02:04:25,875 --> 02:04:27,548
I like your ginger ale!

2763
02:04:31,798 --> 02:04:34,802
This is Jeff Bullington, ESPN.
All sports.

2764
02:04:34,884 --> 02:04:39,310
That's 24 hours of sports,
but today it's 23

2765
02:04:39,389 --> 02:04:40,982
'cause one
of those hours is me

2766
02:04:41,057 --> 02:04:43,230
rectally extracting your spine.

2767
02:04:43,393 --> 02:04:45,395
Twenty-four hours of sports?

2768
02:04:45,520 --> 02:04:47,147
That actually sounds
pretty good to me.

2769
02:04:47,230 --> 02:04:48,402
I'd watch that.

2770
02:04:48,773 --> 02:04:52,152
Hey. The History Network wants
in on this. We're news, too.

2771
02:04:52,235 --> 02:04:55,159
Only news told much, much later.

2772
02:04:55,238 --> 02:04:56,410
(ALL YELLING)

2773
02:04:56,489 --> 02:04:58,241
Wait a minute.
Is that the ghost

2774
02:04:58,324 --> 02:04:59,917
of Stonewall Jackson with you?

2775
02:04:59,993 --> 02:05:02,496
Yes, it is.
And the mighty Minotaur.

2776
02:05:02,578 --> 02:05:03,830
(GROWLS)

2777
02:05:03,913 --> 02:05:06,007
The Minotaur isn't even history!

2778
02:05:06,082 --> 02:05:08,551
He's mythology! You're crossing
a lot of formats here.

2779
02:05:08,751 --> 02:05:10,503
(ROARING)

2780
02:05:10,586 --> 02:05:12,588
Hey, let's not
downplay the fact that

2781
02:05:12,714 --> 02:05:15,092
that's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!

2782
02:05:15,174 --> 02:05:19,429
May the Lord anoint
this hallowed field of battle.

2783
02:05:19,595 --> 02:05:23,020
You guys got room in this
battle for an old war horse?

2784
02:05:23,099 --> 02:05:25,101
Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?

2785
02:05:25,226 --> 02:05:26,443
You're too old for this.

2786
02:05:26,561 --> 02:05:28,780
I had a crush on him
when I was a schoolgirl.

2787
02:05:28,855 --> 02:05:31,859
Hmm.
You like it wrinkled, huh?

2788
02:05:32,066 --> 02:05:34,285
Well, you see,
there's the thing.

2789
02:05:34,360 --> 02:05:36,533
When there's an early moon,

2790
02:05:37,447 --> 02:05:40,291
I almost feel like a stallion again!

2791
02:05:40,533 --> 02:05:42,126
He's on our side, right, Ron?

2792
02:05:47,623 --> 02:05:49,216
(ROARING)

2793
02:05:50,251 --> 02:05:51,719
He's a were-hyena!

2794
02:05:52,712 --> 02:05:53,713
(BOTH GASP)

2795
02:05:53,796 --> 02:05:55,639
Oh, my God, don't chase us!

2796
02:05:55,715 --> 02:05:57,217
(BOTH GIGGLING)

2797
02:05:58,551 --> 02:06:00,804
All right, everyone, listen up!

2798
02:06:04,307 --> 02:06:07,481
By virtue of being
on this battlefield,

2799
02:06:07,727 --> 02:06:09,570
there is no return.

2800
02:06:10,563 --> 02:06:12,156
People will die.

2801
02:06:12,315 --> 02:06:14,989
Hey, everyone,
if I happen to kill you today...

2802
02:06:15,068 --> 02:06:16,615
Sorry.

2803
02:06:16,819 --> 02:06:19,993
I would be remiss if I did not
mention one last thing...

2804
02:06:20,114 --> 02:06:22,412
Today's blood soaked battle

2805
02:06:22,492 --> 02:06:24,961
will be sponsored by R.C. Cola,

2806
02:06:25,495 --> 02:06:27,497
a delicious beverage

2807
02:06:27,622 --> 02:06:30,000
when you're about
to behead a colleague.

2808
02:06:30,666 --> 02:06:35,092
And as usual, no touching
of the hair and face!

2809
02:06:35,171 --> 02:06:37,344
Yeah, that's... (STAMMERS)
I can go with that one.

2810
02:06:37,465 --> 02:06:38,842
I wouldn't appreciate it.

2811
02:06:38,966 --> 02:06:40,934
When El Trousias,

2812
02:06:41,010 --> 02:06:44,139
maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,

2813
02:06:44,806 --> 02:06:46,979
let the battle begin!

2814
02:06:47,100 --> 02:06:49,353
I am El Trousias!

2815
02:06:51,354 --> 02:06:54,028
Hear my siren song!

2816
02:06:55,316 --> 02:06:56,943
- (PLAYING)
- She's pretty.

2817
02:06:57,026 --> 02:06:58,699
- Yeah, she has a nice figure.
- I'm not jealous of her.

2818
02:06:58,778 --> 02:06:59,825
No.

2819
02:07:00,530 --> 02:07:02,157
Banged her.

2820
02:07:07,537 --> 02:07:09,380
That means you can start.

2821
02:07:10,039 --> 02:07:12,667
Man, that's like from
a Kajagoogoo video.

2822
02:07:12,875 --> 02:07:13,967
(GUN VIBRATING)

2823
02:07:14,043 --> 02:07:16,387
Brick, what the hell is that?

2824
02:07:16,546 --> 02:07:18,298
It's a gun from the future.

2825
02:07:18,381 --> 02:07:20,054
Where did you get it from?

2826
02:07:20,174 --> 02:07:22,051
(LAUGHING)

2827
02:07:24,470 --> 02:07:26,222
(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

2828
02:07:41,696 --> 02:07:42,822
Huzzah!

2829
02:07:43,114 --> 02:07:45,833
(ALL YELLING)

2830
02:07:53,082 --> 02:07:54,834
(ALL GRUNTING)

2831
02:08:11,684 --> 02:08:12,936
(YELLS)

2832
02:08:16,105 --> 02:08:18,153
An eye for an eye,
I guess I owe you.

2833
02:08:18,232 --> 02:08:19,279
(PHONE RINGING)

2834
02:08:19,358 --> 02:08:21,360
Oh, I'd love to meet Shelly Hack.
Terrific.

2835
02:08:23,154 --> 02:08:26,784
(GRUNTS) Cowboys don't
have throwing stars.

2836
02:08:26,866 --> 02:08:29,335
Man, Burgundy,
you're strong as shit.

2837
02:08:29,410 --> 02:08:31,083
I drink Ovaltine for breakfast.

2838
02:08:31,495 --> 02:08:33,418
Son, how's my hair?

2839
02:08:33,956 --> 02:08:34,957
Thanks.

2840
02:08:38,085 --> 02:08:40,008
(GROWLING)

2841
02:08:42,548 --> 02:08:45,347
Fill that gap.
Fall upon your swords.

2842
02:08:45,593 --> 02:08:47,095
Life has no meaning.

2843
02:08:47,178 --> 02:08:48,646
- (CANNON FIRING)
- (CHUCKLES)

2844
02:08:48,846 --> 02:08:50,063
(GRUNTS)

2845
02:08:50,431 --> 02:08:51,774
There will be a mint julep

2846
02:08:51,849 --> 02:08:54,068
waiting on the other side,
sir.

2847
02:08:55,353 --> 02:08:58,106
Release your soul to me.

2848
02:08:58,397 --> 02:08:59,990
(GASPING)

2849
02:09:00,608 --> 02:09:02,610
(CONTINUES PLAYING)

2850
02:09:04,320 --> 02:09:05,663
(YELLING)

2851
02:09:05,780 --> 02:09:06,781
(GROANS)

2852
02:09:13,829 --> 02:09:15,126
(ROARING)

2853
02:09:20,962 --> 02:09:21,963
Sorry!

2854
02:09:22,838 --> 02:09:24,465
CANADIAN ANCHORS:
Sorry! Sorry!

2855
02:09:25,007 --> 02:09:26,725
BRIAN: Sex Panther,
I summon thee!

2856
02:09:27,551 --> 02:09:28,677
(GRUNTS)

2857
02:09:29,887 --> 02:09:31,389
(SNARLS)

2858
02:09:31,931 --> 02:09:33,683
(ALL COUGHING)

2859
02:09:40,773 --> 02:09:42,366
(LAUGHING)

2860
02:09:42,692 --> 02:09:44,114
- WOMAN: Oh, no! Look out!
- (ALL SCREAMING)

2861
02:09:49,824 --> 02:09:52,043
Oh, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson.

2862
02:09:52,159 --> 02:09:55,208
Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson.

2863
02:09:55,329 --> 02:09:57,047
Why do we have to fight?

2864
02:09:57,164 --> 02:09:59,041
There's so much
I could learn from you...

2865
02:09:59,333 --> 02:10:02,212
Colonel Burgundy, I will
give you three questions

2866
02:10:02,295 --> 02:10:04,798
and then I shall consume
your soul.

2867
02:10:04,880 --> 02:10:07,303
Okay. Do you dwell in heaven?

2868
02:10:07,383 --> 02:10:10,227
I march upon a shadowy shore

2869
02:10:10,344 --> 02:10:13,894
betwixt the world of men
and the shivering gates of heaven.

2870
02:10:13,973 --> 02:10:16,647
- Oh, so purgatory.
- No.

2871
02:10:16,726 --> 02:10:19,900
Shadow shore,
betwixt the world of men

2872
02:10:19,979 --> 02:10:22,073
and the shimmering gates
of heaven.

2873
02:10:22,231 --> 02:10:24,154
In the middle.
Between the two.

2874
02:10:24,400 --> 02:10:26,903
- Do you have another question?
- Yes.

2875
02:10:27,028 --> 02:10:28,405
Uh...

2876
02:10:28,571 --> 02:10:30,494
Of all the new
Japanese car imports

2877
02:10:30,573 --> 02:10:32,325
that are on the market today,
what's your favorite?

2878
02:10:32,742 --> 02:10:34,494
That is your question?

2879
02:10:34,577 --> 02:10:36,671
I am a decorated general

2880
02:10:36,746 --> 02:10:39,420
who has come from
the afterlife to visit you.

2881
02:10:39,582 --> 02:10:40,834
That's my second question.

2882
02:10:41,417 --> 02:10:43,090
- All right, Honda.
- Oh, good.

2883
02:10:43,210 --> 02:10:45,588
I like the mixture
of the stylish interior

2884
02:10:45,713 --> 02:10:46,930
with the gas efficiency.

2885
02:10:47,423 --> 02:10:49,846
- One more question?
- That's right.

2886
02:10:49,925 --> 02:10:51,927
And then I shall
consume your soul.

2887
02:10:52,261 --> 02:10:55,060
That's okay. Maybe I'll lay off
on the last question.

2888
02:10:55,222 --> 02:10:56,439
Are you sure?

2889
02:10:56,891 --> 02:10:58,268
I just don't want
my soul consumed...

2890
02:10:58,351 --> 02:11:00,399
- (INHALING)
- (GASPING)

2891
02:11:01,687 --> 02:11:02,904
(GROANING)

2892
02:11:04,440 --> 02:11:05,441
Hey!

2893
02:11:05,691 --> 02:11:06,692
(GRUNTS)

2894
02:11:06,776 --> 02:11:09,370
Send my regards
to Sir Winston Churchill.

2895
02:11:09,445 --> 02:11:11,618
Please, no! (GRUNTS)

2896
02:11:14,075 --> 02:11:16,419
What in the name of Dan Roundfield?

2897
02:11:18,704 --> 02:11:19,876
Gary!

2898
02:11:20,122 --> 02:11:21,624
Yes, Ron. (GRUNTS)

2899
02:11:22,708 --> 02:11:24,381
You and I never got along.

2900
02:11:24,460 --> 02:11:26,212
But using the power of my mind,

2901
02:11:26,295 --> 02:11:29,174
I was able to see in the future
that you would do good.

2902
02:11:31,050 --> 02:11:32,552
- Now, go.
- RON: I knew it!

2903
02:11:32,635 --> 02:11:34,137
Go to your son's recital.

2904
02:11:34,303 --> 02:11:35,805
I knew you had mind powers!

2905
02:11:35,971 --> 02:11:38,144
And make it the greatest day
of your life!

2906
02:11:38,224 --> 02:11:40,147
- (ROARING)
- Gary, no!

2907
02:11:42,144 --> 02:11:43,771
(ROARING)

2908
02:11:44,063 --> 02:11:46,236
Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.

2909
02:11:46,315 --> 02:11:48,317
Thirty-niner-niner-14,
cook these fools.

2910
02:11:48,401 --> 02:11:49,778
I repeat, cook these fools.

2911
02:12:00,955 --> 02:12:03,253
We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!

2912
02:12:03,332 --> 02:12:04,834
Man, what a rush!

2913
02:12:04,959 --> 02:12:06,586
The monster's my friend!

2914
02:12:06,669 --> 02:12:08,671
Ron, we can still
make your kid's recital!

2915
02:12:10,005 --> 02:12:11,848
(LAUGHS) Hey, Ronny.

2916
02:12:12,258 --> 02:12:14,932
Jack Lime, please, I just want
to get to my son's recital.

2917
02:12:15,177 --> 02:12:17,020
No!
That's out of the question!

2918
02:12:17,096 --> 02:12:18,097
We're outnumbered, Ron.

2919
02:12:18,264 --> 02:12:20,358
Foam the runway,
I'm coming in hot!

2920
02:12:28,023 --> 02:12:29,696
(TIRES SCREECHING)

2921
02:12:33,696 --> 02:12:35,698
Hello, kiddies.

2922
02:12:35,781 --> 02:12:37,829
Is there room in the
sandbox for a few more?

2923
02:12:38,033 --> 02:12:40,877
Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!

2924
02:12:41,036 --> 02:12:42,709
Hey, what the hell are you
guys doing here?

2925
02:12:42,830 --> 02:12:44,002
This is a national news fight.

2926
02:12:44,290 --> 02:12:46,384
You made one mistake today.

2927
02:12:46,709 --> 02:12:48,803
You messed with somebody
from San Diego.

2928
02:12:49,211 --> 02:12:52,385
It's actually pronounced
San Diago.

2929
02:12:52,548 --> 02:12:55,392
Hell, Ron and I may not agree
on everything,

2930
02:12:55,968 --> 02:12:57,311
but we share the bond of being

2931
02:12:57,386 --> 02:12:59,138
from the greatest city
in the history of this Earth.

2932
02:12:59,221 --> 02:13:00,643
(LAUGHING)

2933
02:13:00,890 --> 02:13:02,733
Well, ain't that cute?

2934
02:13:02,892 --> 02:13:04,815
But you're outnumbered
three-to-one.

2935
02:13:04,894 --> 02:13:06,237
Why don't you
go back to your mama?

2936
02:13:06,395 --> 02:13:08,898
Don't you use my mom's
name in vain.

2937
02:13:09,398 --> 02:13:11,821
Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman

2938
02:13:11,901 --> 02:13:13,653
who raised seven children
on her own

2939
02:13:13,736 --> 02:13:16,080
and she remained sexually
active till the day she died.

2940
02:13:16,363 --> 02:13:19,412
Even in her coffin she had
the ass of a 19-year-old.

2941
02:13:19,492 --> 02:13:22,712
Tight like an apricot.
No disrespect.

2942
02:13:23,078 --> 02:13:26,673
She served four tours of duty
in Vietnam as a helicopter pilot.

2943
02:13:27,541 --> 02:13:30,420
She won the bronze in
the hammer throw at Helsinki.

2944
02:13:30,586 --> 02:13:32,759
I enjoyed her on the show <i>Emergency!</i>

2945
02:13:33,214 --> 02:13:35,888
Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,

2946
02:13:36,050 --> 02:13:39,520
my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.

2947
02:13:39,595 --> 02:13:41,268
(ALL MUMBLING)

2948
02:13:41,847 --> 02:13:43,941
You crazy son of a bitch.

2949
02:13:44,225 --> 02:13:46,774
I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof."

2950
02:13:47,102 --> 02:13:49,355
Well, you forgot one thing,
leatherman.

2951
02:13:49,438 --> 02:13:51,031
You drop that smoke,
you die, too.

2952
02:13:51,106 --> 02:13:52,449
(LAUGHING)

2953
02:13:54,777 --> 02:13:57,451
With the things I've done
in my life,

2954
02:13:57,571 --> 02:14:00,074
oh, I know I'm going
to burn in hell.

2955
02:14:00,616 --> 02:14:03,369
So I sure as shit ain't afraid
to burn here on Earth.

2956
02:14:03,786 --> 02:14:05,379
Oh, my goodness!

2957
02:14:05,454 --> 02:14:07,627
That's the most badass thing
I have ever heard.

2958
02:14:08,457 --> 02:14:09,754
All right!

2959
02:14:10,626 --> 02:14:12,048
Looks like this fight's over.

2960
02:14:12,253 --> 02:14:13,425
(SIGHS)

2961
02:14:13,963 --> 02:14:15,306
Let's go, boys.

2962
02:14:16,632 --> 02:14:19,135
Yay! We won! Let's celebrate!

2963
02:14:19,426 --> 02:14:20,723
Sparklers!

2964
02:14:20,803 --> 02:14:22,805
- No, no, no, no, Brick!
- ALL: No!

2965
02:14:25,599 --> 02:14:26,816
(EXPLOSION)

2966
02:14:26,892 --> 02:14:28,940
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

2967
02:14:38,654 --> 02:14:40,156
(MUSIC ENDS)

2968
02:14:42,241 --> 02:14:43,788
(ALL APPLAUDING)

2969
02:14:47,329 --> 02:14:49,798
(ALL CHEERING)

2970
02:14:50,624 --> 02:14:51,921
(WHISTLES)

2971
02:14:52,001 --> 02:14:53,093
Dad!

2972
02:14:55,004 --> 02:14:57,928
I'm never gonna have
to drink horse piss!

2973
02:14:58,007 --> 02:15:01,011
Odds are you'll still have to,
but enjoy the moment, son.

2974
02:15:01,468 --> 02:15:03,766
I love you, Mom!
I love you, Dad!

2975
02:15:03,846 --> 02:15:06,440
NARRATOR: <i>A father</i>
<i>reunited with his son.</i>

2976
02:15:06,515 --> 02:15:09,018
<i>Come on, folks,
that's good stuff.</i>

2977
02:15:09,143 --> 02:15:11,817
<i>And then the same man finally
learns to love his wife</i>

2978
02:15:11,937 --> 02:15:13,530
<i>more than his career?</i>

2979
02:15:13,647 --> 02:15:15,866
<i>Suck on that,
Tennessee Williams.</i>

2980
02:15:15,941 --> 02:15:18,364
<i>And how about Liam Neeson
showing up earlier?</i>

2981
02:15:18,485 --> 02:15:22,035
<i>Do you have any idea how hard
it is to get Liam Neeson?</i>

2982
02:15:22,156 --> 02:15:25,126
<i>He doesn't have a phone,
and lives on a mountaintop,</i>

2983
02:15:25,200 --> 02:15:26,952
<i>and we got him.</i>

2984
02:15:27,036 --> 02:15:29,960
<i>If that isn't worth 14 bucks,
I don't know what is.</i>

2985
02:15:30,039 --> 02:15:32,292
<i>So go home with
your significant other,</i>

2986
02:15:32,374 --> 02:15:35,378
<i>and make love, and then hold
each other afterwards,</i>

2987
02:15:35,461 --> 02:15:38,806
<i>and say,
"That movie delivered.</i>

2988
02:15:38,881 --> 02:15:40,975
<i>"It was the nut flush.</i>

2989
02:15:41,175 --> 02:15:43,143
<i>"Thank you, Hollywood. "</i>

2990
02:15:43,218 --> 02:15:47,394
And now, before I join this
couple in holy matrimony,

2991
02:15:47,640 --> 02:15:49,734
Brick and Chani
ask us to join them

2992
02:15:49,892 --> 02:15:52,065
as they exchange their vows.

2993
02:15:52,978 --> 02:15:54,150
My dearest Brick.

2994
02:15:54,563 --> 02:15:56,486
I love the nicknames
you call me.

2995
02:15:56,565 --> 02:15:58,738
Like Chani or Miss.

2996
02:15:59,693 --> 02:16:03,573
Or Miss Chani or Chani.

2997
02:16:04,073 --> 02:16:06,201
I call you Duncan Wentworth

2998
02:16:06,575 --> 02:16:08,498
or my little flesh hair
creature

2999
02:16:09,328 --> 02:16:11,171
or a guy who doesn't
call the police

3000
02:16:11,246 --> 02:16:13,089
when I touch
his bathing suit area.

3001
02:16:15,918 --> 02:16:19,218
Chani, you make
my heart beat so fast

3002
02:16:19,338 --> 02:16:20,590
that my right arm hurts

3003
02:16:20,714 --> 02:16:23,342
and I forget where I am
and what I am doing.

3004
02:16:23,717 --> 02:16:26,436
Then men shock me
with two air hockey paddles

3005
02:16:26,512 --> 02:16:27,855
and I feel better

3006
02:16:27,930 --> 02:16:30,604
except the right side
of my face sags for a while.

3007
02:16:31,266 --> 02:16:33,769
I now pronounce you
man and wife.

3008
02:16:34,186 --> 02:16:35,938
You may kiss the bride.

3009
02:16:50,953 --> 02:16:52,125
Beautiful ceremony.

3010
02:17:05,759 --> 02:17:06,806
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

3011
02:22:23,410 --> 02:22:25,037
Well, hello, ladies.

3012
02:22:25,746 --> 02:22:27,248
Caf or decaf?

3013
02:22:27,414 --> 02:22:28,461
Why?

3014
02:22:28,582 --> 02:22:30,129
Oh, I need to know how
I'm gonna make your coffee

3015
02:22:30,208 --> 02:22:32,802
tomorrow morning
when you wake up in my pants.

3016
02:22:33,086 --> 02:22:35,635
You're Brian Fantana
and you're Champ Kind.

3017
02:22:35,756 --> 02:22:36,928
- We love you.
- Yeah.

3018
02:22:37,257 --> 02:22:40,932
This is a fair warning, girls,
uh, if I get really drunk,

3019
02:22:41,428 --> 02:22:43,977
you're going to have
to do all the work.

3020
02:22:44,765 --> 02:22:46,813
Yeah, and we can go back
to our place, too.

3021
02:22:46,933 --> 02:22:48,651
That way your sheets
don't get covered in hair.

3022
02:22:48,769 --> 02:22:51,568
Yeah, we've got to get up
early for work.

3023
02:22:51,646 --> 02:22:53,489
- A little Asti Spumante, huh?
- WOMAN 1: Yeah.

3024
02:22:53,607 --> 02:22:55,735
Go back and listen to some records?

3025
02:22:57,444 --> 02:22:59,242
They wanted it so bad.